I am going through the same thing and thought I was crazy. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing! I am trying so hard not to cry while responding.
It feels so violating and I feel so dirty. He knows I am a rape survivor from my past and he still has the nerve to act like he is pretending to do it like he is doing it in his 'sleep"???? One move at a time thinking I wouldn't know. I wouldn't wake up? Really????
We are having major marriage problems and no intimacy for almost a year because I have been dealing with his narcassistic abuse. I have been going to therapy for it. A week ago I told him to get help or I leave. He said he will getting help but he has said it before and then says we also need couples therapy. I know it's to try and shift the blame onto me to gaslight me over and over and then it starts again. He then doesn't need therapt because it's me who has the issues not him. I am the wife who has been denying him sex and what was he to do. He would never do such a thing, he is a good guy....outside the house for everyone else.
I am in the slow and careful process of leaving. Leaving a narcassistic marriage safely is not easy. A location unknown, mailbox unknown, new phone number, starting fresh late in life, too late to be doing this with literally nothing, and no money. I am afraid for my safety because of his unpredicatable acting out rages, he has a knowledge about weapons. I have no family left. I am alone, he took care of that too.
And I still feel dirty and can't shake that feeling more than anything else, even the prior rapes. It disgusts me. I think it's the fact that it's the person who you felt you could trust the most in life. For me it was someone I could trust more than a father. He was my trust all intimate partner, my best frient, my confidant, my hero. He was my safe person, my person to run to and he bit me like a venemous snake.
I don't think because of that I could ever trust him again, ever.