⚫Is my marriage over, do I need Help? Where do I start?

[CCb85]

Without droning on too much 😬 I'm seeking advice. I'm not one to air laundry with my closest because Im always nervous of over sharing, hard living in a small chatty community sometimes and I just simply don't want to worry anyone.

My Husband and I seem to argue, bicker, disagree all the time. I get frustrated very easily and emotional and he just becomes cold stand off ish. I'm shouting and crying out because I never feel supported, heard, cared for and he feels and tells me I need to see someone, that I can't cope with daily problems and can't control my emotions and anger. I feel the anger comes when I'm unsupported. It's a vicious circle and neither of us seem to be able to stop.

So more recently, to give an insight to life with us.... Ive been made redundant recently with 2 months notice, I'm closer to 40 than 30 and have 3 kids two in school one home. I'm stressed to the hilt, not only is it daunting starting again it's finding a part time job around kids and my husband, one of us needs to be home for childcare. My little one won't sleep without me (was breast fed) she's 3 in march, a habit made all to easy now as my husband can go to bed and I have to squeeze up with my little one. It's doesn't seem to upset/bother him like it does me. We haven't had or got an intimate relationship as far as I'm concerned. At 6 months pregnant he made it clear he was uncomfortable with sex, didn't sit well with him. Wasn't the case with boys but I was bigger on 3rd was it that?? Im very touchy and exhausted. If I sleep on the sofa she'll follow me, if I go to my bed she'll follow me, she's a wriggler and sweaty lol so not always nice to sleep with. My legs gave away a few times back in the summer and I was bit unwell, I had an MRI but all was fine. Turns out doctors thought I had exhaustion. When you're a Mum it's almost a laughable conclusion that hasn't been taken seriously. That with my job loss and finding new job stress my Husband just hasn't said much or done much to make me feel supported. He'll spend most nights on his phone watching reels and putting his energy and thoughts into sci fi forums.
He's a very hard worker and does help and muck in with kids and house I can't fault that. But when it comes to me it's like we're flat mates. He's never been very good at responding to emotions, he's hard and very matter of fact. "Well maybe it's best you move on and find a new job" that will be it.
I find myself when I become so lost and lonely and unsupported I question what I get from my marriage? I end up dragging up scenarios and past events up in our arguments when I know I shouldn't but I can't let go, clearly. Like when he called all our table at a wedding (my friends) boring c**ts whilst drunk, I was pregnant and just died in my seat. He didn't really know anyone. It was a boring table but still. I drag it up as a reference to show he's just incapable of saying the right things sometimes in the right/wrong moment. Or how he chanted fight fight fight to a girl out on a hen do that wanted to take our table off us, she was very drunk and aggressive, he thought she was playing. She laughed I wasn't laughing I was let down. I bring this up 😫 even though it was like 12 years ago.
She was aggressive to me.
Last night I couldn't find the buggy cover, the weather has been horrific, I needed it for school run. My husband watched me emotionally tear up the house and he sat on his phone watching videos. I was upset and yelled that it was getting late, little one wanted to go to bed and I still had a kitchen to clean up and dishwasher to load, he then helped do kitchen making clear that he'd been in work all day, why should he have to do dishes. He said he didn't mind helping if I asked nicely, but I was muttering and cross and it just makes him keep his distance. If I was nice and asked he'd have done it. But should I have to ask my husband for help every time? Shouldn't be be able to recognise that 'now' might be a good time to help out and put that kettle on. I thought blokes we're smart like that, charming and new how to spin it all around to their advantage. Mind just tells me that it's hard to help someone that's not nice. Breaks my heart to hear him say that but I hear him, its true. Why would you naturally want to do things for someone if they're always barking or picking away.
We used to laugh so much. Not so much anymore. He says I've gone serious. Im alway stressed, my eldest struggles in school, my mum and brother constantly fall out. I'm overwhelmed.

We just don't seem to care for one anyone. If one of us is ill the other doesn't bother, I'm always picking at him, wrong socks with shorts..... you've made the bed wrong, please shower before 8am if wanting a shower so it's free for my boys to use so it's not a mad rush. They have breakfast first then go up for shower most mornings, my husband chooses to sleep while they're eating breakfast, getting in those extra few minutes, then when they come up stairs he's in the way, showering 🙈 We have a small house. My eldest is on the spectrum so I try and keep it as smooth in the morning as possible, he's not helping all he said is he's not causing harm he doesn't take long. It's not the point. I tell at him over and over telling him he's inconsiderate, then he tells me it's no wonder our eldest struggles with emotions (he's still being assessed for autism/ADHD very mildly but still in process) I can win and neither can he.

We dont kiss each other goodnight or good morning. We just exist together bringing up kids. Some days I can sit on the couch and hardly any words are exchanged.

I just wish at times I had someone on my side. If I'm upset I just want someone to put kettle on and tell me it's all gonna be fine, to know I have someone in my corner, just someone to talk too really in general, someone to want me and notice me and my feelings. Someone that can accept my emotions, I only feel this way because I'm lacking any connection with the guy I'm married too, I swear it's built up frustration. But he'll say I can get close to someone that's always angry with me, I distance myself from people like that. He has told me many times to go seek help and that I'm gas lighting him. I think he feels abused 😔
This is the guy that didn't get me a mothers card from my baby because she can't write 😫 the guy that didn't congratulate me on my crappy new part time job was just relived we weren't gonna struggle financially, the guy that still has to ask me if I want a ham toasties every time he makes himself one and I tell him no I don't like them, the guy that didn't notice our wedding violinist wasn't in the room he was waiting in with 100 guests, Ironically I was and nearly 1.30 hours late due to traffic 🙈 and it still wasn't enough time to notice the quiet room, despite our rehearsal. I walked done the aisle to very slow awkward claps. She was meant to play our song, a song I now struggle to hear because we had a few hiccups that day in all, lol my bmaid jumped in my car without me and the traffic was crazy, football was on and I ended up in our drivers mates car that happened to be in town that day, he was wearing a shell suit! Out of anyone's control it was just a strange day, not all bad but not the wedding I worked my ass off for. He was drunk, and had fun, I had one glass of prosecco and tried to stop my bridesmaids from arguing after a rocky hen doo 😔 I didn't see much of him that day.

Arghhh I just feel so may of my milestones with him our journey has these odd moments of sadness. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my friends/others but it's hard sometimes, I question what I'm doing wrong. Why didn't I deserve a gushy card on my wedding day from my husband to treasure? My problem is I am sentimental and I have zero sentiments, I take the photos I'm never in them. Why did he write his speech on the hotel note pad, I glance down and it has plaza at the top of the page. Why didn't I get a box of chocolates after pushing my babies out? Why dont I have a cake on my bday. My kids even find it odd. Zero care or effort and I'm adopting his ways too. I don't have the energy and care anymore.

Who can I talk too that will listen to me and give me advise?

Nevermind sex and intimacy focus on:

1. Getting help for your anxiety and anger management
2. Getting couples counselling so even if you decide to separate you can at least learn to speak with respect as you will always be tied by children

You ask why he doesn't give this or do that well it's because this is the sort of man you chose to settle down and have 3 kids with. The women with better husbands have higher standards for themselves. You're here now, so get individual and couple therapy and let go of the romantic gestures,focus on establishing respect.

I agree, you need help with your anxiety. You sound stressed to the max which is causing you to blow up over everything. I would also advise counselling for yourself so you have a safe space to express your worries. Then perhaps couples counselling when you feel ready and if your husband will agree to cooperate. Ruminating about the past and wishing things could be different will only add to your anxiety and stress so take steps now to create a calmer life for yourself.

You sound really frazzled and exhausted, you’re probably not getting enough sleep because of your youngest. I would suggest you work on sleep training so that you don’t have to co-sleep with her. Then it might help you clear your head to tackle the bigger issues in your marriage.

Also, why don’t you get your boys to shower first thing in the morning before breakfast? It doesn’t address your husband being inconsiderate but at least that’s one less thing to stress about each morning.

Re your husband:

1. It sounds like you would like him to take the initiative and offer to help when he sees you’re struggling, and then get angry when none is forthcoming. Try a more assertive approach and just ask him to do stuff (load the dishwasher, etc). This doesn’t resolve the problem of your mental load but at least you get the help that you want, without holding in all the rage until you explode. Even better, discuss the split of household chores if you feel that it’s disproportionately falling to you.

2. Before you got married and had kids, did he use to make romantic gestures, buy you cards for special occasions etc? If not, like PP said, you should have known the kind of man you had chosen to marry.

No I guess looking back he wasn't. Theres almost 7 years between us. I met him when young so guess I was a different person then, I didn't have the demand for such things and attention, I was very confident, down to earth. Now im just mum.

Huh the other day he was talking about how lately I'm always hotheaded and unpredictable once a month 😳🙄 I mean if he can't see the pattern and know when I'm due on after 12 years of marriage (and consistent to the button) I have no help. He told me for the first time ever his past partners were more hot water bottle and sad movie kinda girls for a week, I'm more sort the junk draw out and get stressy when the supermarket is out of my favourite fabric softener. We're different and handle things differently, but I know I'm not the only one on the planet, I'm glad his ex's were so gentle and hopeless for 1 week of the month.... why didn't he stick around them!? 😫 I'm far to passionate and fiery.

I'm burnt out, no question about it. I haven't finished a cup of coffee in a ages. I'm starting to lag now, as long as my kids are happy and fed, clean I have zero look on much else. 😔 I start tasks and they take forever or I leave them for next day. I have zero energy and don't even put on mascara. It doesn't matter, I'm invisible.

Oh I know what you mean about showers first thing, but boys being boys I want them to enjoy their brekkie without the stress of jam or spills on uniforms, and it's just our routine comfy dressing gown and sitting around the table, minus one 🙄
I wish I have the luxury of having the entire upstairs to myself to get ready each more, but him choosing to sleep through that time is up to him and fine, if he needs the sleep fine, I guess I'm resentful, but don't then Wake up and get in everyone's way when you had that time.deciding to Shave when everyone else is ready to brush teeth etc is just ridiculous, do it night before or get up!! ??

I don't mean to be unkind, but no matter how many times your husband has failed in the past, he is right when he says you need professional help with your anxiety. Reread your missive and try to be objective. That is the ramblings of a poor soul that needs some professional attention.

One thing to consider, neuro divergent children often come from neuro divergent parents. your anxiety may stem from similar issues to mine before I got diagnosed with ADHD.
I would consider looking into this. Also, many women are mis diagnosed with anxiety when actual diagnosis of a condition such as ASC or ADHD is present.
I would also consider the fact that you have been through some extremely stressful situations, being made redundant, having to support Neurodivergent children, and having less than enough sleep by the sounds of things. I wouldn't make any rash decisions now, but I would try and get yourself in a better place mentally so you can make a decision. That isn't a snap judgement you may regret later

You sound stressed to the max. Please see your Dr to see if there's any help available, even medication, it helps.
Neither of you are communicating effectively. It can't be a happy atmosphere for the kids to be in, so this must be addressed, when you're feeling calmer. You're probably both feeling resentful of the other and that isn't helping things.
Is there any way you could have a child free moment and sit down and have a heart to heart? You certainly can't continue as you are.

Sorry, have to comment. I don't agree that you need to look at counselling or your own behavior. I'd be very stressed if I wasn't sleeping and felt so unsupported. Totally understandable. Doesn't mean that you might not benefit from therapy etc but tbf the most pressing thing is your relationship.
First, sleep train. You can't function on no sleep. Second, ultimatum, either you try couples therapy or you honestly consider separating. A lot of the stress and resentment would then not be there, caused by someone who's meant to care for you and have your back but doesn't.
Maybe he's got his own version of events, that's why I say try couple's therapy.
And do one thing for yourself if at all possible (one evening a week, say, gym, choir anything that gets you away, out, with other people and gain perspective). Wishing you the best