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Original poster

Bf said something that put me off

29 replies

Lipsynched · 27/09/2023 22:01

We were out the other day and a person with dwarfism walked past our table. Bf whispered to me that a dwarf was was walking past and indicated with his eyes to look. I ignored it and changed the subject but it’s really put me off. He’s not displayed bigoted attitudes about people with physical disabilities before but what reaction did he want me to have? Why is it worth mentioning?

he is a fan of close to the bone humour in other ways (I’ve always had a dark sense of humour myself) but I feel like a few things have recently have just crossed a line for me and making me doubt whether I see a future.

am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
user27092023 · 27/09/2023 22:30

I'd be put off by that too. It's just catty and unnecessary to be making comments like that in public. I'd also be embarrassed that the other person may have actually heard it too or seen the sly glance.

It's quite immature.

Original poster
Lipsynched · 27/09/2023 22:32

Exactly @user27092023

OP posts:
minieggsandmaltesers · 27/09/2023 22:36

Yep. My ex H had horrid attitudes towards people with disabilities, and he too would have made this type of comment.
It was a red flag among others.
He left me in the end but I'd have saved myself a load of hassle if I'd trusted my gut earlier.

Morewineplease10 · 27/09/2023 22:39

Yes it would put me off. Unkind and unnecessary.

Twat!

oranges29 · 27/09/2023 22:41

I had a friend who was like this. She was heavy on the people watching and very bitchy. Not just towards disabled people but just anyone who she thought was doing something she perceived as strange (even if it was just normal people do pretty un-noteworthy things). I think it might indicate a lack of empathy tbh

readbooksdrinktea · 27/09/2023 22:41

How unattractive. As a wheelchair user, I have had a lot of that in public over the years. I often hear it. People aren't as discreet as they think they are.

fourelementary · 27/09/2023 22:41

I’d have to talk to him about it. Pull him up on it rather than let it stew… maybe it is sheer ignorance and he would change his view if challenged. Or maybe he’s an immature arsehole. Better you find out now…

EarthSight · 27/09/2023 22:42

I'd be embarrassed. Like how old is he??

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 23:17

Just spiteful behaviour, not to mention childish.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/09/2023 23:20

That is spiteful and lacking in empathy. I would lose all respect for him.

Catsafterme · 27/09/2023 23:23

I have a dark sense of humor and a guy but I've never been like that towards others, there's no need and it's just wrong. That would annoy me also.

From my experience, it is pretty common behavior...never understood why they felt the need to do so other than just to take the piss out of others because they are different in some way.

Californiabound · 27/09/2023 23:34

It's awful, I remember being out drinking with my sister and her friends and her and her friend made fun of a guy with a disability. It sickened me and I have never thought of her the same way ever. I just stepped away from them at the time, but have never thought of them the same way.

Utter superficial cunts. Opened my eyes.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 28/09/2023 07:06

Yuk. I'd be done. I do have a family member with a disability, which may be colouring my view. Sick of that kind of person staring when I'm out with my family member. Ignorant tosser.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 07:37

What a dickhead.

First off, the assumption that you/other people are too unobservant to have noticed a person with dwarfism, secondly the assumption that you mustn't have seen them because you didn't stare at them or point them out to him (probably the more likely of the 2) .... And thirdly the complete lack of empathy and decency to another human being, by staring at them and encouraging others to stare at them. And as posters have said above, he could possibly be overheard too

Does he think that person chose to be born with dwarfism, does he think life is easy for them, does he think they're probably not really sick of being stared at? He doesn't think, that's the issue. Because he's a dickhead.

Also very puerile, immature behaviour.

It would seriously put me off.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 07:39

He sounds like the sort who'd be "surreptitiously" taking mobile phone photos of anyone he considered different/a novelty (there's a less nice way of phrasing how he sees them) and sending to mates of like mind.

TheAverageJoanne · 28/09/2023 07:57

I've got a friend who does something sort of similar that really annoys me. As an example we were watching strictly on Saturday and she remarked at the end that she'd not seen Karen. I said that we had, we talked about the dance, she was dancing with Eddy the comedian. "Oh the coloured guy?" She feels the need to do this all the time. I've asked her not to say coloured too as it's inappropriate (half caste is another she says) and I always feel the bad guy. I appreciate she's not heard of Eddy before but just Eddy would be fine.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 08:01

he is a fan of close to the bone humour in other ways (I’ve always had a dark sense of humour myself)

Combined with the "freak pointing" (note, I do not see anyone as a freak, I'm just stating how I see his attitude) this is not a good sign.

I think you're noticing that he at best lacks empathy, at worst, is cruel.

Neither of those are qualities you want in a partner/husband.
Otherwise you'll end up like posters on here who are, for example, having their need to use incontinence underwear (probably due to carrying and birthing his kids, and her age, who knows) being joked about/taken the mickey out of by their kind husband at a party in front of mixed company. You want a partner who has cop on, discretion, a bit of kindness/decency/empathy. Women, esp young women, always think his lack of these will somehow not apply to or affect them, it will.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 08:02

TheAverageJoanne · 28/09/2023 07:57

I've got a friend who does something sort of similar that really annoys me. As an example we were watching strictly on Saturday and she remarked at the end that she'd not seen Karen. I said that we had, we talked about the dance, she was dancing with Eddy the comedian. "Oh the coloured guy?" She feels the need to do this all the time. I've asked her not to say coloured too as it's inappropriate (half caste is another she says) and I always feel the bad guy. I appreciate she's not heard of Eddy before but just Eddy would be fine.

Is she 80?

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 08:09

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 08:01

he is a fan of close to the bone humour in other ways (I’ve always had a dark sense of humour myself)

Combined with the "freak pointing" (note, I do not see anyone as a freak, I'm just stating how I see his attitude) this is not a good sign.

I think you're noticing that he at best lacks empathy, at worst, is cruel.

Neither of those are qualities you want in a partner/husband.
Otherwise you'll end up like posters on here who are, for example, having their need to use incontinence underwear (probably due to carrying and birthing his kids, and her age, who knows) being joked about/taken the mickey out of by their kind husband at a party in front of mixed company. You want a partner who has cop on, discretion, a bit of kindness/decency/empathy. Women, esp young women, always think his lack of these will somehow not apply to or affect them, it will.

Edited

Also the fact that you feel the way you do about the incident shows you are not like him, and therefore unsuited to him. There are plenty of empty headed, nasty, silly, lacking in empathy women out there to partner him up, why should you waste yourself on him. He is morally (and probably intellectually) beneath you.

TheAverageJoanne · 28/09/2023 08:42

@GilbertMarkham Just over half that age!

Yolo12345 · 28/09/2023 13:26

Look my partner is no angel but honestly he would never do that

idrinkandiknowthings · 28/09/2023 13:42

I'm single, but were I on a date and the guy behaved like that I'd be off without a backward glance. What an ignorant twat!

Original poster
Lipsynched · 28/09/2023 13:54

thansk for all the helpful comments

@Yolo12345 are you trying to make feel worse 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsynched · 28/09/2023 13:55

@idrinkandiknowthings well yes me too

we have been together for two years and I’ve not seen this side of him

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 28/09/2023 14:27

It is a form of abuse. I am disabled and have all sorts of stares and comments. I have endured mocking, harassment, shouting in the street and so on. I am quite used to it, and don't give a care what others think. However, I wouldn't date someone who likes to gawp at disabled or otherwise different looking people. What a moron and a total disregard for others feelings, while being smug and superior by not having these issues. It is hardly a good sign of who that person is. I dated a man who showed some racist views once towards Asian people. He made comments about not liking 'that sort of people'. He has happy to buy Asian takeaway mind you. I dumped him for being a dinosaur. You should do the same.

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