Not buying a house with dp

[Silkytales]

Have been with him for just under 18 months and things are generally fine. We pretty much live together (in his house, i pay bills and other expenses) and I like things as they are but bluntly don’t really think I want marriage and kids with him. There’s a few things that have come up (not bad) where I just don’t think we are fully compatible. We have had general chats about things and I think he does want marriage / kids with me.

we are both 30, no kids.

I want to buy a property and have a deposit ready but don’t feel like buying with him, partly because I want my independence and the relationship is still quite new, and partly because of the above.

He owns property in his name from before we met.

is there any way of telling him this is what I want without him taking it badly? My head is a bit of a mess.I don’t want to break up, at least not in the near future, but do want a place of my own.

If you don't want marriage and kids with him, why keep seeing him? I think that's unfair.

I don’t really know, I feel like I change my mind from one day to the next on it. He is very very set it is what he wants, I feel like I need time to think about it.

Also a few things have come up in the last few weeks where I’ve questioned our values, I think these are fundamentally quite different. It’s not like I’ve spent the relationship having doubts, it’s more like the last few weeks, I have heard him say for example quite judgmental things about certain groups of society and it just made me think, do I want to be with someone who holds those views.

You need to discuss whether you would both be happy living apart but still in a committed relationship.

You need to discuss if either would or would not want kids.

Then decide. However from reading your post it doesn't seem as though you are really in to him, almost as though you are waiting for the right one. In which case let him go.

I was into him for much of our early relationship but I feel like as I get to know him, I don’t always like his views

If you don't have shared values marriage is bloody hard, even being together longer term to be honest.

Buy your house, enjoy the security of a place of your own.

You absolutely need to have shared values. It's about the only thing I have in common with my DP. For example: we both feel that people have a shared duty towards their community and society in general, not just themselves and their immediate family. We both believe that society is better for everyone when those in need are looked after. We don't value things over quality of life. Neither of us give a shit if we can't have a brand new car but we want to have the financial freedom to do what we like when we get older. We don't put much store in keeping up appearances. Aside from those kinds of things we like totally different films and music, have different kinds of jobs, and hobbies. I like socialising and nice interiors and forests, he could live in a shack on the beach. It's your values that really define who you are.

@ChevyCamaro and @DisforDarkChocolate thanks I completely agree.

we had a debate the other night about institutionalised racism and he just doesn’t seem to accept it’s as big as an issue as it is. He is a privileged white male and doesn’t seem to get how lucky he is. It really wound me up.

he is kind and generous and all those things (to me) but I don’t see a future with someone who I have to spoon feed info on this / is ignorant to societal issues like that. He is very very intelligent and clued up so not ignorant but has clear viewpoints on key issues like that which depress me.

I just don’t know what to do really. Some nights we have a lovely night in and I think to myself I really like him and want to be with him for a long time. But there’s this residual doubt that just never really goes away and probably appeared 6 months into our relationship. Do I cut ties? I don’t know!