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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Co-habiting after separation with kids - advice needed!!

19 replies

Lalallals248 · 27/09/2023 14:42

Long story short, my husband and I are separating because he's spent our marriage being unfaithful to me by sharing sexual explicit messages/pictures/videos with another woman. I have proof he's done this at least once for every year we've been together.
We have 3 kids, one of whom is a baby, and I'm currently on mat leave. We've spent the last months trying to make it work but now I'm going back to my job it's clear it isn't going to work and we need to split.
I don't drive so we'd agreed that he'd keep the house and the kids and I'd move out to a place that was closer to my work and have the kids as and when they wanted for now with a more robust plan to be put in place later. However, the plan has been scuppered by the fact that houses cost so much more than they used to and I can't afford to live alone on my wage. We now need to co-habit until a better solution can be thought of.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? What do you tell the kids? how do you behave?
Any help would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Anonymous32 · 27/09/2023 14:59

We did it for a couple of months then I just couldn't cope anymore. I moved in with my mum and have the kids there when ever I have chance and I'm not working. The kids home is where ex DH is. It's working at the moment, I just don't know when I'll be in a better financial place to have a home of my own. We've agreed I can come and go as I please in the family home as we both own it, (but obviously I have boundaries and don't take the mess) this is a short term solution, we get on fine and the kids are happy. That's all that matters at the minute. I suppose it depends on how well you both get on .... as to how it works. Give it time we didn't rush into anything drastic. I told my eldest who is 14 she was very understanding, our 10 year old knows we aren't together but as he's seen or heard no arguments he's also fine, there both laid back kids and I'm so greatful for that it hasnt been easy but we've adjusted. I had to be the one who left as some of his family also live in our home it's there's aswell as ours.( Before anyone judges as to why I went and not the dad. X)

Welshwonder92 · 27/09/2023 15:00

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position.
I would recommend you don’t leave your home and seek legal advice. Are you home owners, renting? Leaving the home may make you vulnerable in the long term x

Jonisaysitbest · 27/09/2023 16:23

I think it could work in the short term but maybe set the boundary that neither of you enters into a relationship or dates while you are cohabiting because that could change things and be awkward. Obviously this is only possible to put in place if this is a short term thing.

Ime if he has been unfaithful it probably won't be long before he looks to start a new relationship so be wary of that & how it might affect things.

Lumpydumpy380 · 27/09/2023 19:05

Are you me?! This is literally what I’m going through right now, also with 3 kids one of whom is a 12 week old. I have no advice at all I’ve spent all day in tears but I’m sorry this is happening to you aswell. Men are vile x

Lalallals248 · 28/09/2023 10:59

@Lumpydumpy380 it genuinely breaks my heart that you're out there going through the same thing. His behaviour has completely shattered my world and I feel like I'm the one having to stress and struggle trying to create something new out of it while he just acts like it's all fine. I hope you have a better day today <3.

OP posts:
Lucious1000 · 28/09/2023 11:08

I did it and tried.

Everybody is different, but from my experience it was hell. It just didn't work.

I needed, and she probably, but I did, needed to rip the band aid off.

Lucious1000 · 28/09/2023 11:15

I slept upstairs at the end. Had to get up early every morning to put the cushions back on the sofa to keep it from the kids.

But they knew and sensed something. IMO better to try and explain it to them. Mine were 9 and 11. They were upset, but now it is normal. I was always there during the split, even though I had to move 300 miles away for 2 months. I bought them both phones so I could FaceTime. I wanted to make sure they knew I was still there.

Now. I'm back in the same city. They love my place and have adjusted to 50/50. Always speaking honestly with them.

My point after a ramble is....Sometimes you just need to go. It's scary and hard. You have a choice.

The easy choice. Just being miserable as it's easier.

My experience

Blisssanti · 28/09/2023 13:39

If he’s cheating why do you have to move out? That sounds tough especially if you have a baby. Can you learn to drive if that’s the main factor, do an intensive course or learn automatic?

Living together while separated is hellish, particularly if things aren’t 100% amicable.

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 13:42

He rents a room elsewhere and comes and babysits through the day however why not try the universal credit calculator and see how much help you can get with childcare costs I think it’s quite a lot

hed then be better seeking employment and paying you maintenance

thelonemommabear · 28/09/2023 14:06

No way would i leave my children including a young baby. Perhaps you could use this co habiting time to learn to drive. Once you are out that door and your husband is classed as the primary resident parent you'll have to pay him CMS and he then holds all the cards when it comes to renegotiating shared parenting timetables/schedukes

Lalallals248 · 28/09/2023 22:42

Basically he doesn't want to split up but I do so we're at the point where the only way we can split is if I leave :(. It's not ideal but I can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
SofiaBrownEyes · 29/09/2023 07:17

I can't believe you thought leaving your 3 children including a baby was ever a good idea and then leaving it up to them to see you when they want??? Did you not realise they will feel you abandoned them?
Were you reliant on him to drive you to work or something?

Blisssanti · 29/09/2023 10:15

That’s a bit harsh @SofiaBrownEyes, I imagine OP was desperate.

Good to hear that’s no longer the plan though OP - it sounds so tough. Can you have couples counselling or something to discuss a way forward? Can you sell the house and each get something smaller?

anotherdisaster · 29/09/2023 13:14

I co-habited with my ex but thankfully he finally agreed to move out after a couple of month. It was pretty horrible living apart in the same house. Thankfully we had a spare room so i spent my time in there after the kids went to bed. He left and rented somewhere and I stayed in the house until it sold. Why can't you just put the house on the market?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/09/2023 14:31

can you get back earning
and then compromise with a bedsit or room that you either sleep in whilst the kids stay home

given HE cheated it seems wrong that you move out x

SpringleDingle · 29/09/2023 14:35

If you are married then you probably need to file for divorce. You also need legal advice before you move out or consider moving out. You'll need to understand the financial realities and consider how you want life to look going forward.

Blisssanti · 29/09/2023 14:53

Yes as @SpringleDingle said it’s not his choice ultimately whether you split up - you can file for divorce and legally force him to sell house. Best to get legal advice.

Lalallals248 · 29/09/2023 15:36

@SofiaBrownEyes So what do you suppose I do? Remain in the same house as my cheating husband who won't leave? Parents split up and fathers leave all the time - would you accuse him of leaving them?
Honestly, I've realised that people on Mumsnet just enjoy being judgey and nasty and I don't think it's a place I want to be.

OP posts:
Blisssanti · 29/09/2023 15:41

@Lalallals248 some people can be judgey it’s true, but there are also some really compassionate and helpful people who can give you great advice, I would recommend sticking with it! I hope things work out for you.

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