Very long - Adult children have turned child against me. I blame myself. (TW. SA)

[Usedtobeswimming]

Not posted for ages but MN got me through what happened 13 years ago. I think that those events make what has happened now understandable and I expect to be judged . I just don’t know how to keep going .

My eldest DD2 , lives nearby , close to DD1, both mid 20’s and neurodiverse .My 13yo is currently with them and all three have cut contact and say that I won’t see them again.
A week ago apparently, DD’s school rang her siblings to discuss disclosures she’d made about me and asking if she could stay with them. DD2 apparently agreed with the disclosures and a TA took DD4 to her house and the TA and DD2 submitted a safeguarding referral to SS. DD2 text me to say this had happened but not until later that evening. She then came to my house and accused me of serious abuse towards DD4 and said I “had it coming “ and “ deserved it”

I rang safeguarding next morning. They said that no advice regarding action had been given to school or my DD and that she was free to be at home with me, however . Since she is 13 and has chosen to be with a sibling , no action could be taken.
The allegations were read out to me and were untrue or exaggerations of events which have sadly involved police and mh services as they have resulted from DD1 and DS having crises and meltdowns. Understandably, DD4 does find these events upsetting . She is protected as far as is logistically possible and is a registered young carer and has a caseworker who helps support her . However, she had also alleged that I use extreme physical violence towards her. I have never used any physical or verbal aggression or violence towards any of my children .

I work as a senior professional in an allied service in another county .

The safeguarding referral was investigated within 24 hours and not upheld. I was told there are no concerns about my parenting and that the case had been closed . My DD4 to be offered a voluntary needs assessment but allocation not urgent and may take several weeks . Also that she can choose to do this without me.

I haven’t seen any of them since . I have not pestered or been reactive ( although I feel like beating on the door / sending emotional messages etc) I’ve sent short and direct messages hoping they are ok and sending love and offering to listen. I am blocked though so these are not seen.

The backstory - DD4’s bio f was a psychopath who terrorised my DC and me. She has never had contact with him. Safeguarding were involved from her birth and I took every step to protect all my DC after posting on MN. He didn’t live with us and has never been heard of since then.
I carry deep shame and guilt at what happened . I have never defended that I was the adult and allowed him to have contact with us . My DC have understandably been angry with me about this ever since.

My DS, 22, had a psychotic episode during lockdown and was sectioned . He disclosed SA by that man. Once he became well, he declined help and wouldn’t speak about it.
DD1 and DD2 did not see him when he was unwell because of covid restrictions,but he spoke on the phone to them saying that I’d had him locked up to prevent the truth coming out .

He has been very stressed in recent months and a fortnight ago DD4 expressed fear that he was becoming psychotic again. She is the only other sibling who experienced his psychosis back then and was naturally terrified as he was hallucinating and saying very scary things.

I asked DD2 to help me with DS by being with him while waiting for crisis team, or having DD4 at her house while I did. DS was very frightened and hallucinating and asking for help .( He shares a house with DD3) DD2 said she couldn’t help and told me to back off DS and let him live his life . He later rang her from several hundreds of miles away where he had gone by Uber costing thousands and was afraid he was under surveillance. She drove to get him and dropped him at his house. DD3 came over to mine as afraid of things he was saying.

That was the night before DD4 went to school and apparently asked not to come home to me. I assume she was- understandably - afraid that DS might be there. DD1 messaged DD3 to say she and DD2 would be keeping DD4 with them and also supporting DS to keep away from me.

DS was sectioned and taken to H two days later. I had to meet them at his and DD3 house to open the front door . The decision to assess him came from police reports of his behaviour and concerns raise by public in the area he’d been in when DD2 collected him .

DD1 and 2 do not believe he is unwell. They say that what he is saying is driven by anger at me and that the solution is NC with me. Obviously his treatment team do not agree with them . They believe I have power over his treatment team due to my profession. Obvs that isn’t true.

DD4 is attending school as far as I know . DS messaged me from H last night and said DD’s 1 and 2 had visited him earlier and told him they would be keeping DD4 away from me and that I was going to have the book thrown at me for what I’ve done to all my children .

Despite him believing he is an avenging angel with superpowers , he expressed anger about this , said he doesn’t hold me responsible but that he understands why they are doing it.

I’ve rung and emailed school but had no response yet. I’ve also raised a complaint about the way school acted in not informing me that DD was wanting to return to siblings house , for driving her there without informing me and for not informing me that a safeguarding was being raised .

SS say just stand back and let it all settle down - she’ll come home eventually. Any concerns I have need to fall within safeguarding framework and put forward formally etc . That would be inflammatory I feel. I’m off work. I’ve got covid ( again).

DD3 is at mine and is also very upset - and does not agree with siblings actions but is also blocked by them as has told them this.

I am completely devastated and feel like I cannot bounce back from this .
I had an extremely abusive childhood and my parents were complicit - and often present - with what was perpetrated by that man ( and previous abusers of me)

I have only ever known abusive relationships and have simply progressed along a spectrum of overt to covert etc. I have no interest in relationships any more.

People say I’m amazing and so strong .I’m respected in my profession .
But I just see myself as holding it together on the outside .
inside I believe I am a failure who has got away with it. It’s like there are two realities - there’s always been ; the one my birth family had of me - evil troublemaker who deserves what she gets … and survivor fighting the sad but inevitable outcome of abuse . The middle ground I don’t know .

My adult children are, I guess, acting out anger and pain . My youngest DD knows nothing about her birth father . I’m a lot older than her peers mothers and she frequently says she prefers being with her sibs . Of course she does ! She goes there or rings/ messages whenever I set limits that she doesn’t like. They have always spoiled and indulged her - we all have . They have never backed me up on anything. They didn’t have the luxuries that she has because she has been my only child the last few years .

I guess I’m looking for any thoughts or advice about what I could or should do for the best for DD4 now . I have PR but no idea what’s going on and no power to act. I’m afraid that anything I do will be turned against me .
I have huge fear and a sense of doom that I’m going to be arrested and imprisoned even though SS have told me I’m not being investigated.

I’ve only ever known fear and to keep on picking up the pieces and moving on. We are all financially stable - each child has own property- because my birth family were wealthy and have mostly passed away, so inheritance.

Thats fortunate . I don’t know what purpose I have now and do wonder if they would now genuinely be better off if I disappeared as I cannot see how I can ever repair this .
thanks if you managed to read all of this

DS has blown his inheritance and doesn’t own the house . It belongs to DD3. It needs some work now because of what he has done to it while unwell. He paid for and organised work in the house recently , following damage he caused during his last episode .

DD 2 is engaging with people so far as to say that she continues to believe I am a danger to children and unable to parent . She went to the H to see DS yesterday conveyed this to his team . He rang me to say he was upset by this and said he thinks it is more nuanced than she described and said that she also told him that I have made up his illness . He thinks he is unwell although would like to be at home .

I used to work in a school.

You might be surprised how common it is for teenagers to walk out after rows/difficult family situations and go and stay with step-dad/grandma/older sibling.

Usually once they have all calmed down a bit after a week/couple of weeks the conversations can start again and the teenager will often move back in.

The school have seen this all before and are letting everyone calm down. Once people have calmed down they will probably organise some meetings.

I'm not sure that your DD2 does sound like an ideal parental influence at all. What a terrible situation.

How is it the school is fine with this

School invited DD2 to discuss DD4’s disclosures with them , without me present , at DD4 ‘s request . This took place over the phone .
Apparently they all agreed that the best course of action was a referral and immediate removal from me for safety. DD4 was then driven to DD2’s house without my consent and without my being informed .
school and DD2 continue to agree that this was in my child’s best interests and safety.
I rang school next day and was told I am the perpetrator of abuse and thus not the point of contact going forward . I was also told that I am unfit to parent and that my older DD has disclosed things which confirm this to school.
From posters on this thread , I have learned that school have acted appropriately here and I have consequently emailed school to withdraw my questions and complaint about their actions.
I fully accept that I have failed my children . I didn’t post for sympathy or support for me as a victim , just to be clear .
its been helpful to hear the thoughts of others and to be corrected about what I had thought re school.

So someone at the school (safeguarding lead?) told you you're a perpetrator and an unfit parent.

This was on the basis of DD2's allegations, which were untrue or exaggerations of events that involved police and MH services - the ones she says you use against your children. Those events resulted from DD1 and DS having crises and meltdowns. DD2 also told the school you use extreme physical violence against her. Police would surely have investigated this during their involvement with crisis events.

The safeguarding referral was investigated within 24 hours and not upheld. SS told you told there are no concerns about your parenting and the case has been closed.

What you seem to have here is a school safeguarding person overreaching their powers by accepting DD2's allegations against you, making decisions on that basis and passing judgement on you. I know little about student safeguarding, but am certain that what this person did was both unprofessional and slanderous. Moreover, they appear to have delivered a child into the care of a young person having some sort of psychotic break.

There's an extensive history of police, SS and MH involvement with your family and the children's various psychological & developmental issues and crises. Are you now saying all those services are wrong, have been lying about your children and covering for you? Why would they have done that? You know this isn't true.

Social Services have investigated DD2's very serious allegations against you and closed the case. Are they also lying and wrong?

If what you have taken from this thread is that the school acted appropriately and that you're a catastrophic failure as a mother, you aren't reading the same thread I'm now replying to.

The most logical conclusion, then, is that you are now in a mental health crisis of your own and have lost touch with reality, past and present. Please call for help.

I don't care how you do it - report yourself to the police if you like, ring SS first thing in the morning to tell them you're a psychopathic child abuser, present at A&E and tell them you're having a breakdown, or calmly ring your MH contact tomorrow to request urgent assistance. But I think you MUST get some help quickly. Your posts are extremely worrying.

It's all very confusing.

I think that you should contact social services and ask that they contact school. They are the ones who have investigated your parenting and it sounds like the school is unaware that the case against you is closed. The school aren't unreasonable to believe the kids but it sounds like you need an advocate yourself. It sounds like the school are unaware that the case is closed and they need to talk to SS about the best way forward for everyone.
If dd1, dd2 and dd3 are going to look after the other 2 kids then it sounds like they need support and checking that they can cope with their siblings high needs. It is difficult parenting without mental health issues or special needs.

I hope you are ok today OP, you have gone through so much. You dealt with things as you saw fit at the time. Please don't take all the weight of responsibility on your shoulders, it comes through in your posts that you tried to do the best thing for all concerned and with multiple complexities to deal with. I hope you are getting some support, warmth or comfort from somewhere. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for being concerned about my mental state and I do see how it might sound like I’m in crisis . I’m not in mh crisis, just struggling to face reality.
only one of my Dc is a child . Of 13. The others are adults who work and live independently and have done for several years now.
The - adult - dc who have mh difficulties and ND vulnerabilities , spend a lot of time together and support one another when in crisis.
Ive been living alone with my youngest until this happened .
I haven’t called on the adult DC to co parent or babysit my child since they left home . They do have her to stay at times , but that’s on their terms , because they want to see her.

What is and has , understandably, upset my adult dc, is what happened before the baby was born . Of course it was awful and of course it was my fault and of course they are absolutely entitled to be angry and hurt with me about this .

I have always and will always agree with them that I failed them then. I know that all their emotional and mh difficulties arise from this . It is understandable that they don’t believe me a fit parent .

I am only called upon to step in when things are at critical point and services are involved , or to bail out financial issues for them . I do this gladly.
I have to accept that this is reality for them and support them to do what they need and want to do . My 13 yo has the support of school and her siblings and my narrative is not helpful to anyone , let alone how it makes me feel .

I agree OP that whatever you are reading into this thread is not what I am seeing. I also am concerned for your mental state.

School did indeed act correctly to safeguard your youngest DD, and not disclose to you that she had made allegations against you.

However they were wrong to tell you that you are an unfit parent, apparently before any investigation had taken place!

That you've emailed the school effectively confessing to things that aren't true on the basis that your mentally unwell daughter believes that it is true, and you think her mental illness is your fault, is very strange behaviour.

I really think you do need to urgently get help for yourself OP.

OP- I think that you need some support from outside the family. There's lots of trauma and pain in your posts and I would hope that you can access some support because it's too complicated for people in the family to make sense of things. I think that you are in crisis and need some stable support.

Sounds like you are disappearing a bit . Its a very intense thread. There is a light from your DS seeing the grey whilst your daughters are stuck in the black and white. Time again, the fucker is the one to hold onto.