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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where to get help/support - problems with exH and the kids

12 replies

Stressymadre · 27/09/2023 07:02

I'm hoping someone might be able to advise me as to where I can get some professional advice regarding my ExH and his behaviour towards our children. We have two children who live with me and see their dad EOW and one night a week.
ExH has always had a temper and shouts a lot over things that are very very small. It used to be a source of tension in our marriage and one of the reasons it took me so long to leave as I used to regulate him and would pick him up for it and I was worried about how he'd be with the kids without me there to pick him up on it.
His behaviour is impacting the children. He shouts at them and sometimes throws things (not at them, just in anger) and they find it scary. My eldest called me at the weekend asking to be picked up because of it. The children say they're happy there as long as he's not shouting at them and they want him to stop being so over the top.
Where can I get some advice and support with this? I can't speak to exH - he is a scary man and was abusive towards me post divorce and he won't take the criticism well. Any advice please? I want my children to be happy and feel safe ❤️

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:03

How old are the kids ?

Original poster
Stressymadre · 27/09/2023 07:05

Junior school and early teen

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/09/2023 07:08

How did he react to one of the children going home early?

What usually happens is everyone wrings their hands waffles about different parenting styles and the kids vote with their feet as soon as they are old enough

Original poster
Stressymadre · 27/09/2023 07:10

I didn't collect him, I spoke with him and calmed him down. I spent about an hour liaising between him and his dad to calm the whole situation down and he stayed. I fully appreciate some of it is different parenting styles. Their dad is incredibly strict (also controlling!) and I am strict with certain things but less with others but when does it go beyond strict parenting style and into something more serious?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:11

Then I think you need to tell the children that they don’t have to go, and that you’ll pick them up if they are not happy. I know it’s a pain, but they need to know they can leave.
And you can always contact the school nurse for advice, and it might be worth mentioning the upset to the kids schools, in case they say something and it becomes a safeguarding event.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 07:13

Imo you should have collected all the dc.. Every time.. Or you aren't protecting them. What reason did you give you wouldn't? Imo also you risk your relationship with them. They will learn you rent to be trusted. It's exes job to manage his relationship and temper. When you need to get your dc the fuck away from him. He is abusing them with your blessing. Imagine they confide in a teacher then tell them you know already.

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 27/09/2023 07:13

Nobody will be able to intercede with him on your behalf so you'll have to stop the kids going overnight if you feel they aren't safe with him. It's not an easy path to travel.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 27/09/2023 07:14

My ExH wouldn't let me collect them... I have told my eldest that he doesn't have to go, he's old enough to make that choice but he wants to see his dad

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:16

When he shouts and throws things he is being abusive to your children. If the children want to leave and he won’t let them, you call the police.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 27/09/2023 07:18

Thank you. I think this is what I need to know. I am ready to take that next step but I have some people telling me he's just a strict parent and the kids need to learn to stuck to his rules

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:19

No, he’s not a strict parent, he’s a bully with no self regulation.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 07:20

He can't stop them leaving if they want to.

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