Please help: Husband in career crisis

[Worriedbyname]

Hi All,

I’ll do my best not to ramble here. I’d really appreciate your advice if you’ve had similar circumstances and what you did to turn it around.

My husband and I have been married a couple of years and together for 5 before that. He can’t get a full time decent job. He has been out of work for over a year. He was made redundant during lockdown from his job of 4 years and is still shellshocked by it. I mean, it was distressing for him, but it looked to me like he was ‘handled out’. He was made redundant from a job before that due to a merger.

We had a baby 8 months ago. I had to go back to work when the baby 5 months because we just couldn’t afford SMP with him not working. I feel furious about that because I didn’t feel ready. Im still getting myself together after birth and an exceptionally hard pregnancy. I wanted the time with our baby, but he has it.

In his most recent job over a year ago, his contract was a maternity cover, and then they went back out to open recruitment for a further 6 months instead of just extending his contract. He didn’t apply and left to avoid being humiliated. The person who has since got the job is 15 years younger and was made permanent.

He’s mid 40s, very intelligent, well read person. He’s kind and considerate. I used to think it’s just a run of bad luck and that his sector (education) is in a bad way, but now my gut says he’s just not very bright in the workplace.

His type of work has really suffered with lots of education moving to remote/digital working, but he won’t retrain to expand his horizons. He applies for quite a lot of roles, all around the £35k mark (which is just not enough, but I don’t say this). He’s got interviews, and how I cringe when I listen to him waffle. He won’t take advice from me and refuses to practice with me for the interviews. He is not great with MS Teams either for remote working.

i can’t tell you how much I’ve tried to help and support him. I’ve paid our every bill alone for over a year now. It has min in debt - not a lot, but some. I worked up until the day I gave birth to max my mat leave. He hasn’t bought a sock for the baby. I stay up and find jobs for him to apply to. I revamp his CV, help with his cover letter. He takes no initiative to tailor his cv to a job and his cover letters are often last minute. I find his lack of resourcefulness so unattractive and fear the bad example for our kid. I’ve encouraged him to go to counselling. Suggested he retrain, looked up courses to help him. He is just so deflated/defeated/lethargic about it all. He’s not lazy. He buries his head in DIY - long, drawn, unproductive DIY. It’s killing our relationship.

I’ve thought a lot about leaving him lately. He seems so stuck. I just want him to go to a career magician who will tell him what to do and sort himself out.

Has anyone’s partner gone through this and come out the other side? How did you do it?
thanks for reading this far.

Have my first ever LTB. I'm not surprised that you're thinking of leaving him. What exactly do you get from this relationship?

You've given him a roof over his head, a baby, an income and I can confidently guess that you probably do all of the feeds and childcare. He provides nothing.

It wouldn't surprise me if he's sabotaging interviews on purpose because he knows that you'll continue to support him.

You would be financially better off without him and probably be far happier without the stress of having two dependents.

The fact that you had to sacrifice your mat leave because he was too lazy to get off his arse and get a job is unforgivable.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

He’s a lazy wimp, with no self respect or respect for you.

Tell him to get a job delivering for Asda or get out.

Once he’s contributing he can think about moving job to something else. In the meantime bring in some money.

What about a career coach? Would he perhaps hear it better from someone else?

I don't think its fair to blame him for you having a short maternity leave. Having a baby without a secure income maybe wasn't the best plan.

It sounds like you are mismatched. He just wants a regular job, and isn't desperate to retrain or advance himself. £35k is an above average salary for the UK although not for teaching. To be honest he sounds depressed and in need of a complete career change.

You are more dynamic, want more and are willing to compete to make it happen. Being with someone who isn't like you can be very frustrating. Your resentment will only grow, and as you push him to improve he will withdraw from you.

Can you suggest he speaks to a qualified careers professional? You can find one on the CDI register or use the National Careers Service for free. They can work with him to understand his barriers, motivation etc, maybe another voice will help

He definitely needs some sort of career coach. There's something amiss with his in his workplace which needs unpicking objectively. The part about them not extending his contract speaks volumes - they clearly didn't want him as its usually preferential to do this rather than externally recruit.

With regards to everything else, a marriage counsellor would be beneficial but costly.

My DH once lost his job and he literally was applying for anything - he needs to step up to contribute to the household. What about retraining? Sounds like at the least, he needs to do a computer course of some description as that will be holding him back.

Sounds like he isn't suited to the jobs he's applying for. I think he needs to get something. Unless he becomes SAHP but don't think that would work for you?

We had periods when my DP wasn't working. Mainly due to him being a prima donna or getting bored. Self employment was the solution for him. Is that an option for your DP?

I don't think self employment is the answer for Op's husband. Self employment involves going out and selling yourself time and time again. That's not what Op's husband is good at or he would already have a job.

Op - I think that you need a really honest conversation with your husband where you tell him that he needs to get a job, any job, in order to contribute to the family finances. Now is a good time as shops etc will be looking for Xmas staff.

Could you have a serious chat where you say you can't continue to live like this, you'll support him whether it's a mental health issue or a work/job issue, but there has to be a family plan to address it?

Does he look after the baby?
If roles were reversed we’d be saying SAHM is a full time job.

Why does it have to be the mum at home with the baby? Parenting should be a partnership.

But if you married him to be the breadwinner and that’s critical to you then yes you should probably split.

So is your 8 month old in full time childcare …
or is he caring for baby at home
becaUse if he is doing the majority childcare when u are at work .that makes him the main parent and most likely to get the child in a split ,with u paying him maintenance to stay home and look after baby

It sucks.

In the same position. Working in retail at the moment (crappy retail) and one of them requires me to get up at 3am 2x a week abruptly after a normal week/wake up time. It's depressing, had to swallow my pride and get on with it. No offence to anyone in retail but this is not something I saw myself doing at my age after running my own business for 20 years.

He's lucky he's got you. Are you claiming benefits. He could speak to a careers advisor. Helped me as my confidence was shot.

Does he have transferable skills. I've applied for all sorts but I imagine people can hire people younger and when they see my CV probably think why is this guy applying (I need money)

He just has to suck it up for now. As above. Asda delivery. I'm about to start what I can only say is another $bitty job. He'll have to come to terms with this for now at least.

I have to say having come back to the working world. It is awful out there. It is modern day slavery.

Good luck to him

I’d look at his mental health, does he suffer from anxiety? I’m not saying the situation is OK but there may well be something else going on beyond just laziness, I’ve been in a similar situation and have since left the relationship but in hindsight I think this was the problem in my scenario and I never realised.

Try looking at interview techniques. I knew someone who was clever, on the spectrum and absolutely useless at interviews.

Sounds like he needs a bit of support, but of tough love. It also sounds like he is depressed and demotivated. Easy to tell people what they need to do but if depressed it's not easy. Been there too.

Not sure how he is spending his hours but he can hit YouTube to brush up on some basic IT stuff e.g Teams

He needs to look in to why he can't keep/find a job in his area.

The obvious place to start would be to reflect on the maternity cover contract - did it go well, did he get encouragement to apply for the permant role whe it becams eavailable? He should have applied for the permanent role, if nothing else to get feedback on his time there

I've been in a similar situation for 9 years albeit my husband does provide some income from a flat he had prior to us meeting which he kept and rented out. Still, that was supposed to provide money for the family such as savings, holidays etc and nor replace an adult income.

It nearly broke us as I lost all respect for him. He is now in the process of applying to do retraining in IT so we'll see. I think the flat money softened his work ethic as he had this as an inheritance from an early age so he never needed a job to survive when a young adult, like most of my generation did. ( we are late 40s).

The only thing stopping us splitting up is I'd still have to sub him anyway!

I have a friend like you, but 20 years down the line. Both kids had full time childcare while he did (pointless) diy. He is very intelligent. He hasn’t worked for 20 years and their house is a bomb site of un-completed diy jobs. It is a stress full environment ( in my view). My friend accepts this and is very zen. She works long hours and has a lot of holidays away. I think she is ok with it and accepts it. I couldn’t.

Actually, I think if this were a bloke talking about his wife, replies would be a lot less 'kind'.

The way you speak about your partner barely hides the contempt and disrespect you have for him.

I assume he's looking after the baby whilst you work, and I think the resentment you have for that is eating away at everything else, but if my partner did everything you do when I'd bene made redundant, I would be a shell of myself and it would completely erode my confidence. Its hard enough losing your job once, let alone twice, but judging his interview technique, cvs, 'waffling' etc, whilst I understand your trying to be supportive or at least help, could be doing the opposite.

Thing is, even if he gets a job in 6 months, will this be enough for you to get over that resentment? Have you worked out childcare bills v earnings? Are you only wanting one child or more and if so, what will the childcare bills be then? Could you reframe this in your mind as you continuing your career whilst still having the family until they're old enough for school. Could you suggest he speaks to his peers about cv feedback? Could you aim to build him back up and point him to former colleagues or friends for interview advice etc. Education is a really difficult sector to work in at the moment, even outside of teaching. There's a lot of pressure and many people are finding it too much. Perhaps he does need a bit of help, mental health wise

You need to decide on your feelings and if this is rescuable.

I think he needs to understand (you need to tell him) that he needs to get a job; ANY job; to contribute. He is in his comfort zone now and he needs to be pushed. I expect his pride won’t allow him apply for jobs that he considers beneath him; even tho the jobs he is applying for don’t want him as he hasn’t kept up his skills and (sorry!) doesn’t seem to be a good colleague that companies want to retain.
I would consider giving him a deadline; if he doesn’t secure a job in his chosen field by date x he is going to apply for all available jobs; in factories; in shops; delivering etc etc. Whatever it takes to contribute for his family. Otherwise this will just drag on and he’s going to get less and less attractive as a candidate in interviews.
I would also agree re career coach - non negotiable. He should also be looking at training /upskilling as a matter of urgency.

what really sticks out to me is that he can get a job (so must interview ok) but they didn’t keep him and went out for another hire; that’s unusual so he must be quite difficult to work with for whatever reason. I think it would be useful for him to get feedback from the last firm (tho I’m sure he won’t want to hear)

don’t underestimate the stress this is placing on you (as sole provider that you didn’t agree to) and your relationship. If he doesn’t step up you may not be able to come back from this, as the resentment will be too great.

I hope you’re okay and take care of yourself. X

I did similar with my layabout partner. After several years of him chasing impossible jobs that he didn't have experience for I told him to get a min wage job or I'd be booking some marriage guidance counselling.

Our kids were well past school age by then to be fair.

It's an ongoing battle but it has seriously dented the relationship.

I was going to say just this- has he been assessed for anxiety or depression? His behaviour has a lot of the hallmarks.

We're in a bit of a different position as Mr Monkey has always been a hard worker and he brought a large cash sum to our relationship that means we have pretty low housing costs and my wage more than covers our expenses.

However, he lost all his work during lockdown and found returning to his industry really hard. He was pretty much out of work and really demotivated for 9 months as he struggled to return. After some honest discussions he thought there was scope for a small business based on his hobby, so we agreed a fixed time to make it work.

It worked well, but it became clear that it was never going to bring in more than pin money. But it did massively increase his confidence and motivation, he got a full time job in the same area and has just been headhunted by a different organisation to lead an exciting new venture.

So, in short I think your DH needs to think creatively and first do something to get his confidence back (volunteering, a hobby, casual work) and then think creatively about career paths is his previous career is now a non starter.

Why doesn’t he sign up with some agencies? I bet they would get him work straight away, even if it’s only temporary. I did that after some time out of work and they got me work the first day after my references went through.

my partner knew a couple who were in this situation. The partner left. I think they had lost all respect at this point.

Thank you for replying all.
I’ll need to a minute to get back to you all.
I think he does have depression, yes. Which is sad because he’s normally a really jolly person. I have asked him to speak with the doctor and to avail of counselling, but, again, there’s no motivation.

I have looked up intensive career courses and shared them with him. Found career coaches and shared them with him. Again no motivation. I’ll give this another ho with him.

I have used accrued annual leave and flexied my hours to have the baby in 2 day of child care. I had to take the place as we would have been on the nursery on the waitlist for another year. He has the baby 1 and sometimes 2 days a week. But I wfh, I’m often helping.

@MintJulia He had a job when I became pregnant.
@Thisisthedawningoftheageofaquarius thanks, your post was particularly helpful.