Feel a bit hurt and am now the only single in social circle

[bemorebernard]

I met my good friend when we were both single . We both moved into a new estate on the same day and we now socialise with quite a few other people who live on the same new build estate. It's really nice and friendly , but these are all couples .

My friend and I used to get together every Friday evening for food and share a bottle of wine , have a good catch up, have a laugh .

At the time we met we were both dabbling with online dating , she had a casual hook up she saw every few months , obviously when that happened I didn't go round . Friend has a child so saw date on her child free times .

She's recently met someone at a social function and has started seeing them all her free weekends , and I've encouraged her to just go with the flow after initially she was saying oh god what am I doing I don't want a relationship etc . He seems nice , we've said hi a couple of times if our paths cross . Obviously the time we spent together as friends has diminished since she is spending her child free weekends with the new man . I've been really I'll and it's fine as I've found myself enjoying being tucked up in bed by 8 watching telly with a hot chocolate.

But she said something yesterday that stung me . We ere chatting as our paths crossed , (as happens daily for 5 mins or so) and I asked how things were going , she started talking about new fella and then about her new found amazing sex life . I said oh lucky you , ( I've been single now for 4 years) and said I think Im done with fellas , can't see me going anywhere to meet anyone now. She tried to say course you will but the truth is it's highly unlikely, I work from home and if I do go into office my colleagues are all married , we only socialise with couples , all my friends are in couples , I literally don't know anyone single and that's to be expected as I'm in my 50s . I don't have anyone to go to the local with , or anything like that so my world has shrunken with regard to meeting singles , tried online and really really got burned several times , found men in my age bracket were not terribly i didn't fancy anyone anyway !

I'm off all dating apps but still have one date arranged for coffee with a guy but it isn't boding well already . So I basically said I've given up, because I have . She got back to the sex , then said "oh look at you trying not to be jealous!"

At the time it hit me but I laughed it off . Then her dd came out and gave me one of her school photos , so we chatted a little more and went into our respective houses .

Ive a coffee arranged with a fella this week but he's annoying me already. Messages daily , ringing daily, messages saying I can't wait to meet you you're amazing and I can't wait for that hug and a big kiss "

Today I messaged him and said right - I don't do kisses on first dates , I don't want to be fighting off a handsy octopus so let's get that straight .....he meekly messaged back with "I'm joking " but after the bloody gifs of dogs "kissing" and god knows how many sickly sweet messages I'm already icked out . Unless he's amazing in person I'm of the opinion there probably won't be a second meeting .

I've had to stop and ask myself am I jealous ? Well , I'm envious of anyone with companionship and a sex life they enjoy yes , would I like that? Yes . Am I desperate for it at any cost ? No. I'm single and for a reason, and that's because after hundreds of shit dates over 4 years I've decided I aren't settling . I'm not able to do casual sex as it just makes me feel shit about myself so I'm doing what makes me comfortable.

Was it a shitty thing to say ? Or am I taking it more to heart than I should ?

I'm sort of mentally relieved there is more distance between us now, but I'm still the first person she rings if she needs help with something. It's like I'm a mother figure , need first aid, ring Bernard , need something doing in the house , ring Bernard, need a spider catcher , a babysitter , a spare bottle of wine , a favour , a lift , etc etc ......you get my drift .

Never minded doing any of that . But why rub my face in being the only single person remaining when she knows I'm deflated and resigned to remaining single ?

Sorry but I think you’re overthinking this- there’s also a few issues to unpack:

1- I think you miss her and miss the friendship you’ve created. It’s a shame you don’t get to see each other as much but that’s what happens when people get into relationships. Hopefully she will soon be out of the lovey- dovey phase.
2- she was making a joke and trying not to make things awkward. You do seem a little jealous as you’ve taken this to heart. There’s nothing wrong with wanting companionship and all that comes with it.
3- I think you’re making it hard to get to know anyone. Go on the date with the guy and give him a chance. If things are awkward or you don’t like him then it was only one coffee date. I think you’ve been a bit harsh on him. Most people message daily when they want to start dating, it’s not unexpected and he’s being friendly. I think you’re just feeling really angry at the moment and taking it out on other people.
If you want to meet someone then get yourself out there. There’s still plenty of ways to meet people but you need to be open to meeting others and right now you feel a bit shut off.

not sure about anything else, but you don’t seem to like her much. Or this man you are going on a date with.

So just don’t bother with either. Or maybe try to be a bit more even minded. Depends on how you feel about it.

Sounds like she was trying to make a joke. It landed badly. I am sure have done the same before.

I think you are feeling a bit jealous and you miss her. But I think you should be a bit more understanding. It’s a new relationship a an it’s exciting. Things will settle down.

If you don’t want to date, don’t. If you don’t want to date this man. Don’t. If you don’t want to bother with her. Don’t.

But there’s something amour your writing which comes across as very unhappy. You might be best spending time looking at why that may be, if you are.

I get it OP
It's deeply irritating when people won't accept you'd prefer to be single

I have never dated online but I wouldn't meet a stranger who wanted hugs and kisses immediately.

Seriously I have absolutely put myself out there and had hundreds of dates . I don't know if you've ever met any men 45-55 on line but they're creeps mostly . I've always tried to be open minded but they proved me right.

I had a few ons, I was raped and so I stopped that and firmed my boundaries up a lot. I had a short relationship with a guy who turned out to be a swinger . Only found that out 6 weeks in. Had to get std tested. Another guy sent abusive texts when he saw after one date my profile was still online . Really my experience online hasn't been good.

This guy I'm talking to gushes daily , remember you're beautiful inside and out, have an amazing day you blessed woman, morning gorgeous girl have an amazing blessed day , remember how gorgeous you are, I can't wait to meet you you amazing woman, how big is your bed and will I fit in it , videos sent daily saying the same , he hasn't even met me and it's off putting .

The latest gif was two huskies licking each other . 🤢

So no I don't think I'm being harsh . I'm being realistic. After I began speaking to,him I came off all the apps . He's my last date. When I say you are being ott he says it's a joke then starts again .

I've agreed to meet for coffee so I'm giving him more of a chance than I would simply because this is my last agreed date .

I'm independent, good career, reasonably attractive if I make the effort, slim,
Not needy, it's just been a shit show . My last ltr was an abusive and controlling ,am so im cautious but not closed off.

Im actually happy with my life . I enjoyed a sex life though and intimacy and friend knows this is something I miss , so felt slightly needless. Maybe im just tired .

I do really like ,y friend btw but it's sometimes a little,one sided , I've been really ill and have asked if she could fetch me a pint of milk on way home , got a sorry mate not going to shops

Asked for a lift to hospital once for,an MRI , she was still in pjs and I was late .

I have now hired help to assist me and don't ask anyone for anything.

I think of myself as quite a good friend , but equally happy in my pjs tucked up in bed with a good book or a good Netflix sesh !

I think I'm a bit fatigued .

Sorry I think I'm drip feeding ! Gonna watch some tv as today is a pj day !

You’ve been through a lot and I’m really sorry about what you’ve been through.
This guy seems over the top, if you’re not keen then cancel the date. If you do decide to go then give yourself a cut off time and if you’re not interested within an hour then be polite and leave. Send him a message later and say thanks for the date, think we’re better off as just friends then leave it be.

Your friend liked when you were there for attention and you enjoyed it too. It seems she’s a bit wrapped up in herself but it’s okay to miss her.

Focus on you and doing things you enjoy, if you want to try online dating again then give it a go but if not then there’s no pressure and just leave it.

She was being very weird and inappropriate.
Talking about her sexlife was weird and poor boundaries from her. But the ’jealous’ comment was just a asshole thing to say.

I’d say be less available, and I say this as someone who is and has been the only single one for a long time.
I know it’s not easy, but she doesn’t sound like a great friend and she’s kind of using you.
Sounds like she’s one of those women who think they are better people once they got a man.
It’s sad, but many women are like that….

The guy you’re talking to sounds like a love bomber.

On the one hand I am fatigued and need a break from dating .

On the other im almost at the point of measuring my turkey neck on a daily basis 😂 and keep thinking time is running out !

On the plus side I have no wrinkles yet. One day I'm gonna wake up and look like Zelda from terror hawks .

Ugh, he sounds horrible! Your friend sounds a little thoughtless tbh. Friends who rush headlong into a new relationship and drop their friends completely are not really very good friends.

Maybe spend some time investing in new friendships rather than dating? Perhaps a meet up group for friendship and activities. I've seen a few in my area, except the one that really looked good won't accept women with children under 18 years because they then wouldn't be able to commit to the activities (which is fair enough!) so I can't join it yet.

OP "I do really like ,y friend btw but it's sometimes a little,one sided , I've been really ill and have asked if she could fetch me a pint of milk on way home , got a sorry mate not going to shops "

But she asks you to do stuff? That's dreadful.

Have a restful evening but then think about boundaries with her.

The coffee date guy would give me major ick too with those messages! And your friend sounds like a flake.

I have a fear as no wrinkles yet so if they all come at once ....

Bernard, you sound amazing. If we lived near each other, I would be delighted to have a girl's night out with someone with your approach to life. I am very unwell but there is always time for good friends, and getting out there to live a bit of life. You are correct that mid-life single men are creepy and tiresome on the whole. Your friend is talking about her amazing 'sex life' a bit much isn't she? Maybe that is because it really isn't that great and she needs to kid herself, kid her friends etc. I haven't met many people who brag about their sex life who were very happy, and the fact she tries to court your envy is very telling. She has already proven herself to be flaky by doing the classic drop the mate at the first whiff of testosterone routine. Just back away with your head held high. I am not suggesting it is easy being single at our age, but it has to be better than stuck with one of womankind's throwbacks into the sea (often with good reason). Hope you feel better soon.

Sounds like she's a friend of convenience - happy to see you when it suits her, but isn't going to step up when it doesn't. Her comment was thoughtless but probably more hurtful because you are missing her company a bit now she's all loved up.

The guy messaging licking dog pics - ewwww. Sounds grim!!! Make sure you have a quick getaway planned if you do meet him.

Personally I'd go out and join some clubs or take up a new class or hobby. Make some new friends and see who you meet.

Ive never resented helping anyone . I do draw the line at times (friend tried to get me to take her sick dd once as I was working from home and I said no )

I'm not resentful of her seeing someone and I think it's nice for her , it just highlights I'm the only one in our circle now whose single so like social meet-ups while not awkward, are all couples and I do sometimes feel like a third leg . Everyone is lovely though and I'm quite sociable so I enjoy the stuff we do .

I do have a tendency to become a hermit at times so I'm pushing myself . I've had to let some hobbies slide for now as I lost sight in one eye and other other physical symptoms prevented me from being as active as I was .

Coffee date this week and exit
Plan planned for execution if required! 😂

Thanks scooby that's kind . You been on the dating Middle Aged men merry go round too ?

It's a bit grim isn't it . It's not like many are chivalrous either but it has got me out I suppose . I just need a break . So I'm taking one . One great thing about living alone is there is no one else to please so if I want a pj day I can !

I would drop husky weirdo and your so called friend. Not because of what she said, but because she is such a poor friend to you.

Join meet up for new friends, the gym, hobbies and build a life of more authentic people. I would start having adventures away from the social circle as well as enjoying group activities.

Seriously don't bother with the coffee

The ick is strong with the husky licker.

Friend doesn’t sound very nice either.

You sound lovely though.

The ick is around 110%

Also the text speak . Took me ages to decipher wuu2.

I am also struggling with wuu2 - what does it mean? I am old enough to use normal English when texting, anything else would really put me off

What you up too . Took me ages . I'm now wondering if all his typos are text speak 😂

I just though he was illiterate or something.