Just after a bit of advice for my daughter, about a situation that has come up with one of her friends, which has upset her.
Im not actively involved, I dont meddle in her stuff, but I said I would ask here, because the ladies on here have good solid advice, and because as a family we have high levels of ADHD / ASD which sometimes confuses the boundaries and the normalness, and where we should comment or where we should back off.
My daughter has a friend, probably one of a small core group of 'best friends' - two girls, 2 boys, who have been really close for about 7-8 years, from around age 15 to now. They are in early 20s, kept in touch and maintained the close friendship bond through uni / lifes ups and downs at that age / different partners coming and going, etc. Speak regularly and meet up regularly too - either on one to ones or part of a smaller or wider group. Theyve generally got on OK with each others partners, and none of them have ever had a relationship with each other. Definately some ASD traits across the group, which may explain the ease of male/female relationships. Iver the years each of them have stayed here a ton of times, and are a group of really nice kids.
Its coming up to my daughter's birthday, and she traditionally would organise a group to get together - this year its a meal at a restaurant, but quite early in the evening. She hasnt been well so she cant do late nights at the moment, and she really isnt into the clubbing scene now (they did that in the past) so its not a wild time. There is a group of about 8 of them, the majority are not bringing partners, just because its not a big thing, and my daughter just wants her closest group.
The other girl in her tight group now has a new boyfriend of 2 months. And he is 'not letting' her come because one of the group coming is a boy that once, a long time ago, they almost slept together, but it felt wrong, so they didnt. This was way before she got with this guy, and Im not sure how he knows. He is of the belief that men and women cannot be friends, because men only want to sleep with women - that is the only way that they can interact. He has made my daughter's friend block this guy, even though he is part of the wider friendship group. He also didnt let her meet up with one of the closest group members, because despite their friendship spanning nearly a decade, 'it was wierd'.
He has told her that she can go to the meal if this boy doesnt come (who incidentally is head over heels with someone else) or she can not go to the meal if he does go, and that this is a problem for her and my daughter to sort out. And the problem is her own fault for almost getting with this guy in the first place. And there has been threats to dump her if she doesnt do what he says.
She seems to be hankering for the boyfriend to be invited, but firstly, that still doesnt seem as if the boy in question will be 'allowed' to be there, and secondly my daughter feels WTF is this bloke dictating who she can invite, and she doesnt trust him not to either ruin the tone or kick off. The friend has asked whether just the two of them could meet, to which my daughter said 'of course' but thats a seperate issue to the meal problem.
So its quite obvious to everyone (apart from the girl) that there are red flags a flying with this guy. That this level of control is really wrong. He also seems to have a very heavy coke problem, and there have been worrying SM posts about babies. This is a bright girl though, in a Russel group uni doing a very prestigious medical degree. But with increasingly dodgy boyfriends.
So advice for my daughter in how to handle this. What she should say. Whether she should advise her friend. The wider group are worried about her, and where it might lead.