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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me to explain to new man that he is being ' too much'

47 replies

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 07:50

Long story short but am back with ex after a year. We broke up for practical reasons as we couldn't sustain a relationship geographically and otherwise at the time.
I'm delighted we're back but he is very what seems to be ' grateful' and won't stop going on and on about ur how happy he is etc. I am also happy but not grateful or overly emotional about it.
Please give me advice on what to say in a kind way in order for him to stop this regular conversation and just to get on and enjoy the excitement of this rekindled relationship.
I can't seem to put together words to explain myself without being mean and cutting. But it's too much for me. Thanks

OP posts:
whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 10:07

@beastlyslumber I can see how it would appear like that but no, he isn't love bombing me. He's just overly happy and excited that we have this second chance having been so sad for so long. We both were but I grieved the relationship differently for loads of different reasons .
He's like a giddy child. I am going to message him this right now so he can take his time and not get upset or defensive. He is a good man and I love him to pieces but it's relentless for
Last few days and now irritating. Some lovely suggestions here which I'm going g to take on board

OP posts:
whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 10:08

I don't cringe at all probably because i adore him but I also accept that he's not perfect and that it's ok to irritate each other at times . I hope that this is the least of our problems!

OP posts:
Pleasenowthatsenough · 26/09/2023 10:13

You have only just got back together but already you are struggling to deal with how he’s behaving and asking for advice on how to deal with it? You are either a massive over thinker or there is something that’s not sitting right with you about him, is what I read.

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 10:16

I'll admit, I'm a massive over thinker yes.

OP posts:
LastHives · 26/09/2023 10:22

and you are going to TEXT him this? Don't you think a conversation would be better?

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 10:28

I'm not going to see him until next week so I was going to text him.

OP posts:
manova366 · 26/09/2023 10:35

This is all via text?
Texts are so easy to ignore!
I'm a fan of using extinguishment principles to change unwanted behaviour. If he's texting you all this stuff, just ignore it, don't respond to it; or, if there's something you need to say to him via text, change the subject.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 26/09/2023 10:46

Goodornot · 26/09/2023 09:23

I wouldn't have gone back if I didn't feel that as there are children involved also but there's no need for this level of emotional vomiting in my view.

that's unnecessarily mean. I don't think you like him much.

I agree.

If it has only been a few days then just give him time.

You sound very impatient.

If he is still doing it after a few weeks, then re-assess.

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 26/09/2023 10:52

Honestly, this sounds doomed. You broke up because of geography — from what you say it was long-distance, and you planned to move closer together, but his work ‘wouldn’t allow this’. Now you’re back together a year later, but still apparently living a long way apart if you’re texting him about how his emotions are irritating you because you won’t see him until next week?

Has anything really changed that will mean the relationship works this time? You also mention children — do you have children together?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/09/2023 10:56

we had plans to move to be nearer to each other but his work wouldn't allow for that so the break up was inevitable.

So... did you just move to be with him instead and now he feels guilty?

Riverlee · 26/09/2023 10:59

I think a conversation in person would be better. I get you want to do it now, while you are feeling confident, but text can be misinterpreted.

Dery · 26/09/2023 11:21

@whitesmoken - definitely not a message to send by text.

One of the reasons people end up in such a mess with their relationship communication is they try to text things which should be said by voice.

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 11:27

Our circumstances changed so we are now in a better position to be together and want to try again

OP posts:
mbonfield · 26/09/2023 11:40

Hi OP Your update at 0955hrs sums up the situation. I would say exactly in that message to him. I think that you are being polite to him.

Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2023 12:25

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 10:28

I'm not going to see him until next week so I was going to text him.

Good grief. It's doomed even more. Adults discuss important issues, they don't send texts.

NextLeft · 26/09/2023 17:50

When I was in a similar situation, I told him that the things he was saying kind of lost their value through constant repetition and that it was more important to me to feel loved through his actions/how we were when we were together than to hear constant words.

I also pointed out (in the early days) that all the praise and 'lovey-ness' actually made me feel a bit uncomfortable, because he didn't know all my flaws yet and I felt like he had an idealised vision of me that I couldn't live up to.

Like someone else suggested, I said that I wanted to focus on one day at a time and how it felt to be together.

I am still with my DP four years later. He is much less prone to gushing these days 😁 (and I am a bit more vocal about how great he is).

I had previously been in a loveless marriage completely lacking in affection for a long time. I'm not particularly effusive myself either, so I just felt completely overwhelmed by the constant declarations of love and devotion. I didn't know how to accept them. It was a completely new experience for me.

My DP is a very positive, loving person. And he just wants to show his love. But I think even he would say now that he was feeling quite needy and a bit insecure at the time, and wanted to prompt me into saying the same things back to him. We also talked a bit about different ways of expressing love and trying to do that in ways we're both comfortable with.

Good luck, OP.

RandomForest · 26/09/2023 17:58

Do you think it's because he's not being sincere ?

That this is a forced emotional outpouring that he feels you expect to hear.

Are you worried whatever reasons forced you to split before will rear their ugly head again and he will show his true face again.

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 22:13

No I just hate gushing ! Let's get on with it !
No need for this !

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 26/09/2023 22:23

whitesmoken · 26/09/2023 22:13

No I just hate gushing ! Let's get on with it !
No need for this !

I'd say exactly that, and make a joke of it.

(As an aside, though, I hope he's not trying to nail you in place by emphasizing how important it is to keep things going.)

DragonDoor · 26/09/2023 22:28

Did I pick up correctly that it’s only been a few days since you got back together?

That’s not long at all- so it’s natural for your conversations to be centred around this.

Just because you are ready to ‘ get on with it’ doesn’t mean that things will I carry on where you left off, just as though you hadn’t broken up

It will take a bit of time to re- establish the relationship. Remember a relationship involves two people, one person only doesn’t get to dictate the pace.

Him sharing how he is feeling is a good thing surely?

aurynne · 26/09/2023 23:49

OP, some messages are unnecessarily unkind. I just wanted to say that, to me, you sound like an absolutely lovely person with your head firmly on your shoulders, and that I can see perfectly where you're coming from. It sounds like you used the time you were apart to reflect and grow, and now you're not happy with just jumping back in the water with a splash, you need time to test the waters and see how they feel this time, while he sounds like he had the ability to just move from "we're apart" to "we're in" straight away. It's ok to move at different speeds and want to meet in the middle.

Best of luck for your second try, I hope he realises what an amazing woman he has almost missed out on and respects you more.

whitesmoken · 27/09/2023 10:02

That's such a lovely message, thanks.
What I've done. Is taken your advice on board and ignore a lot of it and answer and respond and send relevant messages and will chat to him next week.

OP posts:
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