I'm a cheat

[lotterharry]

Never did I think I would be on here writting what I'm going to but here goes

Been with my fiancé 15 years and it has been hell. We broke up for a good 5 months and the only reason why I took him back is because he was saying he was suicidal and couldn't cope with out me .

In the time we broke up I had been chatting to this person who I instantly got in with because of shared interest and him just being so different. Kind . Obviously the ex came back and he's like a changed man . I have never seen the kind , caring side and he apologised for everything he put me through . Again I always blamed my self because he made me believe it so him saying that totally shocked me.

Now I feel I'm stuck with someone I don't love because I felt sorry for him and I don't want him to be sad . I can't cope with that . I'm meeting up with some other man which I'm really enjoying . Just talking to someone with out getting shouted at and just being able to be silly or maybe myself which I havnt been able to be in all these years because the ex kept saying he didn't like me that way .

None of them know about the other . I told the other man that he's back living in the house but that's it ! Me and the ex don't have sex and havnt for years . I havnt even kissed this other person but I'm scared it will happen and I don't want to hurt anyone . And I know this is what I'm doing . I really don't know what to do .

You need to break up with your partner.
He won't commit suicide. Yes, he may be unhappy but he will get over it.

Give yourself time on your own before you jump straight into another relationship.

Well you say you can't face hurting your fiancé but you are hurting him by seeing this other bloke behind his back.

You aren't responsible for your fiancé's actions. If he chooses to make a suicidal choice then that's up to him.

But by being honest, transparent, open and by doing the honourable thing, you will make sure you have done nothing wrong. In future.

Just end it with both of them and take time alone go understand why you are so willing to sacrifice your own happiness to stop someone else commit suicide (unlikely he will) and why are you the sort of person who cheats, lies and deceives?

Thankyou so much . I just worry all the time about how he feels . He hasn't got any family because he has fell out with everyone and as much as he has been awful to me I can't imagine him being alone and sad . I hate my head on times . Also this other person I told them exactly how it was last night . I'd never want another relationship again . But it's just how he makes me feel right now .

I know that never lasts. But it feels so nice to be made special

That's the worry about he probably won't commit suicide. He has tried it before unfortunately. I feel so trapped by what I'm doing . And this other person has said his feelings for me . Which obviously made me realise it has to end because I'm hurting two people now but then two days later after him non stop messaging I felt horrible and started talking again . I know I'm the only one to blame for all this but I don't know why I'm doing it . Not so much with the other person but why I can't worry about my ex when he's gone . I don't love him anymore . Never thought that would be possible but I do care .

I can't imagine him being alone and sad

Almost everyone experiences this at times. Many to an extreme. It is not your job to try to prevent this for him. Also, it's not possible.

Finish it and look at your own boundaries. You are not responsible for the happiness of any man, least of all one who treats you badly. Why do you think you are?

It is also not your job, or possible, for you to prevent him attempting suicide.

I appreciate this might be hard but it’s not complicated - you need to break up with your BF. As tough as it is, what’s the alternative? Stay with him forever out of pity? Unfortunately it won’t get easier, bite the bullet and get it done. He’ll move on in time and ultimately be happier being with someone who wants to be with him. Good luck, I know it’s awful

Thankyou ❤️ I think a lot to do with all this is my childhood . Awful up bringing . Violent parents . Always beating each other up and always going back . Then when they eventually finished my mother blamed me saying it was me he couldn't cope with . There's so much more but I would be here all day . Met my ex when I was 15 he was 27 . Had two sons .he controlled my whole life and again I stayed with him . He cheated non stop and was violent . I finally left him and got with my fiancé and it was bad from day one but obviously by this time I felt just so lucky for someone to want to be with me so I put up with everything .

Until I finally went to the doctors and was put on anti depressants . And it has changed my life . I can't let my self go through what I have been through so this is why everything had changed now and he doesn't like it . He used to tell me that if I didn't come off them he would leave me

Rip the plaster off and dump. You've given him enough of your life. Time to seize YOUR happiness! Act quickly before this other guy slips away..

You've been through hell, OP. I'm sorry.

Have a look at the Freedom Program.

I'd be amazed if this cheating guy turns out to be a positive in your life.

You're allowed to not want to be with someone anymore. It's not a crime.

It's how you handle it that matters.

Thankyou very much . Know what your so right . I have seen he can have a 'nutty' side and it has scared me a few times . He's way in to me way too soon and even tho sometimes it makes me feel nice most of the time it does worry me . I will take a look at that book 😊. I have bought one last year that I think is very similar. It's so sad what women do sometimes just because of how hurt we are . I know this is all going to go so wrong further down the line and know I need to just come clean with it all x

You don’t know what to do? Yes you do.

You aren’t a service human for your fiancé. Sadly continuing that relationship will only lead to regret. His “he can’t cope without you” doesn’t cut it, he has to, and if it takes professional intervention then so be it.

The fiancé is a dead end for both of you. Time to set yourself free so you can have/not have a relationship with the other one.

❤️

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard life. This all makes for desperately sad reading.

You don't know what it's like to be loved. You think all this agonising chaos is the best you can hope for, better than nothing. It's not!

Please leave both of them and learn to be kind and loving towards yourself, so that you eventually begin to feel safe. Think of yourself like a plant that must be given the right conditions to grow and flourish. At the moment you are in a draughty dark corner with no water.

He's unlikely to successfully kill himself, but if he does, it's not your fault: it just means he can't handle life, and there's nothing you can do about that except put yourself at his disposal as the punchbag for his frustrations.

You deserve your own life and happiness, and no one else can give it to you: you have to grope your way towards it in the dark. You will get there! But not if you keep filling the gaps with blokes who mess things up for you. Try to fill the gaps instead with things that you enjoy doing, alone. (Finding out what you enjoy doing might take a while, if your attention has always been anxiously fixed on others.)

I was like you for many, many years. I promise you can be happy one day, but the answer is not in either of the directions you're currently facing. Good luck! 💓

I don't see you like a cheat. You started something when you were apart.
Agree with PP you can't stay with your partner if you don't love him. Agree as well with taking some time for yourself and take the things slow.

It's an online course: freedomprogramme.co.uk/

When you say "come clean" you don't mean tell your fiancé about the other guy do you?

❤️

Thankyou ❤️ it's crazy but not my partner but the other man . He's a lovely person and wears his heart in his sleeve which I'm not used too . He said last night he doesn't want to get hurt and that's exactly what I'm doing to him by lying .

You also said the other guy has scared you at times. I'd be very wary of being honest with. Just end it: clean break, block. Keep your own emotional safety as your priority.

He attempted suicide before - what happened exactly?

Given he's very much alive, it sounds more like an attention seeking and manipulative thing.

How come he was ok/how come he was found before he was too far gone. Most people who are serious about suicide do it in a way where they're not found in time etc

You need to get rid of him and if he threatens suicide, cal the police to do a welfare check on him. Repeatedly if necessary. Hd might get sick of the cops turning up at his door, instead of the desired result of getting you where he wants you.

Also, even if he ever were to - it's not your responsibility.

I know of two men who did this and a third who drank himself to death over a relatively short period.

Two were cheaters, two left a trail of exes and kids in their wake, I don't know enough about them to know how abuisive they were, but the cheating was certainly a form of abuse and I doubt their behaviour was great at home.

The third, dunno if he ever cheated but he was physically, emotionally, verbally etc abusive to his wife and DD for years.
He kept and then had their heathy family dog put down to hurt them. He blamed his DV victim ex wife for everything and set himself up as the actual victim. As I said he eventually drank himself to death over a year at the most.

What they all had in common is that they were disordered, unstable, abusive messes. Women are not responsible for men like that. They'll do what they do. Women are not responsible for staying as their punchbags, support humans etc.