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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hand hold please

9 replies

MariaL40 · 25/09/2023 21:23

I think I’m in an abusive relationship. I say think because I have difficulty accepting it. I don’t want to believe that the person I’ve spent 23 years with could be charming one minute and awful the next.
Latest episode was on Saturday I asked if he could move his car so I could get my car out and go the shop. He point blank refused and told me I’d have to wait 1 hour as that would be when he was leaving. He was ranting and raving for 15 mi utes but I didn’t back down (I was shaking inside and as white as a sheet) I told him he had no right telling me when I could and couldn’t leave the house.
He ended up kicking the coffee table and said he’d move the car as he’d end up doing something he shouldn’t!
Previous examples are he’s hit me in the back while in bed during a heated discussion on 2 occasions.
He’s thrown water over me during an argument.
Hz can be very critical of me and can be derogatory about me in front of the children.
a few months ago he said he’d start helping around the house when I mentioned this the other day he said I don’t make him want to help !
He got annoyed last week because he couldn’t find socks and he slammed or threw the box on the floor and broke part of it.

As I’m writing this I can’t quite believe this is the same person who can be so kind and charming.
It’s like I need to understand why he’s like this ? He never apologises it’s all brushed under the carpet ! I have an appointment with women’s aid tomorrow.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 25/09/2023 21:24

Well done on getting an appointment. We are here for you

MariaL40 · 25/09/2023 21:25

Thank you

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 25/09/2023 21:28

I work at womens aid, you've done the right thing xx ♥️

beastlyslumber · 25/09/2023 21:28

Well done on taking these steps.

Yes, he is abusive. Abusers can also be charming, kind, lovely - or they'd never get you to be with them or stay with them. It's the cycle of abuse - he's cruel and abusive and then reels you back in with 'love'. But of course you are slowly being diminished, degraded and losing your sense of reality and your self.

You're brave to start seeing this for what it is and taking steps to free yourself. Be careful - his violence may escalate if he senses that you are thinking of leaving.

Cluedup81 · 25/09/2023 21:30

You definitely are in an abusive relationship and I completely understand you when you say it’s hard to accept because I’ve been there. Well done to you for taking the step to get in touch with Women’s Aid - I wish you all the strength and courage to get through this 👊🏻👏🏻

Epidote · 25/09/2023 21:41

Glad to hear that you are seeking help. Yes, he abusive, but you know that already.

Stay strong, don't look back and keep yourself safe and sound.

Epidote · 25/09/2023 21:41

Glad to hear that you are seeking help. Yes, he abusive, but you know that already.

Stay strong, don't look back and keep yourself safe and sound.

EdithStourton · 25/09/2023 21:43

As I’m writing this I can’t quite believe this is the same person who can be so kind and charming.
That's exactly how they do it, OP. They want you to think that the 'real person' is the nice one, and the angry, vindictive and violent a-hole is just a reasonable response to your 'failings' and 'demands'.

I hope your Women's Aid appointment goes well. Getting your children out is also important: I know from experience, having grown up with a father who was very keen on coercive control, the impact an abusive relationship can have on the children.

Blueeyedmale · 25/09/2023 21:45

Well done op its abusive 100 per cent you have done the right thing won't say anymore as in my opinion this is a woman supporting women thread but good luck for the future

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