Why am I single? Suggestions please!

[TreePineapple]

Evening everyone

I’ve almost always been single and I’m starting to wonder if it’s something I’m doing wrong. I am 32 and I have had two relationships of just under one year each. Both ended because the guy just didn’t see it getting any more serious. No big arguments or anything like that.

I’m after genuine suggestions of why someone who is pretty normal, relatively attractive and by all means just your average sort of person would struggle this much.

I date a fair bit but it never goes anywhere. I am nervous approaching guys in real life and have never really been someone who meets men on nights out. I enjoy online dating.

I have pushed myself to date some guys for longer than I should because I want to give them a chance even if I don’t feel the initial spark. In general, I tend to go on a few dates with each guy and have a perfectly fine time but then it just doesn’t progress. I have had a few sad situations where I knew I liked someone and they didn’t want to pursue it, and vice versa.

I’m doing a bit of soul searching really and would like to hear a range of suggestions about why you think someone might be in this situation. I want to push myself and maybe look at things through fresh eyes. I must be doing something wrong as it has been ages!

Why do you think someone might have made it to 32 never having had a serious relationship? Appreciate I’ve not given a great deal of info but would appreciate any and every suggestion.

You sound like a person with expectations and boundaries. Those are good principles to lead your life by. Unfortunately, some people don't have those and settle for lousy relationships and other arrangements as an alternative to their apparent fear of single life. Half the population is single. There is nothing wrong with being single. Being single is better than being with someone who is unsuitable. People who are happy by themselves are very attractive in my opinion, and the co-dependent needy types who need someone else to hold them up in life are best avoided. It is lovely if you meet someone who you just click with, and that may well happen to you. I do reckon it is harder to find lasting relationships these days for a variety of reasons. However, stop being hard on yourself or questioning why you are single. That is my advice anyway. Be happy in yourself and then someone may come along who makes a great partner. But don't think there is anything wrong with you for not having found that person yet, as you have plenty of time. I would stop looking into what you feel you must be doing wrong, and just enjoy your life. Find new interests or hobbies and you may meet someone special that way.

Well, I find myself newly single and fully expect to be in your situation if I ever start dating again (never used to have a problem but I think dating has just gotten harder and harder over the past couple of decades).

Time is also not on my side so doubt I'll ever have a relationship again.

What do you think it is OP?

Do your close friends or family have any insight?

Hard for us to say because we don’t know you!

In general, I tend to go on a few dates with each guy and have a perfectly fine time but then it just doesn’t progress

This is a good and healthy thing. You recognise when it's not progressing after a few dates, you recognise incompatibility, you recognise when you don't actually want to go out with this person, and you end it. Way too many people are too caught up in the idea of being in a relationship that they overlook all of that, get married and even have kids with men they don't like that much (or who are walking red flags) and that's how you get into awful relationships.

The reason you're single is because there aren't that many people out there you're really, genuinely 100% compatible with, and both at the life stage where you want a partner. I was much like you til I was 30, default single and pretty happy with it. Went on dates here and there, had a few flings and FWBs that I knew wouldn't go anywhere, but I just didn't meet anyone I could actually see myself in a relationship with. Until I did, which felt mostly like happenstance.

To be clear I don't believe in "The One" or any such romantic bollocks, I just think total compatibility is highly specific, quite rare but essential.

The overwhelming reason would be that you have not met anyone nice enough.

It might be that online dating doesn't really suit you. By all means continue with it. Alongside that, how many men do you meet in the course of a day, week month or year.

It's very old fashioned advice for now a days, but dating never worked for me. I need to get to know what sort of person someone is before I can open up enough to even consider them in 'that way'.

Hope you find the right person.

I’m scared to ask my close friends and family. I think I’d find their views quite upsetting! It’s very personal and I do think sometimes people answer with what they don’t like about you as a person, if that makes sense.

My gut feeling is it’s just down to luck. However, when I’m feeling low I wonder if I am not kind or fun or impressive enough. Especially now I’m older, I worry I’m sort of emotionally and socially stunted. I also could put myself out there more socially I suppose, but I’d never want to impose myself on someone or seem desperate.

I sometimes see how friendly my friends are to people and how it goes down well. But I swear I try the same things and people just sort of dismiss me if I try to be familiar in that way. I think being a bit reserved is just more me maybe!

I think you should ask your friends and family. They might give you some more insight.

you seem very hard on yourself. Hope you’re not feeling too low and are taking care of yourself

You are who you are and that's OK. People don't get into relationships because they're all so incredibly kind, fun and impressive - they get into relationships because, hopefully, they find someone they click with. Someone their level of kind/fun/impressive is exactly right for.

I can be quite reserved and a bit of a "cold fish" emotionally too. It would've done me no good to try to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Are these dates not progressing because they don't want it to or you?

Ask people how you come across.

Do you have any interests, hobbies, fascinations.

You could be attractive but as dull as dishwater?

Are you fussy, have high expectations or standards?

What kind of a person do you think you come across as?

You can't win them all. Online dating is a numbs game, you'll have to meet a lot of frogs possibly.

It may just be you haven't found the right person yet and there's nothing wrong with you. I very much doubt there's something about you that's preventing something.

I'm reserved, although a guy and I've always struggled socially to mix or connect with people like others can but that in itself I kinda feel like it's harder to meet people or at least show you're interested.

Anyway, you're still young and just because others have been in long term relationships doesn't mean they are good. In my experience anyway I thought it was good back in my twenties and actually it's nearly destroyed me. If I knew what I know now...I didn't know shit in my twenties.

My friends asked me this once (I was married, they weren’t dating, for some reason this makes people think I have a clue!), my reasons are always that they just haven’t met someone they clicked enough with, or they’re not willing to be with someone just to be with someone. All the etiquette and the rules and everything that people seem to think are out there- I don’t believe in any of it. It’s just luck really x

First of all, don't think there is "anything wrong with you". I think it is really hard in modern times. Despite all of the tech that should make it easier, I am not convinced it does. In the old days you went to a place where there were lots of other people. The place might have been work, or uni, a hobby or even a pub and you met lots of other people, and you became friends with them, they then might have introduced you to even more people who you got to know as friends too. You had things in common with some more than others, and eventually you started doing more things together with one friend "as friends", you got to know them better, and then, after a while, you or they may have made a move to become "more than friends". It took time, but you did know the person well before you threw your cards on the table, and even then, there was the risk that you could be re-buffed. It seems so hard today - although the circle has widened to "everyone seeking a relationship in a geographical area" due to dating apps, and if we trusted in the science (and neither parties lying) then it might seem that more perfect matches could be made, but I am not sure it is the case. I can't really offer any advice other than do things that put you in place where you meet many, not few, with no expectation other than friendship (it does not always have to be F2F). And there will be someone out there for you. There is someone for everyone who wants it to be so. Best xx

Meeting the right person, widening your social circle, going to networking events, debates, anything where you can mingle? Join a running club, climbing sessions? Volunteer at ATC?

To get to know someone f2f before a romantic situation? Aim to go out at least twice a week to something or with a friend to something.

If you don't meet anyone at least you'll be busy, know personally lots of nice people etc.

Perhaps you are looking for the wrong things in a partner. My two criteria was. Someone kind and who could make me laugh.

Were

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Just not enough of an emotional connection with the people you’ve met so far. I’ve met lots of people of your age or older who’ve never had long term relationships. Doesn’t indicate any defiency within them.

DH said I am perfect for him because I am like a bloke with boobs.

We laugh together and I suppose I do that sort of banter that blokes indulge in that MN hates. Obviously if it’s just cruel I also disapprove. We met when working in an engineering dept at a University and fell in love during works cricket matches, he was playing and I was keeping score. I played once as they were short and he took the piss out of how I held the bat as I held it like a hockey player. I remember describing how a V2 rocket worked on a date to the Imperial War museum when we were first dating and impressing him and visiting Bosworth battlefield and discussing cannonballs. That’s what you need someone who has the same interests. We have lots of joint hobbies.

What do you like, what can you talk about, what skill set do you have?

You need a couple of interests/hobbies that you feel passionate about - something that suggests there's some fire in you, that in your life you're not just going through the motions.

And being warm and kind - with healthy self-esteem.

No offence to the OP but everyone is saying it's normal, there's nothing wrong with you.

Maybe there is. Maybe your giving off certain vibes, maybe you are not interesting, maybe you just talk about yourself. Who knows, none of us here know you.

As to my previous question. If all these dates decide not to take it further maybe looking inwards is an idea.

I was told by the latest girl I am dating I came across as arrogant on messages and in my profile. That put her off but we met and I'm not.

How do you think you come across on a date?

I'm a bit of an 'acquired taste'. I'm kind and loyal and all that but I'm also a bit acerbic and lazy. I appear to be 'cute' and come across as a bit ditzy (apparently) but I'm actually very intelligent, don't suffer fools gladly and men don't expect women who look like me to sit in pubs alone drinking real ale (also apparently) etc. I had no desire to change so was prepared to for the man who was right for me.

It took me until I was 46 to meet someone I genuinely clicked with because it took me a long time to realise i wasnt doing anything wrong.

My reason for telling you the above is that I think you need to he honest with yourself. Not in a 'change yourself' kind of way but in order to understand yourself and who/what you are actually looking for. Once you understand yourself, you will stop wondering what you are doing wrong and be more aware of what you want in others.

The advice about hobbies and interests is good. It doesn't really matter what they are, people like people who are passionate and have things to talk about.

Whilst I agree with this in part, those 'vibes' won't be perceived as negative by the right person.

One of my friends (late 50s) has been single for a long time and not for the want of trying. He's lovely (as a friend) but I can see why a lot of women have been put off by him. Anyway, he's been seeing someone for a few months who is utterly smitten. He hasn't changed. They just clicked.

I don't believe family and close friends would say negative things about you. Why don't you ask them what's good about you instead? You'll probably be surprised by how many things they list and how appreciated and admired you are. Sounds like you need a confidence boost. It's attractive when people emit a balance of confidence and self awareness.