Can’t stop thinking about crush from years ago

[Poopertrooper]

I have been married for 8 years. Shortly after my wedding I became friendly with a guy I worked with. Our work was very social so we spent a lot of time together.

It became clear quite quickly after marriage my husband was very much wanting to ‘bed in’ and didn’t want to socialise much - he’s a very stable and loving man but his idea of a good night has always been a movie and a cup of tea.

To cut a very long story short the guy at work was a complete gentleman although I won’t go into details he put his neck out for me quite a bit at work. We both admitted we had feelings for each other and kissed after a boozy night. I’d not long been married and the guilt was horrendous so I of course told him nothing more could happen.

He told friends/colleagues he thought he was in love with me at the time (though why they told me this I’ve no idea) and it became very complicated although nothing more happened. I settled into my marriage and left around a year later to have a baby.

Fast forward 7 years and I have two children and a mundane marriage. My husband is ‘safe’ and I know many women would kill for a man like him over someone who spends their life in the pub. However his job takes over his life and I’m expected to do everything for the kids. I know he loves me, very much. He shows me with gifts but doesn’t show me with adventure or actually looking out for me (an example is I was sick a few times one morning and told him and his response was ‘well I can’t look after the kids as I have work’ in a grumpy voice). Another is I had a traumatic emergency c section with our second and asked him for a cup of tea and he kicked off as he’d ‘just sat down’.

i haven’t stopped thinking about the guy from work in all these years - some times it’ll be months without thinking of him and other times I can’t get him out of my head and dream about him. I feel I’ve clearly romanticised an unsuitable situation in my mind - other than working on my marriage (we’re looking into counselling) how on earth do I give my head a wobble about a guy I haven’t even seen for 7 years?!

to add before anyone questions - I have a full time job working from home, but have to do all school and nursery runs, dinners etc.

I think it sounds more like you're unhappy in your marriage than you realistically miss the guy from 7 years ago - he's just a convenient fantasy.

I think you do seem unhappy though. Also saying most women would kill for a man like your DH who doesn't help with childcare isn't necessarily true. My DH does 50/50 childcare, we even split nights with our newborn (we both work) and he does slightly more housework than me. There are men like that out there!!!

Are you happy with your DH?

It's really not about the guy, it's you and your stale marriage. You are bored. Its all mundane and unexciting. You could talk to him and hopefully agree on regular dates where you can go off as a couple and do somrthing more and really both try as you've 2 kids but if he can't or won't compromise on going out more then either accept it and have adventures on your own or with friends and by that I DO NOT mean cheating I mean abseiling, hiking, climbing, going to a gig..etc.
Or separate if you want a partner to do this with and he won't change his ways to a Compromise with you then it's a matter of time when you'll cheat again.

BTW most parent couples aren't living an adventurous life, family life is boring 80% of the time because all the boring crap you need to do for yourself you now also do it for at least 2 extra people so most of your time you are doing chores and compromising on meals, on alone time, on time spent watching what you like doing what you like, spending weekends doing boring shift like playgrounds and kids cinema ... I suppose make sure you know what you actually want and if your expectations are realistic because this is how it is for most people. A life of drudgery, work, cleaning, boring stuff and once a week or twice if lucky something nice just for you.
And you have to keep working on romance and your relationship, but most people are too stressed and tired they just sleep walk through life.
If you decide to stay and do nothing about it and not accept and appreciate him you will soon find another temptation who is equally bored and fishing around. But you have kids with your husband if you cheat on him it will come out and it will hurt your kids cos their dad's pain is theirs too. They don't want you to be in pain either so that's why as a responsible adult you need to work on things with him, accept or leave the marriage respectfully. But make sure you know what you are trading up for and whether it's a realistic expectations. The offers and options you had years ago pre children are different now. Good luck,sincerely.

@MsCactus i don’t think I am 😔 before we got married our relationship was full of passion and adventure and it’s almost like the minute we got married he became middle aged 😂 and he has definitely got more and more selfish over the years but because it’s been quite a slow process I feel like I’ve just stumbled into this situation. He’s a loving father and is very loving to me (although I don’t often reciprocate but I am also going through perimenopause!) but I am just not sure I can go on this way for the next possible 4 decades!

@SofiaBrownEyes much appreciated 🙏🏻 completely agree with everything you’ve said which is why I want to try counselling before throwing in the towel.

Your DH doesn't sound loving from the examples you gave, he sounds selfish and it seems like you're doing more than your fair share considering you also work. That would make me resentful. Don't gaslight yourself about it, you have a right to feel unhappy with this status quo and it's no wonder you're wistfully dwelling on memories of this other man. Hopefully marriage counselling with help with getting your needs met (more excitement and support). It's good he's agreed to go.

I agree with this post, OP.

Another is I had a traumatic emergency c section with our second and asked him for a cup of tea and he kicked off as he’d ‘just sat down’.

This ^^ in particular made me sad for you.

I hope you're able to arrange a happier future for yourself. 🌹

By the way
Your husband is cheating on you
He has the hots for this women at work
She drives him crazy
He is drop dead georgous
And she makes him feel alive and gives him a purpose each morning knowing he will see her
They just gel so well
Once at work they made out...he wanted to go all the way but remember his wife and guilt was eating at him.
That was a few years ago.
His wife is wonderful but life is so blah at dry and grey.
They discuss chores and parenting and bills and interest rates. Nothing to light the fire in him.
He feels depressed.
Before he sleeps he imagines life with the other women. Her body on his and putting his hand through her brunette hair ...
He falls asleep to this each night whilst you hug him.

Wake up love.
You know it's the honeymoon period you are thinking of.
One year later, let's say
You get together
Kids are now split 50/50
Kids know you wanted the divorce so treat you different
You move in with the work guy
He farts, burps, itches his bum, and plays with his belly button in bed.
He then starts saying that the house is noisy when kids are over.
He then gets stroppy each time you talk about your kids.
He gets annoyed your kids haven't put the spoon away in the right place.
He gets fed up of this and the excitement of having the hots for someone has gone.
But the newly married girl who started. Oh my. What a figure she has. She was a part time model and they hit it off.
He lies in bed with you each night fantasizing about her.

You sound lovely and I assume it's life that makjng you fanatasize.
Each time you think of him, imagine your husband kissing a younger hotter model at work and thinking about her each night. And think of your work colleagues having a really loud stinky dump on the loo

Please don't destroy a relationship that is not broken.

And fyi

The guy sounds awful. Flirting with a married woman.