Where do you think this relationship is going?

[truthdigger]

When I was younger I always used to write a diary. Today during a clearout I found a diary from 2012, detailing my relationship. We were long-distance at the time and I thought I’d post a few of the entries from 2012 and see what advice MN would have given me if I’d posted at the time?? 11 years on, do you think we’re still together?

P.s If I'm sound emotionally immature, it's because I was!

TLDR: Diary of my relationship and feeling sure about his feelings for me

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Feb 15, 2012

Landed this morning in California and couldn’t believe it but he’d arranged for flowers to be left in the hotel room. I really miss him, wish I didn’t have to be here (work trip). Is it normal to miss him this much after only 5.5 months together especially I don’t really know how he feels? I like (love?) him a lot, he makes me laugh, always planning surprises but sometimes it’s like there’s no emotional connection? Like he’s not needing to see/hear from me? Like not much desire? But then he does something incredibly thoughtful and I think it’s me, expecting too much from a new relationship? Maybe it’s just how he expresses himself? Maybe I’m just too needy?

Feb 24
Sat at airport for next leg of trip. Messaged him on Fb to say I was missing him. He replied to say he couldn’t wait to hear all about my trip. I asked if we could chat on the phone when I landed in FL but he didn’t reply. After I landed, put phone back on and really hoped he’d replied but nothing. I don’t understand him. When I’m with him it feels so great but when I’m not there it’s like he doesn’t know how to communicate at all. Is this normal? Is he just really bad at speaking on the phone/texting? Starting to feel like a part time girlfriend?

March 11 2012
Had an amazing weekend together with his family but as I was preparing to come home, he seemed to sort of shut down and distanced himself. I just let him have his space but even as he drove me to the train station there was this weird tension in the air. I said nothing as he was obviously in a bad mood.He kissed me goodbye but it’s like he wasn’t really present. L says this is because he doesn’t like goodbyes so he disengages. No idea what’s wrong! I just figured no point in trying to poke it out of him.

March 21
Not heard from him all weekend. Sent me a text on Friday and said he’d ring in the morning but didn’t. I finally rang him this afternoon but he didn’t answer his phone. Later he texted me as though he’d not seen the phone call, said he missed me and when could he see me? Had brief chat on the phone but when I suggested doing something next weekend he shut down again and said he wasn’t sure as he might have something on with the family. Feel sad. One minute he’s really engaged and the next he’s not. Am I overthinking it?

March 27
I am so, so pleased! Got chatting to B today (who’s known him for years). He was telling her randomly how much he likes me, how we’re ‘best mates’ as well as gf/bf and he loves that there’s no pressure and it can just happen organically. He also told B that he loves spending time with me and missed me when I was away but it was good to have that space to think too. It’s all moved quite fast he said? Admitted he struggles to communicate! But then he doesn’t struggle to communicate with B? Hhmm! I’m happy though. Maybe it’s just how he is?

April 13th
Feel like I’m existing on crumbs. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to be in touch and that if I didn’t send the odd prompt that I’d never hear from him? Why is he so bad at communicating with me? But seems to be always communicating with his friends on his phone? He casually mentioned the other day that he’d like me to consider moving there? I nearly fell off my seat in surprise as I didn’t think he felt anything that strongly. I said to him ‘I genuinely don’t know how you feel about me, so I’d struggle to make such a big move when we don’t really communicate’. His eyes got a bit teared up and he said ‘I really do have feelings for you’. But then he changed the subject. I am no further forward really.

June 8
No further forward really. Seen each other 3 or 4 times but that’s because the travel is so expensive. As soon as we see each other it’s like there’s this massive relief and excitement to just be with each other. He isn’t saying anything about how he feels but last weekend he’d bought these cheesy his and hers slippers. He’d reserved us dinner at R’s and we had such a lovely night - really romantic and afterwards…hhhmmm.

June 26
Had a really good chat and he opened up a bit. Said he thought things were going really well between us. He said he’d never been in a relationship like this before where we were mates as well as ‘together’ but he was enjoying the journey. Been nearly 9 months and he wanted me to know he was serious about us but the thought of marriage terrified him and it would be a long time before he could think about that. I’d not even brought it up (that seems way too soon) so not sure why he did. But at least he’s talking about his feelings.

So did you marry him?!

You split up (cause he didn't talk about his feelings enough) you got back together, got married, mid sized wedding with 60 guests, mortgage, 2 kids, a dog, 2 goldfish & a gerbil.

Arh sorry just seen your question do you think we are still together?
Hmmm I desperately want to say yes but maybe the distance was too much and the fact than he had classic male can't communicate issues 🤣

Love this!
He sounds like hard hard work. I’d absolutely say that he’s crumbing you and it’ll go no where.

Can’t wait for the answer.

Leave. He's giving mixed messages and causing too much anguish - that's the advice I'd have given you.

I do hope you did leave.

I reckon you're still together, and still sometimes feel like you're being breadcrumbed. I would have advised you to leave.

If that wasn't the case, I see no reason that you'd be posting today. You've put up with it for years, and today you're really pissed off to see that it's always been the same.

I'm saying no, you are not together. One day he just faded away, and after a few months of pining you met someone else, someone who made it feel easy.

Definitely wanting to know the ending of this!!

I would like to think you spilt up actually because I don't see a happy ending coming from that, but I suspect you have it a good try anyway and are considering splitting now

I'm saying you are still together but he's jekyll and Hyde

You stayed together for 2 more years while he painfully continued this push and pull routine. You kept hoping, and he'd give you hope, maybe you even got engaged, but then he shut down again.

He tortured you emotionally and you felt like you were going insane.

Eventaully you finished it but were broken.

But to your surprise you met a nice man quickly who was good to you, open and emotionally available and you realised how it's supposed to be.
You got married aftre 2 years and now have 2 small children, and you are very happy.

It could have gone either way obviously. I'm intrigued.

Not together any more.

My advice would be at the time is to get out, move on and find someone closer to home who genuinely understands you and you both want the same things.

Oh interesting one OP

I don't think you're still together, I think you wanted more than he could/was willing to give at the time and he was scared of commitment so he pushed you away instead.

I would have advised you to have a proper conversation with him and explain how you felt about lack of communication etc and then give it another chance and see if he was able to meet your (not unreasonable!) needs for decent communication and if he wasn't even though you'd explained how it made you feel then to end it.

I'm going for a good plot twist saying that he after a few more months discovered that was gay.
Years on he is Australia with his husband who works in a top work in mining and you are the godmother of their twins.

First of all I was thinking that he is testing you and being a bit of a narc eg trying to make you think of him when he wasn't about but when he IS about he plays it cool. The not calling you when you landed after a flight happened exactly to me and the culprit said he was deliberately not calling me to test me.
On the other hand not knowing his age or background then it could be something completely different. I will go with the first one and that this ended eventually.

Ah, was really interesting to read the replies!

In short, we limped on like that for another 18 months, sometimes it was completely brilliant and then it'd be swiftly followed up with him shutting down.

Long story short, turned out he was bi and throughout the whole relationship he was having emotional affairs (he swore none of them were physical but who knows?) with numerous men. Once I knew, everything just suddenly made sense. I think he would get close, feel guilty and then back off and then on and off like that. Needless to say, thanks to all the lies he'd told me, there was no future to be had.

I was a bit of a head case for about 6 months as I tried to process it all, but looking back now, so thankful I found out and more importantly, got out!

It seems that the majority of MNers here would have given me the right advice. 😊

Come on OP! Spill!

This bit (re: you having sex with him): ‘hhhmmm’ Is the same sound a pub singer makes as he takes to the mic

Ha, yep! I can only blame the cheezy version of myself 11 years ago 😂😂

Wow, epidote's plot twist was nearly there!

I know! Just a shame there's no adorable Australian twins. 😂

@truthdigger what was the next chapter of you love life after him?

Yes, what became of you? I'm invested now