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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH refusing to have therapy or even talk about it

18 replies

Untenable · 25/09/2023 15:11

Dh has always had a bad temper, his outbursts are upsetting and scary - typically they involve things to do with driving (hsi big trigger) when - if - say we miss a turning at a roundabout he completely loses the plot. It's toxic to be around for me and dc and impacts him in he has severe neck pain, which leaves him bedridden twice a month or so. This is clearly psychosomatic - every physical cause has been ruled out. If we tell him he needs help (and dc1 and I do frequently) he loses it and says we just blame him for everything. He was carted off to boarding school at a ridiculously young age, which he admits affected him terribly, his father (and gf too) apparently also had a terrible temper when younger but this is seen in the family as 'But now dad's mellowed.' Not good enough.

Dc1 has just gone to uni. DC2 is 16 and basically having a nervous breakdown, I'm seeking help for her. She is the one most affected by her father's moods. I have been saying to dh for years he needs anger management or therapy, he agrees but never does anything about it. He and I are very stressed about dc2 right now and he has frequent outbursts - he's trying not to have them in front of her but he does, and when he gets angry with me it's horrible. For example, today I heard some disturbing news relating to dc2 went to tell him (he's wfh) only to get snarled at that I'd interrupted him when he was paying a bill online and now he'd have to get the OTP again. A normal person would say, oh no now I've missed the OTP, sorry can I just do this and you will have all my attention

Told dh he needs help, dh loses it and - as ever - starts shouting again about why do we blame him. I left the house. I have texted him the numbers of a couple of therapists I've recommended. He says he's too busy to think about it. I'm home now and he came and asked if we were friends. I said only if he had therapy and he stormed off again.

Basically, I would like to ltb but can't when dc2's mental health is already so unstable. He's working outside, I have texted him saying I will come with him to therapy or have it myself but he has to address this. I feel I am going to be stuck under the same roof as him literally not talking to him for years until dc2's very complex mh needs are sorted out. Therapy would help him hugely.

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 25/09/2023 15:14

Do you really think you can't leave because of DC2? Perhaps DC2 would improve without your DHs outbursts. Time to be strong. He goes to therapy or you split up, and mean it.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 25/09/2023 15:14

Or maybe by leaving and not walking on eggshells about her dads behaviour she will have space to heal!

you've left your kids in an abusive household, he knows you won't leave and he has to do nothing to improve.

you have to make steps to leave. Otherwise this is it forever.

IAmColdAndIHaveACold · 25/09/2023 15:15

You can't make him have therapy and getting him to do so when he's not prepared to make changes is pointless- simply attending the sessions isn;t going to fix his problems, he needs to want to change and be willing to work at it.

In your shoes, I would leave. I know it's disruptive for your DC but it sounds as if staying in a household like this is really harming her.

Jackydaytona · 25/09/2023 15:18

Your poor dd :(
Please leave and get her away from this person

Original poster

Untenable · 25/09/2023 15:23

OK, so what do I do?

Pack my bags and just take dd and go and live in a hotel? No family nearby

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/09/2023 15:23

Basically, I would like to ltb but can't when dc2's mental health is already so unstable.

Removing the negativity and walking on eggshells around her father may very be a help to her mental health.

You said yourself "She is the one most affected by her father's moods" - so taking that impact away isn't going to be a complete negative for her.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/09/2023 15:24

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own?

Are you working? Can you afford the deposit on a rental?

Justcallmebebes · 25/09/2023 15:27

I think your DD's mental health may improve significantly if you left

BTW, I too had a v abusive childhood and was sent away to school at 10. On a different continent. I've never had violent outbursts like that. There comes a point when you have to take accountability for your actions, not blame your childhood

IAmColdAndIHaveACold · 25/09/2023 15:29

Do you have your own money in your own account?

gamerchick · 25/09/2023 15:34

You can get defensive all you want. But you should face the fact that your child is probably in this state because of being forced to stay in this kind of life. No you don't just leave, but you find out the score in separating from your husband. Get a plan. Tell him he needs to leave for a bit if you have to.

You need to do something or she might ditch the pair of you as soon as she's able.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/09/2023 15:38

No matter what is causing it, he clearly thinks he has a right to be vebrally aggressive. This is abusive behaviour which, as you can seen has affected your children.

People separate all the time. If you want advice on how to do that you need to provide a bit more about your financial set up. Ultimately you will need a solicitor so start looking for one that specialises in family law (otherwise known as a SHL on mn).

Potiphar · 25/09/2023 15:38

How do you know therapy will be helpful for him?
Therapy isn’t for everyone (as most therapists would attest.)

Trickedbyadoughnut · 25/09/2023 15:41

Your 'D'H is emotionally and verbally abusive, does not want help or to change, and it is unlikely that you will see an end to DC2's mental health breakdown while remaining in this environment.

As others have said, if you can give more details of your financial situation etc., people on here may well be able to give you practical advice on separating.

Original poster

Untenable · 25/09/2023 15:42

I am not being defensive at all, however in this situation I don't need people being aggressive in tone to me, so will leave the thread now.

I'll start another one asking for advice on separation, though first I'll look at old threads

Thank you to those of you who have been supportive

OP posts:

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2023 15:43

Untenable · 25/09/2023 15:23

OK, so what do I do?

Pack my bags and just take dd and go and live in a hotel? No family nearby

It's important to get her away from him and if he won't leave then you and DD have to

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 25/09/2023 15:43

He's the one who needs to leave the family home, not you. His behaviour is having a severe detrimental effect on your dc's mental health. Next time he kicks off, tell him that unless he sorts out his temper then he will have to go and live elsewhere. If he refuses, call the police and have them remove him.

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 16:02

I think if you believe part of the problem your DD is having with her mental health is linked to her father's behaviour, then I'm afraid you do absolutely have to think about what you can do. Unfortunately, while I do believe that anger issues can be dealt with, they can ONLY be dealt with if the person involved is wiling to do the work. And it is very clear that your H is NOT willing to do the work.

I think there are a few concrete steps you probably need to take. Some version of:

Calmly and clearly tell him (perhaps in writing, while you and dd are elsewhere) that if he does not seek help for his anger issues, this relationship is over.
Discuss with your DD's therapist/GP/whoever she is engaging with to support her what the best approach might be, being completely honest about your husband's issues and the impact it has on your DD.
Take a long, hard look at the practicalities in terms of finances, living arrangements etc. I'd be inclined to speak to a solicitor to get some initial advice.

I also think that there's a LOT more to his emotionally abusive behaviour than you have identified here. Taking to his bed twice a month with excessive neck pain (I bet that coincides with when the tough/boring/tedious things need to happen). And I bet there are loads of other examples. Be honest - how much do you, and your DC, adapt your behaviour, preferences, needs to try and prevent him from blowing up?

Fluffypiki · 25/09/2023 16:14

I am sorry you are being "attacked" from both front, your DD mental health and your DH not supporting you and struggling himself.
I will tell you to get him ready though, if your DD goes for counseling (and she will as you look like a caring mum) a lot of stuff will be coming to the surface (speaking from experience) and it is ugly, having your child blaming you for all of her wrongs( right or wrong) is hard but having your partner warning you constantly about an issue and seeing your child suffering because of said issue is soul destroying. I hope you have some nice friends who you can vent to 🙏💐.
When he has calmed down, perhaps you should let him know how you feel and ask him how you can help him as at the moment you are really struggling? I know you said you already told him but now there is your DD to think about and that should matter to him more than his pride.

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