Can anything be done before we divorce ?

[Orchid90]

I am seriously thinking breaking up.

i am devastated because I never ever thought we would end up like this .

me and my partner aren’t married but we have been living together for 10 years.

we have had 2 children , 1 passed away years ago and we have our second one who is now 4.

he would have like another one , I am 300% sure I do not want anymore. We have no help whatsoever. My family is all in another country and he only has his mum 3 hours away .

we can’t afford it , I don’t want another traumatic pregnancy. I don’t want another career break . I’m done . He understands all of this .

he is resentful that I work shifts and nights. I’m a nurse.
last night he came home at 10 pm from visiting his mum over the weekend with our daughter , I didn’t go because I was working days over the weekend 12 h shifts .
he asked me if he could go to the gym this morning , which means him leaving at 6:30 .
I told him I was on night tonight so I basically wanted to sleep , so if he went to work for 9 at least I could catch a bit more sleep .
he asked my why I’m doing a night on Monday ? Why have I booked it ? ( it’s not extra , I have been doing Monday nights since she was 10 months as she is at nursery on Tuesday so I sleep) then he proceed to say I’m rude , he can’t do anything because of my job .
anyway we agreed he wasn’t going . This morning I open my eyes at 6 because obviously I have been waking up at 5 am last few days ..he says : what if I go the gym? Honestly I lost it . Like there is just no respect or appreciation for me .

so anyway I was up , we argued at 6:30 am so he then went to work and I will now be up until 9 am tomorrow . He is meant to work from home in a Monday but 90% of the time he has an excuse to go in , training today . I have missed so many trainings because they happen when my daughter is off nursery …

and so in it goes . 1 example but it’s basically our life .

he works . He had s phd. He is successful . He is planning on earning more and advance . He is amazing . He is the best dad ( he is very good with our daughter, but I take her everywhere and find out activities and plan days out)

I have a crap job , stupid for having chosen it , earn less , no ambition to advance ( it’s difficult because higher bands are always full time and I’m part time , I work banks when I can to make up full time hours) I’m always tired , snappy ..rude or as he says I’m a teenager . He diagnosed me with Asperger , adhd , depression .
its all so sad .

i
am starting to think is all part of a big scheme , that’s he is planned to use me all along to gain his own success . I’m staying behind ..I didn’t think this before but now it’s more and more on my head .

like during his phd he was out of funding for the last year so I was working 4 shift a week to support us both . I saved 75% of deposit for the house . My parents gave us some money to help us both as it all went for the deposit . We have 50/50 though .
like I always thought we were a family a team and not a buisness with shares , but I’m so scared now i have been taken advantage off . He can’t fix a light bulb but it’s very smart in a intellectual way .

i don’t know what to do . What have I Done.

Is your main concern your own ability to financially support yourself and your child if you do break up? If so, you should definitely work full time and go for roles in a higher band. Since you are not married you need to put as much focus on your career as he is with his. Whilst you are still together, make sure you get something in writing to say that you paid a larger percentage of the deposit. You will want that back as some point. A lot of what has happened is just sunken costs, like you supporting him financially when he studied, but you can change your path from today.

If your main concern is that you are not getting along and you would like to change that then I think you need to just work out a plan for what happens when. Let him have a couple of mornings a week and a couple of evenings (or however much he needs) to go to the gym, and make sure you get the same time to yourself. I think a lot of these little irritants can be avoided if there is more of a plan in place so that you both know what you are doing and when. Then, when your relationship is stronger, get married if that is what you want. It will provide you financial equality.

He may not have 'planned' to exploit you for his own benefit, but he is certainly behaving as though is entitled to both your paid and unpaid labour and that your career and wellbeing come second to his needs and his career.

No, that is absolutely not fair. It's also not uncommon and I think there are still many men who have simply grown up in a culture that assumes the burden of parenting and unpaid labour is ultimately the responsibility of a woman and a mother. Some, when they are confronted with the truth of this are able to recognise it and try to unlearn some of the patriarchal norms we have all been brought up with to build a fairer partnership.

Some refuse to see it or try to change it because it's not in their interests to do so and there is no social cost to them. A great Dad takes shared responsibility for the mental load of finding activities and taking their child to them. He might have some great parenting skills, but he's not 'great' if he's outsourcing much of the caregiving work to you.

If I were you I'd confront him about this, if you want to save the marriage, he'll have to do half the work.

They are not married likepebblesonabeach.

Women in poor relationships often write the, "he is a good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is neither a good dad or decent partner to you. How is he the best dad when you are doing all the donkey work here in paying for all her activities and taking her out?. He is not is he?. Take the rose tinted glasses re him off here. I presume he wants another child primarily so you can stay at home permanently and care for his children whilst he further swans about doing whatever.

And what made him at all qualified to diagnose you with ADHD, depression and or Aspergers?. He cannot diagnose you with any sort of medical issue, let alone something like he has stated. He and his inherent laziness is the root cause of your unhappiness now and it also seems you would be better off without him in your life day to day. What does he bring to the table; it seems that he is pissed off that his position of he being number 1 in the home has been usurped by your job. You and he are not a team and he has used you throughout. What are you doing with someone who cannot even change a lightbulb?.

Would you want your daughter to be with someone like this as an adult?. No you would not and you should want better for you too. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

And indeed as Snoken has written whilst you are still together, make sure you get something in writing to say that you paid a far larger percentage of the deposit. You will want that back as some point and you will need legal advice. A lot of what has happened is just sunken costs, like you supporting him financially when he studied, but you can change your path from today.

I'm so sorry you are stuck like this. Before addressing whether or not to have another child, the most profound problem you seem to have is that you are fundamentally not happy with your career.

It doesn't sound like you like it (which is fine!) so before making any decisions about your partner, you maybe need to make some tough decisions about work. Decide whether to go full time and progress in nursing or get out and retrain in something new. Don't get trapped in the sunk costs fallacy with regard to nursing - if you're young enough for your husband to think you could continue growing your family, you are young enough to retrain.

The current situation isn't making you happy, but it certainly won't magically start making you happy if you get divorced. Fix that first.

If your DC is 4, it shouldn't be too long until they are in school, which should make it a lot easier to do full time hours. Meantime, it sounds like you might need to have your DC in nursery for more days than you currently do around work - like on a Monday too if working a nightshift then. Any reason he can't go to the gym after work on a Monday, but before you start your nightshift?
I get how tricky it can be to balance shiftwork with nursing hours, done it myself as a single lone parent for years while working full time hours, so it is doable, but it is also tough. Once at school, it's much better.
It looks like in general, that you have both been coasting while not really committing to this relationship, otherwise, why have 2 DC without getting married at some point? Definitely do not have another DC without the protection of marriage.
Also of concern is your DP's need to be elsewhere. If he goes out more than he did, it could denote that he has another person he is interested in elsewhere - hence going into 'work' unnecessarily and being away over the weekend (I'm guessing his DM was happy to babysit at times while he went out).
Death of a child will have put a huge strain on your relationship, so it's not surprising that cracks are appearing unfortunately.

How can you divorce when you’re not married?