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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to separate with a young child

9 replies

fierybrunette · 25/09/2023 06:36

Hi

I can't live with my husband anymore and don't want my 10th month growing up with fighting all the time or him thinking he can treat others the way my dh does (not violent or we would have been out the door right away)

I have spoken to my dh and he refuses to move out saying we can. He refuses to have any discussion about CM saying if I leave I don't get any. I went part time to look after ds but now I just feel trapped. Any advice would be very welcome

Thank you

OP posts:
CyberCritical · 25/09/2023 06:49

How long have you been married? This will have an impact on how assets are split.
What assets are there, do you joint own a home with both of you on the deeds?
Do you have any joint bank accounts?
Child maintenance - you apply for that and he is told what to pay, it can be taken direct from his salary if needs be, although can be complicated if he's self employed or willing to quit his job and hide earnings from HMRC.

Oldthyme · 25/09/2023 06:58

The first thing you need to do is see a solicitor. He/she will tell you what your rights are and help begin your journey of knowing what your next steps will be. Ring some local ones today and ask about a “free”
consultation. Many of them offer this.

Citizens Advice might also be s good source of info too.

It is possible to separate but still live under the same roof but it does mean not cooking/cleaning/food shopping/ separate food cupboards/don’t do his washing etc. Ask your solicitor about that.

ConnieTucker · 25/09/2023 07:00

Is he self employed? Why does he think he can just jot pay towards his child?

Original poster
fierybrunette · 25/09/2023 21:06

CyberCritical · 25/09/2023 06:49

How long have you been married? This will have an impact on how assets are split.
What assets are there, do you joint own a home with both of you on the deeds?
Do you have any joint bank accounts?
Child maintenance - you apply for that and he is told what to pay, it can be taken direct from his salary if needs be, although can be complicated if he's self employed or willing to quit his job and hide earnings from HMRC.

Thanks for replying!
4 years and we have a mortgage on a house in both names plus a joint account for bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
fierybrunette · 25/09/2023 21:07

Oldthyme · 25/09/2023 06:58

The first thing you need to do is see a solicitor. He/she will tell you what your rights are and help begin your journey of knowing what your next steps will be. Ring some local ones today and ask about a “free”
consultation. Many of them offer this.

Citizens Advice might also be s good source of info too.

It is possible to separate but still live under the same roof but it does mean not cooking/cleaning/food shopping/ separate food cupboards/don’t do his washing etc. Ask your solicitor about that.

Thank you. A 'free consultation' is a good shout.
I think living under one roof is ideal in one way but not sure if would be much different from now. Prob need to have a clean break if I can make it happen financially x

OP posts:
Original poster
fierybrunette · 25/09/2023 21:08

ConnieTucker · 25/09/2023 07:00

Is he self employed? Why does he think he can just jot pay towards his child?

Because I wanted a baby and he wasn't fussed......

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 25/09/2023 21:14

fierybrunette · 25/09/2023 21:08

Because I wanted a baby and he wasn't fussed......

Show quote history

No i mean why does he think he can get away with not paying? Why would child maintenance not just take him from him?

CyberCritical · 25/09/2023 21:47

First step for you is to make a thorough list of all your finances

  • house, who is on the deeds, how much is the mortgage, what is the current value, what are the monthly repayments
  • bank accounts, which ones exist, who has access to them, what is 8n them
  • Savings, what type, how much, who has access
  • pensions, who has one, what is the value
  • debts, how much, in whose name, repayment terms/length
  • other physical assets - cars, collectibles etc
  • salary - how much does he earn, any bonus

Under 5 yrs marriage may be classed as a short marriage which means that you may not get a 50/50 split of assets - www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/does-length-of-marriage-affect-divorce-settlement/

If you were to get a 50/50 split then it would generally either be a matter of

  • buying him out of the house if you can afford to
  • selling the house and splitting the equity that remains after the mortgage is paid back

You should put your details through entitledto.co.uk to see what kind of financial support you may be able to get from Universal Credit.

You should also look to see what possibilities there are for work and childcare as child maintenance if he's reluctant will be bare minimum, it sounds like he will be unlikely to voluntarily pay more. There's a calculator on their website that will tell you how much he'll need to pay as long as you have his salary. Bear in mind that if he goes for 50:50 custody he would likely not need to pay anything.

Original poster
fierybrunette · 30/09/2023 20:21

CyberCritical · 25/09/2023 21:47

First step for you is to make a thorough list of all your finances

  • house, who is on the deeds, how much is the mortgage, what is the current value, what are the monthly repayments
  • bank accounts, which ones exist, who has access to them, what is 8n them
  • Savings, what type, how much, who has access
  • pensions, who has one, what is the value
  • debts, how much, in whose name, repayment terms/length
  • other physical assets - cars, collectibles etc
  • salary - how much does he earn, any bonus

Under 5 yrs marriage may be classed as a short marriage which means that you may not get a 50/50 split of assets - www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/does-length-of-marriage-affect-divorce-settlement/

If you were to get a 50/50 split then it would generally either be a matter of

  • buying him out of the house if you can afford to
  • selling the house and splitting the equity that remains after the mortgage is paid back

You should put your details through entitledto.co.uk to see what kind of financial support you may be able to get from Universal Credit.

You should also look to see what possibilities there are for work and childcare as child maintenance if he's reluctant will be bare minimum, it sounds like he will be unlikely to voluntarily pay more. There's a calculator on their website that will tell you how much he'll need to pay as long as you have his salary. Bear in mind that if he goes for 50:50 custody he would likely not need to pay anything.

Thank you, this has given me a great starting point and a lot to think about

OP posts:
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