What do I do? Narcissist grandmother.

[DuggeeFanclub]

So, we moved next to my MIL a few years ago. Since we moved in my FIL has gone into a care home due to dementia. MIL has always been a narcissist but since FIL has left home she has become worse. She’s taken on a ‘boyfriend’ in FILs best friend who comes round regularly to support, offer condolences on how awful we are. Our home is our dream and a project so not prepared to move, besides it’d be letting her win. Everything came to a head around Christmas time. My husband had a seizure and we were living in a building site thanx to her basically telling us to eff off from her home which we stayed in for all of 2 months before she blew up in front of our 4 year old saying ‘I can’t do this s**t anymore!’ As well as this she decided it’d be fine to leave a load of half defrosted food on our porch (as she needed to defrost her freezer on Christmas Eve?! And I had put some of our things in there with her knowledge when we were having our extension built). She also decided to force her way into our home on Christmas morning causing much distress to myself and our son. My husband took the brunt as she hit him, bearing in mind he had a seizure 2 days earlier! We moved into a grotty Airbnb for a month which was bliss as it was away from her! When we moved back in we decided to go no contact as we were suffering emotionally with her behaviour. Anyway since then she’s posted manipulative notes through our door as well as various threats. After a sustained period of silence she’s decided to try her luck again and poked her head out of the window asking for cat food, I perhaps stupidly said fine! I bought cat food and left it on her porch. Following this she poked her head out again, this time in tears saying ‘do you know what it does to me seeing my grandson out of the window?’ I was blunt with her, I didn’t grey stone as I find it impossible having a narcissistic mother myself but it felt cathartic. Since then she’s stuck her head out of the window once more to smile and wave at my son playing the lov

Sorry hadn’t finished! Playing the loving grandma. Anyway my son has said he wants to see grandma obviously not knowing the anxiety it causes and the fact she has no interest other than keeping up a front. How do I talk to him about this in an age appropriate way? We are considering approaching a child physiologist as it’s pretty bad and we are both unfortunately very messed up from our narcissist mothers! Thank u.

I feel like there’s a lot of missing details here. What was the fall out over Christmas about?

Living 3 generations in one house is bound to create huge amounts of pressure so I’m not surprised that broke down the relationship. Did you pay rent?

I don’t think that was a good idea if you don’t have a good relationship, or moving next door.

I don’t think you can move next door to a parent and then block them out your life and stop them seeing grandchild etc. I think that is unreasonable really. Sorry but once you’ve done up the house you’ll have to move for both your sakes. How else would this resolve?

Living in the airbnb was bliss. Yet you want to live next to this drama until someone dies?

if you insist on staying.... Write to advise no contact and follow up with harassment and cease and desist warning... restrainting order etc.

Re your son. Grandma said said and did unkind things to mummy and daddy so we do talk to her anymore. If she tries to talk to you you must tell mummy and daddy.

But honestly it's bonkers to attempt to live next door to your mother other in law and ignore them/assume you'll have NO relationship.
Get the house done sell it and move.

No house, dream or otherwise is worth this.

I don’t understand why you live next door if you don’t want to? Just move? And why did you fall out? Your op doesn’t make a huge amount of sense I’m afraid.

Honestly there are a lot of missing details here.

If you knew she was 'always' a narcissist- then why move next to her? Let alone move IN with her? Why leave your food in her freezer?

It's a very strange thing to do when you say your husband is messed up from his childhood with her.

Also- BOTH your mothers are narcissists? That's unlikely or unlucky or both.

Does it help you to label her in that way? As opposed to looking at the relationship dynamics or the behaviour itself.

If she's that difficult I think you need to work out how to have a more arms length relationship with her. Which means, don't rely on her or enmesh your lives with her. You're setting yourself up for drama by doing that.

I think it's not realistic to expect your four year old to ignore her if she lives next door.

No house would be worth this drama for me.