Can't Move On :-(

[Doomgloom41]

It has been over a year since my husband left me for another woman. I feel I am no further forward than I was then. I thought things would get easier and as time went on I would just learn to live with it. I by no means want him back, the pain he has caused the family, and continues to cause is unbelievable. But I can't seem to stop thinking that this is it for me now. I have wonderful children who are my world, but find myself going to bed at night not wanting to wake up as I struggle to get through each day. I know this is a very 'poor me' post, but can someone please tell me things get better and there is a future out there for me possibly?

I am divorcing after many years of what I have now learned was verbal abuse.

The first six months I saw a therapist (chartered clinical psychologist). Mainly talking and helping me understand what had happened and how to understand it.

It’s now been over a year but I still feel an emotional mess. I’ve started seeing a new therapist and trying out different things to help me learn how to move on. She gives me homework every week.

Ive had to re check my thinking. Everytime I think about my ex and what he’s done, I’m just reinforcing my neural pathways. I’m learning to let these thoughts go. I’m also keeping a journal. Last week I had to write a letter to my inner child. Im at the stage I’m willing to try anything. I actually think I feel a bit stronger, though I couldn’t point out what has caused it.

I would strongly recommend some kind of therapy. If that’s not possible then get some self help books or read anything you can find online, until you find something that clicks with.

But you can start the journal today. Best of luck and you have my sympathy, it’s hard.

I totally agree with the journal idea. I've kept one for several years after I split with my ex. I don't set limits on when I write in it, just when the mood takes me. It could be when I'm feeling really down or something good has happened.
It's a double benefit as it helps just writing down your feelings/thoughts etc and then at a later stage, reading it back to yourself. It's amazing the little things you notice, small changes in your thinking. It's a bit like DIY therapy, if you can't afford the real thing and I'm a bit sceptical about that anyway.
Also, think of the Serenity Prayer - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (I'm not religious but this resonates with me).

And, absolutely yes there is a future for you. This isn't it. You are starting a new chapter and it'll be exciting and scary but it's all waiting for you, if you give it a chance.

All thus energy and time you spend thinking about them spend it on you, what you want to achieve in life, set some goals for yourself and new family, reinvent your life. Show yourself love and kindness, try new things rediscover your interests.get yourself in a good place. Don't waste another moments thought on them you've wasted enough time as is. Time is very precious. Look to the future and if it seems bleak then work towards a better one make a plan surround yourself with resources that motivate you,not sad films music and memories! Follow on social media people who uplift you.
You need to be inspired that your future can be better than this.

Definitely agree with PP, check that you aren't being negatively affected by social media - don't follow your ex or his friends or anyone that might set off your negative thought patterns. Everything everyone else has said is really good advice. Just take it one day at a time. Start thinking about what brings you joy too - what things make you feel happy? Simple things like a walk with the dog, having a glass of wine with a friend - anything. Make a list as you discover what those things are and then do more of those things. You will slowly start to build your new life. Best of luck to you.

I'm not far out and it was hell but I'm slowly getting there. Mine I've come to learn was abusive and it's still going on now in other ways and I'm having to defend myself and fight to see my children.

I've gone from being fixated on the past and what has happened, what if did this could it have been different, torturing myself over things until one day I forgot to think about it and that I believe was a turning point. Now I'm looking towards the future, the only thing that matters right now is the children but this is a moment in time it will get better.

One thing that was suggested to me was to write down a list from the very beginning, good and bad. I found that my memory of the relationship was skewed and in fact it had always been abusive I just didn't see it at the time. That wasn't love, nobody would treat someone they love that way.

I'm getting used to being on my own and to be okay with that. I don't have friends they were driven away so I'm going out on my own, even just driving to get out.

Now this has made me stronger in a way, a life lesson, albeit horrible and I'll use that going forward so I don't end up in the same situation again.

Things will get better as much as it doesn't seem like it. You're healing, it takes time. Roll with the emotions they are a normal process to relieve stress and heal. The day will come where you are stronger.

When i’ve been going through a rough time, I’ve found the following helpful:

Make as many plans as possible to channel your energy and mind into other things, including hobbies, meeting up with friends/family and generally being there for others.

Keep a list on your phone of positive things that happen each month. Even small things like having a nice time with a friend, a positive story you hear on the radio, a nice time with your children, a nice trip out etc. It will help put things in perspective that things aren’t so bad.