I need talking down

[Aperolspit]

Name change for this.
I found out DP of 13 years was cheating a couple of months ago after years of a gut feeling something was up. It was a relief tbh. And deep down I was glad that I could end things without me being the bad guy.
He says it was only a couple of times a few years ago. I don't believe him. The lies he has told are impressive.
I know he's still seeing her. We're still in the same house for financial reasons,no kids, but he's out 6 nights out of 7 'staying at a friend's' Whatever.
That's not the problem.
I'm obsessing about her. It's consuming me. I stalk her and her sister's Facebook hourly as they check in to places he says he's at with his friends. Why am I torturing myself? I know all I need to. It's over and I'm glad. Obviously upset but that's fine.
Please give me some words of wisdom to stop picking this scab. It's not healthy. I shouldn't care, she'll be taking him off my hands. But this obsessing about her is destroying my mental health.

ahh it’s so rough - i was the same when i was cheated on, used to scroll through her pages daily. best thing to do is either block them or just deactivate your socials for a bit so it’s not as easy to have a quick check. so sorry :(

You need to ask yourself why you are doing it? Is it to settle your curosity and have it confirmed that he is still with her? Or is it a self-esteem thing, comparing yoursef to her? Either way I'd come off social media altogether, or block her so you can't keep looking.

I think you are looking for proof.
Of she being better/worse than you.
Of him being cheating on her as he did with you.
Of them having a good/bad time.

You are looking for answers of questions that doesn't need answer because you are well rid.

You want to know the reason of why, when, how etc? I tell you a secret, it doesn't matter, you are well rid.

Give them your blessings and sort out the financial aspects as soon as it is possible.

And get a big smile because you are not getting with his shit any longer.

See, I'm not comparing myself at all. I'm fairly comfortable in my skin and really don't give that a second thought.
I know he'll be lying to her, it's who he is.
I keep going over the last few years and it's like a light has been switched on. All the dots have joined up. It's tainted holidays, days out, special days. I think that's the worst bit. And that churns in my mind too.

I'm going through a similar thing just now - tho with various women of whom I only 'know' one - I was stalking her but it was making me focused on the wrong stuff. I blocked her instead and stepped away. It's shit but focusing on me and how I can be happier is doing much better. The reminders each time I went online were awful

My ex cheated and I knew something was going on, a gut feeling for months. I turned into a bit of a psycho, the FBI could have used my investigations skills. After I had proof and confronted him I still couldn't stop investigating. The only way I can describe it, is that I got addicted to the 'high' of finding something out. I know it's an odd thing to get a buzz from, but it was a morbid obsession.

As soon as we split and didn't live together it stopped and I could finally get on with my life

@wildwestpioneer yip, same. I'd be recruited on the spot now. It is a morbid obsession, you're so right. That Ha gotcha high then the slump after finding something else out.
I'm sniffing my dog and seatbelts for her perfume. It's massively unhealthy and I need to stop.

You must block the two of them and keep them blocked. You know yourself but this is massively unhealthy.

You need to try and move past thinking about what you have lost, those times that now seem a waste. Yes, it may be now in hindsight but at the time it wasn't and ultimately there's nothing you can do about it.

He wasn't worth it and he's not worth it now. Instead of feeling resentment over time wasted, don't waste your time and energy now on someone who's a piece of shit.

Moving on and rebuilding yourself is ultimately how you win. You will flourish and he will always be the same.

All wise words, thank you.
It's odd because I don't care about her, I don't want revenge or to go to her door. She's nothing to me. She's my get out of jail free card.
Yesterday I saw a text from her to him, just shite, and I was about to confront him re still seeing her but I thought Why? He'll just lie, they'll be a huge argument and I'm the one that ultimately gets upset. If I can be so pragmatic about that why can't I stop digging about and messing with my head?

Because you're not there yet, it takes time. At some point you'll get to the stage where you stop checking because you'll come to the realization it's pointless. Not like you'll think about stopping, you just won't go to do it in the first place without thinking.

I've just been through it, not cheating but something else and my entire marriage was seemingly a lie and I was swirling the drain torturing myself. That went on for months, until one day I forgot.

I think it's a form of control, you are suffering from trauma, which comes out with hyper vigilance and ocd symptoms, this is probably your response to keep the injury alive so you are protected by never forgiving him and getting back with him.

Your brain and body's mechanism for keeping him at bay whilst in the same home.

Once you are apart you will probably feel safe and let your guard down.

Work on the separation.

I said this to someone else on an earlier thread but maybe look up Betrayal Trauma. Something I've recently been told about by a therapist and it was a real lightbulb moment.
Best of luck OP. What a momumental prick he is.

Maybe it's because you're still stuck in the same house and he's still lying to you?

Sounds like trauma/grief to me also 😞 you definitely sound better off on your own with him making you feel this way for so long. Unfortunately I think it's just time that will heal you, things will fade and feel less raw 💐

How did you come to see a text from him? My partner and I are very close, and don't hide/lock our phones, but it's very rare we actually see each other's messages.

Did he show you? Did he leave his phone on the counter and the message flashed up? Did you snoop?

The message flashed up on his phone and I saw it. It's usually stuck to his side (another red flag) but I'd come home unexpectedly, he was in another room and he'd left it on the couch.

When all this is over, and he's been out of your life for a long period and you've recovered emotionally, got yourself sorted out, and are happy, what would you like to look back on for this time? Do you want to look back at yourself being obsessed with the past, or would you like to see a proactive you, doing things to drive your life forwards and onwards, away from this trauma?

Try to use this perspective every time you think of acting on your feelings.

Sorry to hear about this it sounds awful. Interesting point from PP that maybe this is your brain's way of protecting you by keeping the wound and pain raw so you don't cave in and lose your resolve.

Can you find a way to split properly and stop living under the same roof as this shithead?

It's a hard situation and someone upthread said it's about getting control. I agree.

I was like this with my ex. Kept stalking him
On Facebook and women who he was tagged with. It's no good for you. Your not achieving anything you don't already know.

Get out of the house and get a hobby whether it's walking or the gym or meeting up with your friends or borrowing someone's dog to walk. But try and get out and do something as it will clear your head.

make a plan for the future. When can he go?