As a back story my mum was EA and narcissistic and my exH very similar, so I haven't had a great relationship history.
I've been with my partner for 5 years. It turns out he wasn't actually single when we met, I was OW for 3 months with absolutely no knowledge of this other person (it was a long distance relationship and he says he didn't see her at all during this time). He also slept with someone else right at the time we started seeing each other. None of this stuff became apparent until about a year into our relationship, when he initially lied about it and then told the truth (well, it could be the truth or not, I don't know, but he admitted to both of the things above). We split up for a while and then got back together - I think both of us had shitty relationships before and I felt that this one was better (yes, I know...!) and we had something between us worth saving.
Fast forward a few years, and things aren't great. He is working a lot of hours, which is exactly what my ex used to do, and it triggers me back to that past relationship. Maybe it's not entirely fair of me to feel that way, he has to work after all, but I sometimes just feel tired of the fact that it's often just me, holding all of the responsibilities of our life and household (I have 2 children with exH) and he is not part of it. He pays half the bills, but other than that lives here rent free (I've posted about this before and I know it's not on) and financially benefits from the situation as his house is rented out whilst he lives here. He does, however, pay for weekends away and meals out etc as I can't currently afford them - he earns at least 5x more than me.
However, I've had a really shit time since covid, and I don't know how much that is influencing how I currently feel about the relationship. I had PND and OCD since the birth of DC2 12 years ago, and covid has really made my anxiety much worse. I don't do much out of the house because I don't enjoy it because I'm worried about getting covid. Ironically I've already had it 3 times from the kids who got it from school, so it's not as if all of my protecting myself helps me as I am more likely to get exposed from the kids. But anyway, I find life hard at the moment because of this.
Having said that, I have a job that I enjoy, and when I'm at work and interacting with colleagues, I don't feel low or anxious or depressed, I feel ok. My colleagues are lovely and supportive and I enjoy talking to them, I can do my work and concentrate and focus (other than getting sidetracked on MN!!). And all of that makes me wonder if it is the relationship that is the issue, as I am "fine" at work.
Reading this back it looks as though the relationship is so terrible and I'm sure everyone is going to tell me to LTB! We have had some good times together, but I think maybe the little things that have added up over time have just got to the point where it's too much, and there is nothing left. I can't even sit here and defend what is good. He has been away for 2 weeks with work and asked me the other day if I miss him. I really don't. I can't think of 1 thing that I miss.
I've answered my own question really, haven't I?
The kids really like him, although they might miss the dog more. I feel guilty about putting them through another of my failed relationships (the first being the one with their dad, I haven't had a string of partners who have been around), and I do feel sad about the relationship ending because I feel bad that it's also potentially ending the relationship that they had with him, and him with them. It's been 5 years, almost half of DC2's life.