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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So confused

12 replies

PH41 · 24/09/2023 12:55

So long story short, I fell in love with a woman at work who I left my wife for (my marriage had long been broken). We got engaged and were planning a marriage and then BANG, everything changed and she was running around behind my back with her ex. Months of manipulation and gaslighting left me thinking I was going mad before I was finally able to trust my intuition and walk away.

Fast forward 2 years and she contacts me again. I’m in a relationship with a new partner whose only ‘issue’ was that she wasn’t my ex. In those 2 years I still loved my ex and so as soon as I got her email I knew I was in trouble. We meet up and she admits everything she did. I decide to forgive her and then BANG, all those feelings are back. She declares her love for me, we get engaged, go on holiday and plan on moving in together. Her behaviour changes to how it was last time and now we’re not engaged and I’m not moving in. We broke up completely but now her behaviour is confusing me again.

We’re now just friends although I have told her that I still have feelings for her. The thing confusing me is that she video calls me twice a day for a couple of hours in total, she texts me all day, she sends me photos of her in bikinis she’s chosen for her holiday with the girls. We had plans to go away for Xmas and she tells me that her son is refusing to go now as I won’t be there. When I asked if she’d cancelled the holiday she said she hasn’t. She has another ex that she speaks to and she’s repeatedly told him that there will never ever be anything between them again. Yet, unless I’ve missed it because I just want to be with her, she hasn’t said that to me.

I have male and female friends and I don’t speak to them as often as I speak with her. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into things because of my feelings for her or is she acting as more than a friend? What would the signs be that we are more than friends?

OP posts:
Specso · 24/09/2023 13:01

Didn’t you post about this a few days ago?

Yes, you are reading too much into it because of your feelings for her.

She sounds like she’s obsessed with getting attention and needs it from multiple people so any amount of attention you give will never be enough. You’ll never feel like enough with someone like that and she’ll always mess you around so don’t waste your precious time on her.

PaintedEgg · 24/09/2023 13:01

she acts like more than a friend with a number of her exs as she clearly likes the attention and having back-ups

very resourceful lady

btw, your post was delightful to read, you are such a great example of self-administrated karma

LifeExperience · 24/09/2023 13:05

She wants attention, not a relationship.

Wherearemymarbles · 24/09/2023 16:44

Jim Henson springs to mind when reading your post

PH41 · 24/09/2023 21:11

Sorry for not responding but it’s been a busy day. As the day has gone on though it has become apparent that she’s messing me around. It’s clear she wants an army of back up plans. She even told me not to throw out a photo frame of us today but then says we’re never getting back together. She wants me hanging on her every word and waiting around for her and like a idiot I’ve been doing it.

Jim Henson definitely applies.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 21:15

You're a chump. She's making a proper idiot out of you, she's fucked you over multiple times, and you're still allowing it. Fucking hell. Raise the bar and stop being such a mug. Honestly, aren't you just embarrassed at this point? Block this woman, scrape up whatever shreds of dignity you have left, and move on.

PH41 · 24/09/2023 21:21

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 21:15

You're a chump. She's making a proper idiot out of you, she's fucked you over multiple times, and you're still allowing it. Fucking hell. Raise the bar and stop being such a mug. Honestly, aren't you just embarrassed at this point? Block this woman, scrape up whatever shreds of dignity you have left, and move on.

You’re right.

I will be blocking her. It is embarrassing that I keep allowing myself to be humiliated. She’s even got her WhatsApp photo as the day we went to visit the wedding venue! Just feel like it’s another kick in the nuts!

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 24/09/2023 21:24

You sound lovely, you dump your wife for this woman, then she cheats on you and dumps you, you get with someone else, then dump her as soon as cheater ex clicks her fingers. You sound well suited and should get together, and keep out of the dating pool so you both don’t fuck over anyone else!

PH41 · 24/09/2023 22:44

Throwncrumbs · 24/09/2023 21:24

You sound lovely, you dump your wife for this woman, then she cheats on you and dumps you, you get with someone else, then dump her as soon as cheater ex clicks her fingers. You sound well suited and should get together, and keep out of the dating pool so you both don’t fuck over anyone else!

I’ll accept what you’re saying about my ‘new’ ex partner, however, my wife and I were well over. We lived in the same house and we wore our wedding rings yet we didn’t speak, didn’t spend any time together and despite me recommending we went to marriage counselling she refused. Even my wife’s brother told me to walk away from her and I still tried to fight for us. After 2 years of fighting for us and getting nowhere I found the woman who I thought was my ‘one’ but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

OP posts:
laladoodoo · 24/09/2023 22:48

Nothing to be confused about, OP. You've been stupid and have been mugged off numerous times. And here you are, writing about it so clearly it's going to happen again. Get a grip.

PH41 · 24/09/2023 22:53

laladoodoo · 24/09/2023 22:48

Nothing to be confused about, OP. You've been stupid and have been mugged off numerous times. And here you are, writing about it so clearly it's going to happen again. Get a grip.

I can see it now. I’ve blocked her in the last 10 mins as it became so clear that I’m being mugged off. I can’t believe I allowed myself to get sucked in.

Angry with myself and embarrassed!

OP posts:
stonedaisy · 24/09/2023 23:03

Such harsh comments wow, no need to shred him / op for being in a human relationship - bizarre behaviour!
It does sound as if its done and you would be better off starting over but don't blame yourself for giving it a go and being emotionally available with someone. Be kind to yourself, feel better and get back out there

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