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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Such a messy situation - am I right to feel upset about this?

21 replies

Everys · 24/09/2023 09:48

DP and I have been together 12 years with three DC. Always been a bit up and down and after a very stressful year we separated quite spectacularly. I had to get him removed from the house by the police several times for ranting and scaring me.

This was 8 months ago. He subsequently found himself in a crappy situation and has since worked hard on himself. I struggled a lot in my own with the DC and we all really missed him.

We’ve been working on a relationship for a couple of months, things seem to be ok thus far although he still thinks I overreacted and ‘tried to ruin his life’ as do his family, none of whom want anything to do with me.

He went to a big family wedding recently, I wasn’t invited, he hasn’t told any of them we’re trying to make a go of things. This has upset me.

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 24/09/2023 09:51

A big part of you making a go of things is being able to admit wrong doings and he doesn't seem prepared to accept that his aggressive behaviour frightened you enough to call the police several times.

He needs to tell his family that and say that whilst the relationship was rocky on both sides it was HIS aggressiveness at the end that finished the relationship and now he is trying again with you to rebuild the trust and respect for each other.

Unless he can do this I think you should not go down the route of reconciliation.

LastHives · 24/09/2023 09:51

"he still thinks I overreacted and ‘tried to ruin his life"

This tells me he is not taking any responsibility for his previous behaviour. Honestly go it alone. The same will happen again. He is blaming you!

Original poster
Everys · 24/09/2023 09:55

Thanks all, honestly I think in part I did overreact, I found it triggering from past abuse and got scared. I don’t think he was ever a threat as such.

I guess I’m expecting to be told by you all that I’m being ridiculous trying to work on things with him and maybe I need to hear it?

OP posts:
Wolfricbriandumbledore · 24/09/2023 09:55

What the pps said. This has no hope if he can’t admit his own contribution to the dynamic.

Olika · 24/09/2023 09:57

What pp say.

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:57

Always been a bit up and down

the police have been involved several times?

bit more than “up and down”. Sounds utterly horrific from you and most importantly your children

category12 · 24/09/2023 10:04

Everys · 24/09/2023 09:55

Thanks all, honestly I think in part I did overreact, I found it triggering from past abuse and got scared. I don’t think he was ever a threat as such.

I guess I’m expecting to be told by you all that I’m being ridiculous trying to work on things with him and maybe I need to hear it?

It's not going to work if he doesn't accept his part in what happened, isn't prepared to sort his family out and tell them you're together, no.

I'm also concerned you're minimising the incidents and not trusting your own experience. It's never acceptable to be scared in your own home.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 24/09/2023 10:05

Think about what you want, what a good happy loving relationship looks like to you. Do you think you can have that with him? You say you missed him, but are you just afraid to break the cycle and instead are gravitating back to what feels familiar? If he doesn't accept responsibility for his part, that is not a good sign. Your partner in life should never scare you to the point that you feel the need to call the police.

ConnieTucker · 24/09/2023 10:11

Always been a bit up and down
not a good relationship.

I had to get him removed from the house by the police several times for ranting and scaring me.
not a good relationship

he still thinks I overreacted and ‘tried to ruin his life’
for scaring you to the point you had to call the police. Not a good relationship.

as do his family, none of whom want anything to do with me.
there is no future here if his family dont want anything to do with you for his behaviour and he supports that.

He went to a big family wedding recently, I wasn’t invited
theres no future here

he hasn’t told any of them we’re trying to make a go of things
because this to him is convenience due to finding himself ‘in a crappy situation.’

This has upset me
and he doesnt care. Not a good relationship.

I don’t think he was ever a threat as such.
you dont think but you were scared at the time
as such so you are concerned.

seriously, move on.

BethDuttonsTwin · 24/09/2023 10:11

You'll be right back where you started before you know it. The break up process is just being dragged out. He doesn't accept his part in it. You say you wonder if you overreacted as you are triggered by past events. I'd say you're under reacting tbh because of past events iyswim? I understand this very well as I allowed a similar situation to drag on painfully for several years. A decade on he has never accepted responsibility. For most people what you describe would be immediately relationship ending, and well before the most recent incident. Why do you think it isn't for you? And that you're willing to believe him more than your own feelings?

Karma2023 · 24/09/2023 10:18

If he can't accept his part in the breakdown and blames you (also smearing you to his family) then how can this relationship continue?

No one calls the police easily on a partner so his level of aggression must have been such you felt fear. You don't need to justify your feelings - at any point in his aggressiveness he could have dialled his behaviour down when he saw that you were afraid. He didn't.

Also if you are used to walking on eggshells your ability to cope with aggression is less because you are already anxious. I suggest you were in a heightened state of anxiety already and were pushed over the edge.

I imagine his family are aggressive so to them his behaviour is "normal" which is why you are being punished for stepping out of line.

You can miss someone who isn't good for you, heck you can even love someone who is awful for and towards you. Look up trauma bonding.

Orangetreexherry · 24/09/2023 11:08

From what I've read, he is getting back with you temporarily for his convenience, and will leave you as soon as it suits him, so his family (or friends) don't need to know.
You must provide a safe place to live for your DC.
Your DP is not going to change, as he doesn't think/acknowledge he has done anything wrong.

ConnieTucker · 24/09/2023 11:16

From what I've read, he is getting back with you temporarily for his convenience, and will leave you as soon as it suits him, so his family (or friends) don't need to know.
this.

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 24/09/2023 11:16

I had to get him removed from the house by the police several times for ranting and scaring me.

The police aren't your own personal security force. You didn't call them out and they simply did what you asked. You called the police because you were scared of what he was doing. They came out, assessed the situation, and judged it best that they remove him.

What you mean to say is -

"The police found his behaviour so serious they removed him from the family home on several occasions"

I'm guessing he/his family have phrased this as you "getting the police to do xyz" and therefore it being your fault?

The police don't do anything they don't want to! None of the police's response to his awful behaviour has anything to do with you.

Agree with PP, this is a lost cause unless he starts taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

category12 · 24/09/2023 11:17

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 24/09/2023 11:16

I had to get him removed from the house by the police several times for ranting and scaring me.

The police aren't your own personal security force. You didn't call them out and they simply did what you asked. You called the police because you were scared of what he was doing. They came out, assessed the situation, and judged it best that they remove him.

What you mean to say is -

"The police found his behaviour so serious they removed him from the family home on several occasions"

I'm guessing he/his family have phrased this as you "getting the police to do xyz" and therefore it being your fault?

The police don't do anything they don't want to! None of the police's response to his awful behaviour has anything to do with you.

Agree with PP, this is a lost cause unless he starts taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

Good point.

BethDuttonsTwin · 24/09/2023 12:59

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 24/09/2023 11:16

I had to get him removed from the house by the police several times for ranting and scaring me.

The police aren't your own personal security force. You didn't call them out and they simply did what you asked. You called the police because you were scared of what he was doing. They came out, assessed the situation, and judged it best that they remove him.

What you mean to say is -

"The police found his behaviour so serious they removed him from the family home on several occasions"

I'm guessing he/his family have phrased this as you "getting the police to do xyz" and therefore it being your fault?

The police don't do anything they don't want to! None of the police's response to his awful behaviour has anything to do with you.

Agree with PP, this is a lost cause unless he starts taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

This really is a great post and I wish I had read it many years ago when I was going through a similar situation.

MariePaperRoses · 24/09/2023 14:43

'Thanks all, honestly I think in part I did overreact, I found it triggering from past abuse and got scared. I don’t think he was ever a threat as such.'........

If he was aware of your having suffered abuse in the past then a decent man would always be mindful not to ever make you feel scared or anxious for your safety again.

He knows you were frightened and that you called the police more than once.

Now he says it's YOUR fault.

What does that tell you and us about him?

That he is an abusive prick.

Do not reconcile with him.

BlastedPimples · 24/09/2023 16:21

You didn't over react. At all.

He is minimising.

They all minimise their aggression.

It never gets better.

Aggressive men always progress to worse behaviour.

He's angry he's been clocked and checked by the police. He can't bully you as much as he'd like anymore.

Now you're excluded from his family events.

It's all looking even more shit to my mind.

Is there a reason you can't bin him permanently and live a happy, fear free life?

theduchessofspork · 24/09/2023 16:24

Always been up and down plus calling the police to have him removed indicate this relationship is best left in the past, and that’s before you consider he isn’t taking responsibility for his behaviour.

If you won’t move on for yourself OP, move on for your kids. They do not need this drama in their life.

theduchessofspork · 24/09/2023 16:25

Everys · 24/09/2023 09:55

Thanks all, honestly I think in part I did overreact, I found it triggering from past abuse and got scared. I don’t think he was ever a threat as such.

I guess I’m expecting to be told by you all that I’m being ridiculous trying to work on things with him and maybe I need to hear it?

You didn’t overreact OP.

The police don’t remove people from their homes for nothing.

Please leave this guy behind.

Watchkeys · 24/09/2023 19:36

If he's telling you that you over reacted, he thinks he knows better than you how you should act. He thinks he knows best.

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