Being a 'late starter' in life/inexperienced

[ILostMy20s]

Hello MN. Firstly, full disclosure: I'm a male, but I'm posting as I'd like to (hopefully) receive some friendly female advice. Please be kind, as this is something that is fairly sensitive...

So, I'm in a bit of a predicament. I recently turned 30, but it's fair to say I'm much more inexperienced in love than pretty much anyone else this age.

At school, I was always very shy around the opposite sex. Literally, I was the sort of guy to turn down girls who asked me for hugs! I'm not joking, I'd sometimes cross the road to avoid talking to some girls.

This kind of continued when I started uni. Still very shy/socially awkward, and I really felt like I didn't fit in. I suppose it didn't help that I lived at home and commuted, so I was socially isolated through that as well. But uni really wasn't a good time for me. Because of how I felt, I developed anxiety and struggled with my eating for a while. So I never experienced the typical 'student lifestyle'.

It took me a while after graduating to get better, but unfortunately only a couple of years later, I went through a very traumatic family event. To avoid the full details, essentially I ended up becoming a part-time carer for my mum unexpectedly. Because of this, for quite a few years, dating/relationships were really the last thing on my mind.

Anyway, eventually I got through that, and a couple of years ago, I got to know a friend of a friend very well, and I developed strong feelings for her. Unfortunately it wasn't mutual; she made it clear that she only considered me a friend. I was devastated, as I really felt to begin with that there was the possibility for more. But in a way I was relieved, because I was aware that she had much more life experience than me. She'd had a couple of long-term relationships (including living with a previous partner), as well as a few flings. I never admitted my inexperience to her, but she knew I'd never had a relationship before, and it made me realise that if she had been interested in me, I might have been quite 'disappointing' to her compared to other people she'd been with.

I've spent time working on myself since then, and have recently started OLD. Things have been going fairly well - I've had quite a few matches, and several good conversations. I feel comfortable chatting to people - I'm not totally socially inept! But, obviously, my concern is that if things continue to progress, things might become more difficult.

To be clear: I've never so much as even had a kiss, and yes, clearly I'm still a virgin too...

I know some people will probably read this and laugh, and wonder how it's possible, whether I've been living under a rock all this time or whatever. But I hope the context makes sense. As per my name, I feel like my 20s were a lost decade in my life compared to most other people.

I'm acutely aware that for many women, this is probably a huge turn off. At this age in life, you want a "man" and don't want to have to teach somebody everything...so in some ways, I guess it's better to not admit anything?

But equally I'm scared it'll then become an issue. And obviously, the longer I go without experiencing these sorts of things, the more left behind in life I become. It's not something I can really talk to anyone about, because there's quite a bit of stigma associated with it. I keep it to myself. My friends know I've never been in a relationship, but they don't know the full extent of it.

So, from a female's perspective, what would you say is my best course of action? Be upfront and honest with dates about my inexperience (at the appropriate time, obviously!), and hope it doesn't scare everyone off, or keep it to myself and just hope that things come to me naturally when they happen?

Thanks to anyone who has got this far.

it sounds like you’re sort of insecure about this? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about and I think you’re over thinking how much people would care. Personally I wouldn’t be too bothered as long as the reason you haven’t had a relationship is because you’re a complete weirdo lol! I would just choose an appropriate time to mention it if ex’s etc come up in conversation and just say you were always so shy you’ve never had a relationship before.
you’ve sort of over explained everything in your post, which I understand! But I don’t think they need to know in this much detail until you know eachother better it’s quite personal stuff.
you will find somebody! Believe in yourself and have confidence in yourself because you’ve clearly worked on yourself a lot! Best of luck x

I think you could allude to being inexperienced without spelling out that you're a virgin at first. You sound like a great catch. I was also a late starter in life , its more common than you think! Women won't mind, you sound lovely.

I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal. I’d much rather you than some serial shagger that had racked up 1000 notches. The right person is out there for you, and she won’t give a hoot.

I could have written your post about 10 years ago but I'm female. I too was shy around men and didn't date anyone in college or uni. I think mine was linked to a mistrust in men in general due to living around domestic violence as a child.

Anyway, this lead to me keeping men at arm's length. I turned to religion in that time too, which didn't help matters. After uni, I worked for a couple of years but ended up as a full-time carer for my grandmother quickly developed dementia. . This meant a few more years of being lonely. Then my gran died and the loneliness and depression got really bad. My father then died in tragic circumstances a year later when I was 27.

It was a few days after his funeral that I met the 1st man that I ever loved. I never told him how inexperienced I was. Just stayed pretty vague. All my 1st were with him. First kiss etc. I was so ashamed to actually admit it. When it came to loosing my virginity, well he kind of guessed by then.

The relationship didn't last and I was devastated. Be prepared for that. The 1st heartbreak will break your heart like nothing else. However 3 months after that I met my current partner. 9 years down the line we are happy, have 2 kids and building a house in the countryside.

So I would say don't share too much. If it comes up, you can be honest. But no need to let people know straight away. Take things slow, be a gentleman.

I would advise you to have some therapy though if you feel there are some underlying causes to your shyness. Mine was to do with childhood trauma.

Honestly I don't think you need to go into huge detail, but neither do I think it's anything to be ashamed of. Plenty of decent people, men and women, reach their 30s without much if any dating and sexual experience; whilst society says its strange it doesn't mean it is or that there's anything 'wrong' with someone in that position. Concentrate on what you can offer now, and if it's intimacy you're worried about just wait to have sex until you feel comfortable to be open with them.

You sound like a lovely guy. A couple of my friends met through (Christian) online dating as that part of their lives was very important to them both. Husband is a lovely bloke and s perfect match for my adorable friend, who's been through the mill a bit. Husband hadn't had a relationship before he was 40 for family carer reasons that sound really similar to you, they have been married ten years now and absolutely adore each other. Don't rush, take time to trust in a new relationship, and you'll find the right person will love you because you're you, experience or lack of it will be something you work on together. All the best.

Sorry you had a rough time. I think being late starter is more common than you think. People’s experience is very varied.

I’d be upfront about not having much relationship experience, and having been a carer for your mum is a clear reason for that.

I don’t think you need to talk about the fact you are a virgin up front, as it’s just a lot of info. When it comes up it comes up.

Obviously you do have the option of hiring a professional and loosing it. If you decide to do that, use an escort agency and a hotel where the workers are safe and paid properly. I’m not suggesting you should do this BTW, but since it’s an obvious option be as ethical as you can.

If you think you need some counselling to work through your feelings around it, do.

You will have some ups and downs but love and sex is great so it’s a great chapter opening up to you.

Yes, maybe the first time might be a bit awkward in terms of using your body and finding the right rhythm, but that's not unsurmountable. It just depends what kind of person someone is - some people are naturally tactile or comfortable in their own body, and so they'll take to sex pretty quickly even if they haven't had it before.

What puts a lot of women off is a player who's going to be a liability in a long-term relationship. Insecurity can put women off as well.

If anyone reads your OP and laughs, they are really weird! Honestly, I think more women would prefer to meet a man with little/no experience than someone who had slept around loads in their 20s. When you meet someone you click with, sexual experience will be irrelevant.
OLD works for some people, but can be totally brutal. Do you have the opportunity to meet women through work, friends or hobbies?

Honestly OP I know it seems like the biggest deal to you, but if a woman really likes you it won't matter to them at all. You don't have to tell them straight away, only if things progress to that stage. If someone laughs at you they are an asshole.

I do think for guys there is somewhat more pressure to be experienced, but don't worry about it - when you are are one to one with a person it's all about the here and now, not about what you have done before. Sex with a new person is always a bit awkward anyway.

You sound like you would make a great partner, you just have to find the right person for you.

I think you sound great. Good luck in finding your person op.

It doesnt matter if someone has had more experience than you. I don't know where you have got this about women not wanting to teach someone but I don't think that's true. There isn't a one size fits all on every person sexually. You teach each person you are with what you like and you learn how to appreciate each other together. That's how real good sex should be. Taking time, not rushing and making sure each person gets pleasure.

Just be you and meet someone on your level as in vibing and go from there. You'll be fine.

Thank you all for your very kind, thoughtful comments. 😊It has definitely helped make me feel slightly more at ease. I think sometimes you can blow up problems in your mind and make them bigger than they really are, so getting comments like this is definitely reassuring. I wasn't sure what to expect, as I know MN can be a bit brutal at times!

I'll respond to a few of you individually now...

Yeah, it's fair to say I've felt quite insecure about it - when it feels like everyone you know from growing up is either in a long-term relationship, already settled down, or have had several relationships by now, it can weigh on your mind that you're the odd one out. And I suppose there's also the fear in that admitting you're inexperienced to someone, without them having the full context I've outlined, will judge me negatively for it.

But I certainly hope I'm not a weirdo! Haha. Thank you for your kind comment. :)

I'm really glad to read that things turned out well for you, even if not with your "first", and that you're happy now - that's a great story and gives me hope. And I'm sorry to hear you experienced similarly difficult times in your 20s. It is easy to get resentful at times, and wonder why you're having to deal with all this negative stuff.

Will take your advice onboard. Certainly, I'm not planning on blurting out "I'm a virgin!" randomly (like Otis did in Sex Education, if you've ever seen that 😂), as I imagine that could be quite the passion killer! But it has crossed my mind when best to share something like that, or whether to be more coy about it.

I feel I'm better regarding my shyness now, certainly than I was during school/uni, but I am still very much an introvert. It's something I've given thought to over the years, and I think part of it comes back to my childhood. I grew up in a small village outside of the nearest big town where I went to school, so generally outside of school I didn't tend to see people much, or get invited to stuff.

I still cringe at some of those school memories - I think there were a couple of times people had crushes on me, and friends dropped hints. My reaction was usually to try and avoid them for the rest of the time we were at school! 😅

Thank you.

I'm a bit ashamed to admit I have thought about the escort option a bit, earlier on when I was approaching turning 30, I felt maybe it would be something that could benefit me mentally to feel that I didn't still have to worry about being a virgin in my 30s. But ultimately, I think I'd prefer for my first time to feel more genuine and less transactional. I'd also worry that I'd regret using an escort later on in life.

But I do appreciate the suggestion.

OP Don't worry, being inexperienced is not as unusual as you think, and the enforced isolation of the Covid period didn't help either. Everyone has to start somewhere and you sound lovely; caring, intelligent and thoughtful and there are plenty of women who would value that highly.
If you are doing OK on the dating sites don't just text and chat, start meeting up as soon as you can and treat it as though you are meeting a friend. If you feel shy keep it simple to begin with, opt for coffee or a drink and see how you get on. Don't overshare about your inexperience, keep conversation light, and go from there. Once you meet someone you connect with l'm sure everything will happen naturally. All the best and good luck!

Thank you, that's a really nice comment. :)

Definitely agree about OLD being brutal, but sadly at the moment it is probably my best chance of meeting anyone in the short term. In my current job, I work remotely most of the time - and I have a fairly small circle of friends. As mentioned, the last person I grew close to was through a friend or a friend, so that's another reason I was hopeful that things might work out.

I have said for quite a while that I'd like to join a walking group for young people though - as I really enjoy walking.

OP, some women will consider your lack of experience a negative, but many others will consider it sweet, and reassuring, because they will prefer a partner that is not intimidating and does not have a history of sleeping with 1000 women.

There are many women who would jump at the chance to help you experience everything for the first time, it can feel very special to be that person.

What I mean to say is basically, the best chance you have to find someone compatible is to show yourself just as you are, even if that risks putting off some people... after all, the ones put off by who you are wouldn't be good matches anyway! No, you don't need to introduce yourself with "I am a virgin", but equally you do not need to "hide" anything. And please I beg you, DON'T use a prostitute. I am in my 40s and very experienced sexually, and I can promise you I'd much rather have an inexperienced partner than one who lost his virginity to a prostitute. That would give me the heebie-jeebies very quickly. Yuck.

I have no doubt there is someone out there for you, you sound sweet and caring, and by the history you describe you don't sound like there's anything physically wrong with you.

Best of luck!

Some great advice here. You do sound like a really decent man, and I'm sure you'll find the right partner, given time.

My partner only had one relationship before we got together and I really like that he hadn't been with heaps of women.

Probably not a good idea to visit an escort, as that is a deal breaker for many women.

I'd rather be with a man who was a bit nervous and inexperienced than someone with fifty notches on his bedpost.

No decent person will judge you, or look down on you, for being a virgin. Anyone who thinks that's something to be made fun of is themselves really imature.

There are plenty of imature men who are very experienced in bed (by the way, that doesn't mean they're any good at it!). Give me a brain and a bit of humility and self awarenss every day of the week over 'had a lot of sex'.

Hi OP!

As previous posters have said, it’s not going to be a big deal to a woman if she likes you, and if anyone laughs at you/makes fun then they are the weird ones.

I hope you find the one that you are looking for!!

Being totally honest, a lot of guys out there are absolutely twats. Misogynists, cheats, liars etc.

If you're a kind, respectful, honest, decent bloke then you're probably already a considerable improvement on most of the dating pool on online dating forums. If I was single and dating, it wouldn't put me off.

In my experience, one of the biggest mistakes men in your position make is assuming that what they have learnt about women from films/the internet is the truth. Don't fall into that trap!

Everyone has their own insecurities. I have mine and my partner has his. Every man I've dated has had their own insecurities.

I agree with others about not oversharing too much too soon. Get to know someone. I'd imagine a lot of women would appreciate a man who isn't trying to get them into bed by date 3. But do be honest. Being shy coupled with becoming a carer for your mum are a testament to your character and nothing to be ashamed of.

My ex husband was a virgin at 26 20+ years ago. I was his first. He is now remarried and she is his second. I wouldn't think it was strange at all.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and kind comments.

I very much hope that is the case for me, whenever it happens. I suppose I've been guilty of building this up more in my head, the older I've become. I've just assumed that for most women at this age, it would be more of an issue. I'll be honest that I've been something of a lurker on this forum, and seeing comments from people saying that bad sex at the first time of DTD is a deal-breaker, is something that has made me feel slightly anxious.

I can quite understand anyone who does want someone more experienced, of course.

As for the escort option - I'm less likely to go down that route now. As much as I was feeling that it was something I 'needed' to do before I hit 30, now I think, well, I've got this far...so what's another few months, year, two years or whatever. Hopefully I won't become a living manifestation of the 40 Year Old Virgin. 😂 I've (fingers crossed) got plenty of time before I get to that point!

It would be a short term fix, but as yourself and others have said, could only end up causing other problems for me later on.

I hope I can find someone as understanding as you - certainly my worry is that not everyone will be. But this thread has definitely given me a bit more hope, and helped to lift this weight off my shoulders.

I'm realising that this isn't something I should be as embarrassed or conscious about. I'm not going to go parading down the street loudly announcing I'm a virgin to the world, but I should just accept that it's a part of who I am at the moment.