Is it okay to miss someone who you wished was better?

[whatsthesenseinsharing]

Title kinda says it all!

First comes chemistry then character. The depths of his addictive lifestyle choices created a distance between us that impacted on me and the kids. I tried, gods knows I tried to go along with the bare minimum in the vain hope he'd change.

An official diagnosis of adult adhd was a welcomed relieved but it didn't stop tbr immature and selfish choices of a grown ass man. When you are part of a family you are meant to grow with the family, merge the needs and muckle in? It was like an individual amongst crew.

We were pregnant and despite having the thought of a termination we seen it through, or at least I did. His response to this was to go solo travel and find himself before baby arrived. His needs come first?

Now baby is here and I'm on my own with the baby and kids it's hard to not imagine what it would be like? Especially since I invested everything in it including my womb. I have no regrets, I just have so many's for people to be better. I guess I'll never know. Is it wrong to be sad over what you never had?

Totally normal.

I've met some amazing people who sadly pressed the self destruct button.

It's devastating.

100%. If anything it's harder because you want them to be different and can probably imagine what life would be like if they were 'better'. Be kind to yourself x

Completely normal, you’re currently grieving a life you thought you would have with this person.

For all the reasons you’ve said, it’s probably for the best you two are over. He’s not putting his child first, he’s ‘working’ on himself.

You can be happy it’s over but still sad about what you feel you missed out on.

Yes! It’s ok, and like the previous poster said, you’re grieving for the life you thought you were going to have ❤️

I'm like this with STBXDH
I really miss the man I thought he was
I miss what we could have had, and the life I planned
BUT it's not reality
And as time goes on I'm accepting that fact

For you OP

You can miss someone that wasn't good for you. Even dreadful people can have good parts of them, and it OK to miss that.

It's also possible to miss the idea of what you thought life would be like with someone, which sounds more like what you're feeling. You're not missing the person as such, but the idea of the family you could have been together

Every reply I connect with. Whilst I mother our son I'm not even sure he knows about, I am mourning a loss of what could've been. He's able to hold down a job and make a life for himself but it is very much for himself.

He always wanted a son. Just to walk away and not fight his affiliation with alcohol breaks my heart. They say everyone needs to hit rock bottom don't they? But only if you let yourself go there.

Do people in their 40's just still act like they've no responsibilities??

I've always a family since my first marriage collapsed. I've tried in vain to achieve that unit for the children (first husband died young). As much as it hurts I have to sit with this feeling of hurt and pain. I guess go on a journey without making further mistakes.

First day of autumn has me all nostalgic and curious about what was, what might become of me going solo and how I hope I've not let the children down.

I was in a similar situation with my son’s father. His addiction struggles/wanting to be at the pub all the time/being a man child (also in his 40s) versus me being a homebody/wanting an equal partnership etc was what broke us.

I still tell myself ‘if only he got help’ (that he promised time and time again he would) then things would’ve been perfect. But I have to remind myself that he chose not to, and things weren’t perfect, so I wanted something that had never existed, and was never going to.

I saw a post on insta recently that said something like ‘listen to their actions, not their words’. I probably worded that all wrong!

Ive found The Holistic Psychologist and Lovingmeafterwe on Insta really helpful. Especially posts on Peter Pan types and having to mother a partner.

I’m with you too. Been crying this evening because I miss the life I had before I split up with my ex. Not him as such, but the things we used to do together and the future I was looking forward to which is now gone.

I think it’s totally normal.

No one is all bad - there are things that we love about those who lead chaotic lives or have blatant flaws.

He asked if our child was born. Flippantly might I add... no sentiment to it. And it was on the back of me asking if his relative called at my house (ringdoor bell). Informing him and radio silence since. As I nurse our child my heart is shattered.... Who doesn't acknowledge their own child? Innocent baby?