Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally unavailable men

11 replies

Ionlywentandbloodydidit · 23/09/2023 11:48

Hi, I'm in my late fifties and experienced in marriage /relationships. My newish boyfriend of several months has no experience of either.
It's obvious he finds me attractive but is so shy about articulating his feelings and finds it very hard to pay compliments to the point he is quite brusque sometimes.
I am patient and kind but honestly it's beginning to wear a bit now.
Sex is great but I have to initiate it, in fact I have to initiate everything.
When I try to talk about it he just says he's been on his own a long time and doesn't want to scare me away by smothering me .
I know he's told his friends about me so he def wants a relationship.
I guess I just feel a little unloved .
Do men like this ever improve .

OP posts:
Lavenderlulu · 23/09/2023 11:59

He sounds quite inexperienced and possibly neurodiverse than the emotionally unavailable men I've met who could pull off basic relationship needs to attract women in short term at least.

Livelifelaughter · 24/09/2023 07:53

I read the title of your post and then thought "bet he is in his 50s". Honestly, been there done that. It's not just his behaviour it's the impact on you...I was with someone who was much the same, I met some friends but not others, when I look back on it, I never met his close friends who lived near by only ones he didn't see himself often, I didn't really get compliments...and also after the first 3 months I never felt secure, my anxiety hit the roof, it was exhausting. It's easy to think the good bit make it worth it, it's easy to make excuses for them, but at the end of the day you need to think about yourself.

anareen · 24/09/2023 08:16

How do you know he has no experience in either? Are you sure it's not an excuse to condone his behavior. No compliments or expressing his feelings? You have to initiate everything? It's only been a few months and you are feeling like this? This should be the hunny moon stage. The reasoning he is giving you is a load of crap. You mentioned you are patient and kind, he knows that. That's why he is doing these things.

The intention of this behavior is to make you start doubting yourself then you work harder and harder for their attention/approval etc before you know it you are apologizing for things you shouldn't be apologizing for. You will possibly get to a point where you are so sick of their crap you will be set on ending the relationship. At that time they will barely do some of the things you have been asking. They "throw you a bone" if you will. You forgive them. Start thinking things will get better but they don't. In fact they go back to the way they were before and probably worse. By that time you are hooked and they are literally depleting you of every resource to feed their selfish egos. That is the process of creating a "trauma bond". Eventually you realize you have found yourself in a narcissistic relationship.

So the answer to your question..... no they don't improve at all.

Also, him telling his friends about you doesn't always mean he wants a relationship. It is also a tactic used by toxic people. Do you know for a fact he has told his friends about you or did HE tell you that he told his friends about you.

Watchkeys · 24/09/2023 08:20

Why is your focus 'Do these men change?'

Why isn't your focus 'I'm unhappy in a new relationship, I have a list of reasons, and I feel unloved'?

category12 · 24/09/2023 08:33

Watchkeys · 24/09/2023 08:20

Why is your focus 'Do these men change?'

Why isn't your focus 'I'm unhappy in a new relationship, I have a list of reasons, and I feel unloved'?

This.

harerunner · 24/09/2023 08:42

What are you getting out of this relationship, apart from some decent sex which you have to initiate?

Apart from sex, you don't mention any redeeming features.

Loubelle70 · 24/09/2023 08:43

OP i had this for 25 years. If someone really wants you, fancies you, they will show it. My ex never complimented me, never initiated anything (i mean not 1 thing), barely helped round the house, never held my hand etc.. never initiated sex cuddles kisses etc. I was young when i got with him so thought it was normal for me to initiate. It resulted in a man who did nothing and i carried the whole relationship..i was exhausted.. mentally ill...low self esteem...etc. i did mention it but ot never changed. I finished it after 25 year... he was also a gaslighter, stonewaller etc. Its not good OP.

harerunner · 24/09/2023 08:44

And telling his friends doesn't mean much at all... just that he's not embarrassed by you, and not so unsure about you that he's on the verge of ending things.

TwilightSkies · 24/09/2023 08:47

You’ll end up drained in a relationship like this. You’ll be the one doing all the emotional labour.
It REALLY isn’t worth it.

Loubelle70 · 24/09/2023 08:48

anareen · 24/09/2023 08:16

How do you know he has no experience in either? Are you sure it's not an excuse to condone his behavior. No compliments or expressing his feelings? You have to initiate everything? It's only been a few months and you are feeling like this? This should be the hunny moon stage. The reasoning he is giving you is a load of crap. You mentioned you are patient and kind, he knows that. That's why he is doing these things.

The intention of this behavior is to make you start doubting yourself then you work harder and harder for their attention/approval etc before you know it you are apologizing for things you shouldn't be apologizing for. You will possibly get to a point where you are so sick of their crap you will be set on ending the relationship. At that time they will barely do some of the things you have been asking. They "throw you a bone" if you will. You forgive them. Start thinking things will get better but they don't. In fact they go back to the way they were before and probably worse. By that time you are hooked and they are literally depleting you of every resource to feed their selfish egos. That is the process of creating a "trauma bond". Eventually you realize you have found yourself in a narcissistic relationship.

So the answer to your question..... no they don't improve at all.

Also, him telling his friends about you doesn't always mean he wants a relationship. It is also a tactic used by toxic people. Do you know for a fact he has told his friends about you or did HE tell you that he told his friends about you.

This

Missflowers1981 · 24/09/2023 10:42

I read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl and it was shockingly accurate. It’s made try to find the strength this time to really end it. It’s incredibly common.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page