My DD's father abused her

[Devastated22]

I have all these feelings running through me at speed and I don't know how to process this.

My DD is 16 and yesterday she confided in me that when she was around 8 years of age, her father sexually abused her and also allowed some of his friends to do this to her.

For context, we separated when I was pregnant and he was mostly absent from her life. Popping in and out over the years. For the most part she didn't see him but there were a couple of periods when she would for around 6 months to a year at a time and would stay overnight/weekends fortnightly.

He is narcissistic, unreasonable and outright difficult. He never attempted to co-parent in harmony and for that reason I didn't really want to encourage a relationship between them. However, as she got older, she wanted to know him and he wanted to know her (so he said) so we started the gentle process of re-introduction between them.

She was always excited when she got to see him but she'd be more excited come home again. I'd always ask her how her weekend was; she never said anything that indicated what was happening to her. She would say that maybe she was bored or that he would be arguing with someone and became moody so I put it down to that.

I did notice a change in her behaviour and character, but then she was also being bullied at school. Interventions were put in place and when that didn't work, I changed her school and then eventually she was homeschooled where she was much happier.

For years I had been trying to get to the bottom of her struggles and her inability to form and maintain friendships. She is under CAMHS due to mental health difficulties; self harming and suicide attempts. Even with all the resources available to her, she wasn't thriving. I have turned myself inside out and upside down to support her and it has been breaking my heart to see her struggling. I managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist next month because I was thinking that perhaps she needs a little help with antidepressants.

So over the past couple of weeks, since her last suicide attempt, I have been wracking my brains going back to when her change in character began. I asked her if she could remember what happened back then but all she said was that was when the bullying at school started.

But yesterday she told me what he had done to her and now it all makes sense. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach when she told me but I stayed calm and let her talk. I also asked her what she would like to happen next and she said that she doesn't want to do anything for fear of repercussions. He told her that he would kill me if she told anyone and she still has this fear. Although right now I would welcome his attempt so I can slice the bastards throat!

He was a lot of things but THAT never entered my head.

From when she was young I always explained to her how to keep herself safe and that no one was allowed to touch her and vice versa, and if it were to happen she must tell me. The irony is, I told her that sometimes people will force you to keep a secret by threatening to hurt a loved one but not to believe it. But she did believe it and I can't blame her because I was all she had in the world.

I am holding it together, only just. And by that I mean I have not jumped into my car to find the bastard yet. My priority is to help my daughter through this awful trauma, I know that, but what do I do with all these feelings of shock, rage, sadness? What do I do with it? I can't display this in front of my daughter but it will destroy me if I don't let it out.

What help can I get for my daughter? Advice here would be most appreciated.

Omg this is so terrible and shocking. You sound a lovely mum. Im so glad that eventually she opened up to you. You need some professional advice here. I hope eventually your dd feels able to talk about this with the police/camhs. I do hope he gets whats coming to him (and his “friends”)

I am so so sorry this has happened to your daughter. I’m also sorry for what you’re going through right now.

I don’t have any advice around support, has she disclosed to anyone else before? I assume if she had her counsellor would have broken confidentiality to report. NSPCC may be a good place to start, I know she is legally an adult now but they may be able to signpost?

I wish you both well x

Bloody hell OP that is awful for both of you. I am so sorry.

Someone with actual knowledge will hopefully be along soon, but in the meantime I just want to tell you that you sound like an incredible mum who has been doing all the right things for years.

You've got a month before her psychiatrist appointment, which gives both of you time to process. I would hope that she would disclose this abuse to the psychiatrist as it will aid her care, but that may take some gentle encouragement.

In the meantime, what can you do to keep both of you safe? Take the lead from her, it’s her disclosure and it sounds like you’ve handled it perfectly.

what do you need right now? Have a good think about that. Take care OP xx

I would tell the police.

He and his friends could be doing it to other children.

They need to be locked up.

It might probably be really distressing for your dd to have to tell police the story, but it also might give her some closure especially if he gets charged. They are trained to listen sensitively.

Edit: I should have started with - I'm so, so sorry this happened. It's not your fault

I'm so sorry op, your poor little girl.

You're an amazing mum who is supporting your DD please take time for yourself.

As for your feelings, I completely understand, can you seek therapy? Maybe a trip to your GP?

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful shock for you. And your poor DD carrying this with her. My abuser told me that my mum would have a heart attack and die if I told her. I was terrified of her ever finding out.

Is your DD still under CAMHS? Would she agree to a session where both of you talk to her counsellor, assuming she hasn't yet told them what happened? You would then have strong support in place for her and you, and a realistic idea of what reporting might involve.

Please do not pressure your DD in any way to report. She is still in massive fear and I'm very impressed that she told you, with the threats from her abuser towards you. She's been incredibly brave so far and you are obviously a wonderful mum if she's felt secure enough to open up to you. It will take some time before she's ready to think about police involvement, it may happen further down the line once she's put down the burden of silence which the abuser placed on her.

Will be thinking of you both

If he and his ‘friends’ got together to abuse your daughter then it sounds like a pedophile ring. There are most likely others who have been abused. Your daughter needs support. Try the NSPCC. You can call them yourself even if your daughter is not yet ready. As she is 16, I wouldn’t go to the police without her agreement though as she will lose trust in you. However I would strongly encourage her to do so. You sound like a really good mum and have supported her so much over the years. She was frightened to tell you when she was younger but obviously now she’s older she has told you. To tell you, she must have known you would believe her, so this says so much for your relationship. Stay strong 💐

If she wants to report it, then support her, but don't push for it. There's no time limit on reporting so she has the rest of his life to consider it. Reporting is a traumatic and gruelling process and may not result in a prosecution, let alone conviction.

I would seek counselling/support for yourself and her individually. We Stand supports non-abusing parents and children.

This is bad bad advice.

The last thing her daughter needs right now is someone piling on the guilt,she's not responsible for their actions, making her feel she fould have 'saved' others is not beneficial.

She shouldn't be forced to talk to anyone she doesn't want to. The criminal process is difficult and awful for the victim.

Let your daughter speak to you naturally, don't forget it. She can disclose to a therapist without the identities so she can begin to process it all. She needs trauma therapy.

Wishing you all the best

I'm so sorry this has happened. Op please take comfort if you can in the fact she has confided in you. It sounds like your response was perfect, you believed her and listened. If you dd is willing to share this with CAMHS they can signpost you both to some formal support. Please take care of yourself too, its a shock and an awful thing to face.

A trivial but important thing - write down what she said to you while it is still as close to her saying it as possible. Sign and date it (possibly photograph it so there is a date stamp on the photo) and put it somewhere safe.

Do the same every time she discloses any further information to you.

If at any future point she wants to take this further with the authorities, those disclosures to you can form part of her overall evidence.

The NSPCC was ime very helpful on historic abuse (not of me, but I was involved in the disclosure) and can support you as well as your DD.

You might find this helpful: https://westand.org.uk/helpline

She is only a child but you need to speak to her about reporting the incident as others are at risk. You need to think it is likely social services will get involved due to the harm and likely to trigger a S47 enquiry and you need to show how you have protected her. I know people might think I am harsh but this is the reality. If she discloses to services they are duty bound to report I think talking to NSPCC is a good starting point. I wish you both all the luck in the world

Thank you all so much for your guidance and kind words. I can't tell you how sick I've been feeling all day.
My anxiety had been building up to the point I began physically shaking so I went to see my best friend this evening for a couple of hours. To tell her was so hard, I couldn't actually say all the words but the little I did say, she understood. I used the time to cry and wail...a lot. We did a lot of talking and she did her best to soothe me so by the time I got home, I had my game face back on for my daughter.
I still just can't believe we are living this nightmare. My poor daughter has been living with this for so long. She is so brave and I'm so proud of her. I thanked her for trusting me with her burden and promised that she will be supported and loved always.
And do you know what else angers me? He KNEW that I was moving heaven and earth to get to the bottom of her struggles. He knew that I'd paid small fortunes in therapy, self-help resources, etc (he never paid child support). He knew I was having sleepless nights for worrying. He knew ALL of this. And all the while he allowed me to turn myself inside out to try and help my daughter knowing I was barking up the wrong tree and blaming ME for her struggles. As far as he was concerned he was not responsible for any of her problems because he was absent for most of her life. This said in a text from him 3 years ago. How can someone be so badly deluded, so evil and manipulative? How can a parent be so completely devoid of the need to protect and care for their child? How can anyone live with themselves for hurting children?

I just can't imagine the pain you are in. Sending lots of strength to you ❤️ your daughter is incredibly brave x

My brother disclosed to me about 2 years ago that a family friend had sexually abused him from the age of 10-14. The abuser was a man trusted by my parents who used to visit and stay in our family home for periods of time. It was, as you say, like a kick in the guts at the time, but also strangely comforting to know that there was a reason for by brother's marked change of character aged 10 and his subsequent depression and anxiety, and a reason why he struggles to build or maintain relationships.

I carried an overwhelming sense of guilt because I was older (by 4 years) and knew inherently that something was off with this man from the outset. I've had to have therapy to be able to move on from blaming myself, and to work though feelings of resentment toward my parents who I felt had utterly failed my brother. It's now clear that this man targeted and groomed my parents for the express purpose of having access to my brother. They are as much victims of a calculated and skilled pedophile as my brother is. It's heartbreaking and we are all working on moving past it all together.

No advice other than to talk and listen to trusted people, and look after yourself to be able to stay strong for your DD ❤️