Are mothers really so important? Are grandparents just as "important" as parents?

[genia]

or is this a myth? I see my ds getting on very well with everyone around him and forming real bonds the longer he spends with them (he is one). He loves my dad and dh's mum. He adores dh. Is Mummy really the be all and end all that we are sometimes lead to believe? I have to get my head around this one because I am finding myself jealous of the relationship he is developing with dh's Mum. She plays in a lovely way with him and he will actually sit next to her on the couch. I don't know, dh and I are always rushing around (in my case looking after him, getting his meals etc...) and don't seem to have the time or inclination to play with him in that way (though obviously we do interact in other ways!).
I really want to be his "number one" - is this a bit sick? Probably says more about me and my lack of self-esteem than anything else... I certainly don't want to be one of these overbearing needy mothers whose offspring cannot wait to get away from!

It is so inevitable though, isn't it? who else is going to do everything for them, not their fathers.. My DD adores all grandparents & certainly prefers my mum to me, but then who is gagging to read books with her over & over & over, cook with her, go thru her jewellery box with her for hours, not me! I'm very glad she spends time with my parents cos she gets a lot more attention than she would stuck at home with me. But I'm pretty sure of who she will want when she is tired/ill etc.

Your ds is enjoying forming happy bonds with adults because he has already done so successfully with you and dh, Genia. You've given him the confidence and nascent self-esteem he needs to approach other adults positively. He can do this because he expects unconditional affection back.
Beloved parents will always be no 1 in a child's life, be sure of that.
It is well documented that grandparents, with their slower, patient, been-there-once-already approach, are a great success with small children. That's if they are willing to take a real interest - you are lucky to have that.
I do know how you feel, from a different perspective: I had to go back to work when ds was quite small and although I had no financial alternative, the idea of ds forming bonds with other people in this way churned me up. But I soon realised that, just as parents don't have a finite amount of love to expend on more than one child, so children, with the right start in life, can love many important adults too.
By sharing your ds with other family members, even though you find it a wrench, you are priming him emotionally to enjoy making friends. And that will really help him just a couple of years down the line.

I agree with Eowyn how children always seem to gravitate to mum when they need some tender loving care!!

However, don't settle for always being the "dull" parent - especially if you feel that you're being forced into that role. Leave the dishes rotting in the sink until dh gets home, beg grandma to do the ironing, spend half an hour doing some fun stuff with the kids. That way you get to be the "interesting" parent too and the other carers get some of the "drudgery".

I really value the bond that my kids have with their Grandparents. I'm a single Mum so I feel it's really important that they have as much contact with family as possible. Fortunately my parents live close by and we see them several times a week.

As far as drudgery goes - well everything's down to me. I don't have anyone else to help me out - so I live in chaos. I prioritise the kids over the housework. My Mum is always complaining that my place is a mess, but I'd rather take the time to sit and play with the kids while they're young, than spend all my time being a cleaner.

My mother's been living with us while her house is renovated and my ds is besotted with her. The other day I took him up for his nap while he sobbed 'ganma, ganma!' all the way up the stairs. Oh, I felt good, not. Still I love his loving nature, I love the fact that she worships him as much as I do (only person I can have really long conversations about his brilliance with - even dh gets fed up eventually) and that she reads to him, plays with him while I sit down with a copy of Living Etc. My dh resents it more than me, but I suppose that's natural too.

Mum will always be number one. I was brought up by my grandparents, but mum, when she made an appearance, was stil very much number one.
As for the housework-drudgery thing, I worried about this until a friend with older children reassured me that they do notice who makes their life nice. Mum is usually the one they will run to when they really need someone.

When I was small my mum and dad ran their own business, and my mum had to work long hours. My brother and I were looked after by a nanny and my grandmother. I liked the nanny, adored my grandmother, but I remember very clearly that when the chips were down I wanted my mum - she was definitely number one for me and my brother.

My eldest nephew adored his granny, until he hit the teenage years, when he wants the person who can ferry him around, iron his clothes, get his tea ready in between being out with his mates & before the match starts - ie his mum

genia,

I felt a bit like you in the first few months after dd was born, I was doing all the feeding nappy changing bathing, while dh and mil would snatch her from me that moment all the above was done to let me rest/do the shopping/cooking etc... as if I cared!!!!!

I always try to make time to have fun with dd, maybe during a nappy change (just saying silly things to her) or a bath. I don't have the patience dh or my mother have to do endlessely repetitive games, simply because I'm always aware of all the other things that need to be done, while they're only there to entertain dd. But I also make sure dh shares in the boring tasks, like feeding, changing, dressing up whenever possible, so she understands we are interchangeable.
She might prefer dh or other relatives to play with, but when she's tired, sick, or simply wants a cuddle she tends to look for mum.
Which is nice, but can be tedious as well, when she's ill and wakes up every half hour at night, I don't want to be teh only one to go to her!!! (she's now happy with either of us going to reassure her)

Genia
I wouldn't worry too much, it's also an age thing, my dd went through a daddy phase too, but at one point she was so clingy to me that I felt like a mother koala with her on my hip all the time.....It's always healhty that a baby forms attachments with other adults too (for the baby and IMO for the mother too), but I'm no one replaces mum whern they're in need of a cuddle!!!!