Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texts

18 replies

creditdraper · 22/09/2023 14:58

Ok, so my husband asked me to use his phone to reply to a contact as he was up to his arms painting the sitting room.
After doing that for him I noticed very long texts had been going on between him and a woman friend. They both have a similar hobby. He sends her photos and she sends him photos but by email, so I never get to see them. He sent one by text of him in his dressing gown though with our cat.That seemed weird, but he often makes jokes about stroking someone’s pussy and seems to find it funny.
DH arranges to see her and her DP each month and the four of us always meet up for lunch or a meal. However, I really don’t have anything in common with them and they haven’t with me either. They seem lovely however. She is really my husband’s type and they get on very well. He always arranges the meetings but never consults or asks me when it is suitable for me, only asks her. He said in one text, “ 16th or 23rd is fine for us and we are free” He doesn’t know that as he doesn’t bother asking me!
Further down his messages list I saw that he and another woman friend had been texting each other but he had hidden the texts. It just said that
(DH name )is texting with (her name) on such and such a date.
Am I getting worked up over nothing? If I ask him he will just accuse me of snooping. I wasn’t, it was just there to be seen.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 15:00

Maybe it's because I don't work in corporate, but messaging through email is a waving, wailing red flag to me. Do people do this outside of work?

Original poster
creditdraper · 22/09/2023 15:03

I used to email friends but not any more. It’s more on messenger or by text if I need to say something.

OP posts:
Aprilrosesews · 22/09/2023 15:23

Husband asked me to use his phone

so either he has nothing to hide or he thinks you wouldn’t look through or he knows the texts are PG cause the naughty stuff is in the email.

He sends her photos and she sends him photos but by email
If you know there’s photos are they not taking about what’s in the photos so you can gauge what’s in them?

he often makes jokes about stroking someone’s pussy and seems to find it funny.
to you and/or other people? If he makes them to everyone I wouldn’t worry about it

he and another woman friend had been texting each other but he had hidden the texts.
massive red flag for me unless she’s a mutual friend and could be helping with a surprise for you?

Personally it’s wouldn’t be enough for me to confront my DH, I would give it another couple days and fine an opportunity to snoop again

StonwEd · 22/09/2023 15:29

I’m trying to imagine any scenario my husband texts another woman a picture of himself in his dressing gown, with a cat and talks about stroking a pussy where I wouldn’t ram his phone up his arse whilst filing for divorce 🤮
Do people in happy relationships do this? Is it ok?
Raise your standards, it’s disrespectful at best, at worst he’s cheating or intending to…

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/09/2023 15:46

@StonwEd 👏👏👏

JoanThursday1972 · 22/09/2023 15:57

He's immensely childish and sleazy, too.

LifeExperience · 22/09/2023 17:07

I don't know if it's a full-blown affair, but at the very least they have an inappropriate emotional relationship. The secrecy gives it away.

Cleopatra234 · 22/09/2023 18:12

I feel for you. This seams to happen all too often. I have had a similar stiuation recently where i found texts on partners phone from a woman hes never mentioned, they seamed very close and had been talking/ messaging lots.
I would encourage you to talk to your partner in a rational way as otherwise you feelings and suspicions will eat you up. You will gage a lot from his reaction. When i confronted my partner, he was very understanding, let me read all the messages (i had only seen small snipps of the messages initially) HE gave me his phone without hesitation, explained everything that i had concerns about, and didnt get angry at me once for snooping or for being paranoid. Hes told me i can ring her aswell. Im satisfied nothing is going on now, but im still struggling a bit with it. I dont understand the secrecy. But again we have talked, i have told him how i feel about it all, and actually our relationship has changed for the better.
I would definately not be happy about the 'hidden messages' though. He shouldnt be hiding things like that. I would ask for an explination and ask to see the messages if he can unhide them. Dont let him make you feel like your overeacting. If theres nothing going on he will be open about everything and give you a full explanation amd shouldnt get angry at you, he should want to reassure you and make sure you are ok with it all. Good luck!

Chelsea543 · 22/09/2023 18:51

What are the messages and photos they are sending over email? I think it is very odd and certainly seems to be crossing a boundary but how much of a line they have crossed it’s hard to tell. Also from your message is it two women he’s messaging? Clearly he is enjoying the attention and fun of hiding it from you but also secretly shoving it in your face by inviting you out with these “friends.”

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 18:57

Don't be a cool dw op. Be a mad one. He is happily having his ego stroked elsewhere.. Won't be long before it's more than just his ego. Rip him a new one tonight.

Cas112 · 22/09/2023 18:58

Even if it wasn't a full blown affair he is still being very very very disrespectful to you, it's just all very inappropriate

honeyrain · 22/09/2023 19:07

😂😂 some of these replies.

I don't think you need to file for divorce on these grounds as other pps have suggested (surprise surprise)

I think if you wanted to confront him without looking like you've been rifling through his texts then try and open his messages in front of him (say if someone messages him whilst you're there and he's busy again) and just casually ask him what the messages are about.

I mean you could just outright ask him if you're worried.

I think it sounds fairly innocent given he's open with you having access etc!

Not all men are cheating bastards.

I don't think the pussy joke is that offensive/vile as some others think!

Keep us posted OP!! Hopefully it's all nothing!! X

booboo24 · 23/09/2023 17:50

I have to agree with @honeyrain the pussy joke is pretty standard, my mum always asks people where her pussy is, but she's a huge Are You Being Served fan!

The texts and emails don't seem bad and he's openly handing his phone over. The fact he's hiding it isn't great but I wouldn't suggest kicking him to the kerb yet. I hope this turns out to be innocent

booboo24 · 23/09/2023 17:53

Just re read sorry, so.....! The couple friend it wouldn't bother me, the hidden ones would definitely have me doing so digging, but I wouldn't jump straight to affair yet

firstmummy2019 · 23/09/2023 19:33

Are these text messages on an iphone. If so, deleted messages are now saved for 30 days in the newest ios. Open up messages and click on the edit button. Then recently deleted messages.

Original poster
creditdraper · 23/09/2023 21:11

No not an iphone@firstmummy2019 an android

OP posts:
Ithh · 23/09/2023 21:21

i think it’s odd that he would freely ask you to use his phone if he had something to hide.

SofiYol · 23/09/2023 22:52

I was leaning towards innocent until you mentioned hidden messages.

Why would he need to hide innocent messages? Either way, he is emotionally investing in another woman, I would definitely speak to him about it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page