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Original poster

Living separately

23 replies

MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:15

Hello beautiful people

I'm wondering if anyone has a successful relationship living in separate homes? I'm currently living with my boyfriend and I have a son. My boyfriend does not work so he's home all day.

I work from home so we spend a lot of time together. At first I was ok with that he is amazing to be around. He is like my best friend, but lately I've been thinking about our future and from what he's showed me I don't see us being successful.

When we first got into a relationship he was working. I never wanted to ask for anything so I took care of all my financial responsibilities. If he offered to pay for my nails or got food for the night I was grateful.

But more often than not ive been the big spender And honestly I'm tired. We need stability and he's not providing that. I keep saying I don't wanna give up on this but we're heading into year 3 and I'm the only provider and have been for a while.

He helps around the house washing clothes and vacuuming doing dishes. Not to sound unappreciative, but before meeting him I did all those things on my own while working. What we need is extra income.

I feel that if I'm paying all the bills I can just stay on my own. I've coddled him and he's comfortable not working, letting me pay all the bills, providing him with food etc. I love him and I want this to work but he won't even get a temporary job, fast food job.

If he loves us and cares the way he says he should get up and bring in money. He's applying for jobs and went to a job fair but nothing is coming through.

We have our disagreements bc I love my home the way it is. He likes to move things and when I don't agree bc I like things the way they are he stops talking. My home is my sanctuary and I don't feel like I should have to constantly tell him how I want my space.

I've said we should live separately and he said it's not going to work. I'm well aware that he'll be back home with his parents but they're better off that me. They can afford to pay the bills without help. And buy food every 4 days.

However, I can not... I get paid well but not to take care of another grown person. I do well for my son and myself. But lately I'm finding my bank account getting lower and lower bc the bills are so much more.

I don't have much time to myself I'm up until maybe 1 am bc that the only time I get to do what I want in my home when everyone has gone to bed. It's starting to upset me.

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 22/09/2023 14:19

Why are you putting up with this?

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 14:22

Your relationship probably won’t survive living separately, but it won’t survive like this either.

He is a grown man and needs to contribute financially. If he refuses to do so, he needs to leave.

This is your home, your sons home, and you need to put yourself first.

Olika · 22/09/2023 14:23

Tell him to get his own place and start providing for himself. It's not your job to do so. If your relationship doesn't take it then it's not worth it. Stop enabling him.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:24

We do. It really works for us as we each have our own space and finances. We have a schedule with the kids over night so we both get decent down time and we have family time and date nights. Honestly I really recommend it. We have houses a short walk from each other so oldest can now come and go to each as he pleases.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/09/2023 14:28

He’s a freeloader and will live off you for as long as you let him, OP. Please find someone who likes you enough to share the work and pay his way.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/09/2023 14:30

Got yourself a cocklodger there!! How can you respect him as a partner when he isn’t helping you and ‘letting’ you pay all the bills. Don’t live separately kick him to the curb

AuntieDolly · 22/09/2023 14:31

Why isn't he working?

Original poster
MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:31

HappyHedgehog247 · 22/09/2023 14:19

Why are you putting up with this?

I care and I want to make this work but all I'm seeing is me breaking my back in the future to provide.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:33

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:24

We do. It really works for us as we each have our own space and finances. We have a schedule with the kids over night so we both get decent down time and we have family time and date nights. Honestly I really recommend it. We have houses a short walk from each other so oldest can now come and go to each as he pleases.

I feel it may help he has his space I have mine we can do what we want.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:34

AuntieDolly · 22/09/2023 14:31

Why isn't he working?

He lost his job months back and I've been helping the beat way I can doing applications for him. Telling him about hiring even but nothing is coming in

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 22/09/2023 14:39

MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:34

He lost his job months back and I've been helping the beat way I can doing applications for him. Telling him about hiring even but nothing is coming in

Show quote history

Why are you doing applications for him? It’s his responsibility and he literally has nothing else to do.

You have a cocklodger. This situation is mad. End it and then take some time to figure out why you thought it was acceptable in the first place.

SamW98 · 22/09/2023 14:41

My sister was with her ex for 17 years and they never lived together. I think it’s the way forward for me if we meet anyone else now.

However from your OP I think living separately or together is the last of your relationship problems tbh.

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 14:42

You’re mothering him. Stop it.

This isn’t an equal partnership and you’re breaking your back to try and make it work, why? What is he doing to make it work?

Tapacaminos · 22/09/2023 14:54

He´s draining you not just financially but emotionally too. I agree with others who say to stop mothering him. Stop trying to fix him. Stop enabling him.
If he really wanted a job, he would have one by now. Also, from what you say, he is invading your space (your sanctuary) by changing things, not sharing it. And, even worse, he gives you the silent treatment when you pull him up on it.
Regards continuing the relationship but living separately, that can work well for a lot of couples. In your case, it seems you would be better off completely out of the relationship.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:57

MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 14:33

I feel it may help he has his space I have mine we can do what we want.

Show quote history

This is why it works for us. :)

Original poster
MakenzieW · 22/09/2023 15:16

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 14:42

You’re mothering him. Stop it.

This isn’t an equal partnership and you’re breaking your back to try and make it work, why? What is he doing to make it work?

I care and love him so I've tried. But atp I can't be the only one trying.

He's not doing much I figured eventually he'll get on his feet

OP posts:
SofiYol · 22/09/2023 15:28

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 14:57

This is why it works for us. :)

Show quote history

But I assume you’ve never lived together?

Its entirely different to go from living together, to someone saying they’re unhappy and don’t want to live together any longer but wishes to continue the relationship? It’s a step back, and doesn’t bode well.

I still think this isn’t the biggest problem in the OPs relationship, and she should kick this “man” out and move on.

ACertainKindOfLight · 22/09/2023 15:35

You give and he takes.
I raised my kids fine on my own, men just add to the mayhem and you pay a high price in other ways just so your more financially secure.
I would much rather be less well off but solely responsible for everything in my life and live on my own terms.
Like the saying goes "If it takes away your peace of mind it's not worth it".

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/09/2023 16:04

By allowing him to treat you like an atm, cleaner and let’s admit it a mug you are setting a terribly low bar for your kids and any relationships they might have. Dump the loser and think about getting some counselling , about why you feel you aren’t worthy of a happy healthy respectful relationship

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:42

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 15:28

But I assume you’ve never lived together?

Its entirely different to go from living together, to someone saying they’re unhappy and don’t want to live together any longer but wishes to continue the relationship? It’s a step back, and doesn’t bode well.

I still think this isn’t the biggest problem in the OPs relationship, and she should kick this “man” out and move on.

Show quote history

We lived together for 10 years. :) we decided to live apart again during lockdown because it suddenly became suffocating having us both in the house all the time. Honestly best decision we made for our relationship as it fixed almost all our problems which were all bickers about who had or hadn't washed up, or clothes drying, or how paying for stuff should work all those mundane irritations have now gone as my space is mine and his is his and he can spend his money on what he likes and so can I. And I can choose to wash up it leave it and so can he, and I can not put my clothes in a dryer to ruin them and he can ruin all his clothes with out mine etc.

Bananalanacake · 22/09/2023 20:51

My rule is I never live with a boyfriend unless we have kids together, try it. Decent men will respect your boundaries and not push to move in.

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 21:09

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:42

We lived together for 10 years. :) we decided to live apart again during lockdown because it suddenly became suffocating having us both in the house all the time. Honestly best decision we made for our relationship as it fixed almost all our problems which were all bickers about who had or hadn't washed up, or clothes drying, or how paying for stuff should work all those mundane irritations have now gone as my space is mine and his is his and he can spend his money on what he likes and so can I. And I can choose to wash up it leave it and so can he, and I can not put my clothes in a dryer to ruin them and he can ruin all his clothes with out mine etc.

Edited
Show quote history

Ahh I see, sorry I didn’t realise you had previously lived together. I’m glad it worked for you 😊

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 21:19

SofiYol · 22/09/2023 21:09

Ahh I see, sorry I didn’t realise you had previously lived together. I’m glad it worked for you 😊

Show quote history

Thanks 🙂

Tbh I think alot of people assumed our relationship was over when we did it but it's really worked out for us.

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