How to deal with toxic mum while pregnant HELP.

[HNatasha]

so sorry for the long post!
Hi everyone, just looking for some advice with how to deal with this toxic situation with my mum as it is taking over my life. Im so upset that this has been my pregnancy experience so far during a time that I should be enjoying.
I am currently 23 weeks pregnant. All is going well however I had been sent to the delivery suite recently for monitoring due to stress. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage 2 years ago most likely due to the high stress/distress I was in daily at the time due to my mum’s behaviour towards me (of course I am aware this cannot be proven).

Just a background my mum is originally from the Philippines. My siblings live in the Philippines so growing up it has always been me and my mum in the UK. My father was an alcoholic and who also physically abused my mum during my childhood.
I had to grow up very quickly and I have always been my mums mum, always puting her first before myself/anyone. I resolve all of her problems and sort anything out for her that a normal adult would be expected to do themselves (for example using my own money to pay ££THOUSANDS off her many debts that come to my house, applying for her work pension filling out forms, sorting out her medication etc) any consequences from her actions I have always had to resolve and deal with.

I am now 26, married and have been with my husband for 10 years. My mum has made sure she comes first and its like shes in my relationship. Although he thinks its toxic and not a healthy relationship my husband has always understood that I have to help my mum and has been so supportive over the years.
My mum now lives in the philippines as she is retired and lives with my family but my “role” as her mum still has not changed alongside her demands and behaviour.
She is very negative and is always the victim. She has no idea about me my interests and only asks about me to gain info that will make her look good to others. She made me cry at my wedding because it wasnt all about her, every conversation is all about her and her problems and she is obsessed with money. Its just exhausting.
She is expecting to come back to live with me and my husband before I give birth in preparation to look after my baby. The thing is, I dont want her to and there is no where for her to stay. She is expecting to sleep on our sofa or for me to buy her a put up bed to go into my dressing room both of which I have said no too. This did not go down very well. Without sounding horrible, the thought fills me with dread as I wanted this time to be for me and my husband to spend with our newborn and not for me to gain a 2nd child who I will be expected to run around after, travel to london to sort out passports and documents etc post partum and accomodate first. It is my priority to ensure my children are not exposed to toxic behaviour and do not have the same childhood as me. My baby and husband now have to be my priority which she does not understand and has tried to make me feel very guilty over via many abusive messages and phonecalls all to get her own way. She also likes to add in lots of irrelevant stuff regarding her “sacrifice” as a mother and money etc which I couldnt care less about I have my own job and have been self sufficient since a teenager. My husband has understandably had enough and had a very angry phone call with my mum about how she treats me. Im nearing 30 and have never had the chance to live my life my way. If I let my life continue in this way my marriage will most likely end in divorce.
I love my mum but we have now not spoken for a week and she has been blocked as advised by everyone around me even my siblings for my own sanity and pregnancy. This cant last forever and I will need to talk to her eventually.
Any advice or words of wisdom are much appreciated thank you!

unplug your phone. Like for real. Stop answering, have someone else check in with her when she calls you. She is alive breathing. She is fine.

I would keep her blocked and ask your husband to help you keep her away. Make sure he knows how appreciative you are that he's sticking up for you. She needs to know that if she turns up, she won't be let in to your house (get someone else to pass that message on). You're right that your priority must be your baby and husband so for the baby's sake, you need to be as healthy (body & mind) as possible. Removing her from your life is the most positive thing you can do for your baby, yourself and your marriage. You don't have to talk to her 'eventually' if you don't want to.

Its like looking in the mirror, everything you said is almost as though you're writing about me. Only difference is were south asian. Its easy to feel guilty for putting yourself first (never feel guilty for that), I struggled with saying no to my mum for so long, almost felt as though i was letting her down. But since i became pregnant (currently 8 weeks), ive let her know in the nicest way that i still care for her but need to focus on myself first, set your boundaries, so she knows where you stand. There's nothing wrong with that. My mum called me last week as i was violently throwing up, i said mum im not feeling well can i call you back, she didn't even ask if I was ok, she said "ok thats fine but can you text your sister and get her to reply to me", i was shooketh! 😂. I said no I can't sorry as you can see i need to sort myself out.

Its a tricky one when youve been your "mums mum", trust me i know. But once she knows you can't be there all the time she will adjust, and there's nothing wrong with that either x

I just want to add, if you've said no and she still is being aggressive and rude over the phone then you're best bet is to disconnect for however long you feel you need. Again youve tried everything and you do need to focus on yourself too, you deserve to look after yourself xx

You clearly value your own family life and so you need to protect it. Your husband sounds wonderful and to protect your family life you need to let go of your mum. She has been a draining influence on your life and well being.
She is more than capable of making her own way in life.

Everyone around you is telling you to ignore her , the problem here is your guilt.

Block her on every communication platform.

Your baby is your priority now OP.

Not your mum.

This

Oh OP please don't let your Mum ruin your child's life as she has yours

You owe your mum NOTHING. Keep her away from your family, ask DH to help your resolve.

OP why can't blocking her last forever? Why will you HAVE to speak to her eventually?

Neither of these things seem necessary to me.

Look up covert narcissism.

Not that having a name for it helps. The reality is she was and is a shit parent and is emotionally abusive.

Look at everything you've written here. This is no way to live. Your child deserves a happy mum.

She's not even in the country anymore. Time to cut those ties and let her grow up. I'm with your husband. Glad he has your back.

Block. You even say your miscarriage might have been linked to the immense stress she put you under.

Block. For your and your baby's health.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Put your baby first, listen to your husband’s advice, and tune out your mother. She doesn’t get to call all the shots any more - your little baby is more important than her.

Keep her blocked and no longer let her into your life in any way, shape or form.

You owe her nothing, least of all a relationship and it’s not possible to have a relationship with someone as abusive and disordered of thinking as your mother is. Drop the rope here that she holds out to you.

You can absolutely keep her blocked. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone you have to accept that they are toxic and cannot have a place in your life, I know that’s hard but for the sake of your unborn child I would be very reluctant to allow your mum to have an impact on their upbringing. Your mum expects to come first and will continue to do so, including above your own child.

Keep her blocked op. Buy a cheap pay as you go phone. Check in with her once a week of you really can't go nc. . If she gets abusive you end the call. You make no plans for her to stay or visit. If necessary blame dh for not allowing any guests.

Well you need to grow a backbone and make a choice: husband + baby or your mum?

If I were you I would prioritise your own family and stand up to her.

The answer to the question of her staying with you is: No.

It’s as simple as that.

By the way Im nearing 30 and have never had a chance to live my life my way.

This isn’t true, you’ve always had the chance, you didn’t take it that’s all. Kowtowing to your mum is a choice not a necessity.

You have to put yourself first , your baby is your priority and you need to be as healthy and relaxed as you can be.
Your siblings will pass on any essential info to you.
You could send a “Round Robin” type message once a week. Stick to facts DH is busy at work, I enjoyed a shopping trip to X, healthwise all is well, etc… use text or email so they ( and your mum) get the info but she can’t get abusive.

Wishing you well with your pregnancy.

I'd say at least 8 months then evaluate but you don't have to let her in and if you do it can be on your terms.