Should I leave my husband

[legan08]

Long story don't know where to start 😪

I've been married for 10 years and the last 2 years have been really hard.

I found out that my husband had signed up to a website for married people to have discreet fun. He said it was just online chat and he never planned to meet up with anyone. He said he was seeking attention and affirmation that he was still attractive (he is 45) we adopted a little girl the year before and it was in lockdown. He said he didn't feel himself and that he had anxiety.

We moved passed it but I haven't been able to regain trust. A few other things have come up since where he has liked sexy pictures of girls online via twitter u found out and he deleted the app. I've recently found the same thing on his Instagram.

We recently went to a family festival and I found out he took mushrooms. I didn't find out until a week later after I saw a message to his friend talking about how I never suspected what he had done. The message was asking for more mushrooms so he can take on his next fishing trip. I explained I wasn't happy with that especially as we have a young daughter. He said he just wants to do it the once. He used drugs in his younger years and to my knowledge he hasn't done throughout our relationship.

We recently discussed separation and bottom line our sex life has always been strained more so because we have dogs and its near on impossible to get time along. He then discussed swinging which I initially happy to entertain but then realised absolutely not for me. Maybe I was desperate to find a way to make it work.

I've now been upfront and asked him to fully process what he wants in life and can he been 100% honest going forward. Last week he said he didn't know that he could be. Yesterday he has now said that he wants me and only me and that he doesn't want to swing and will only focus on me and now is sure that he can be faithful.

Problem is I don't know if I can trust him. I haven't been able to talk to family or friends through fear of judgement.

We bought a house last year and have some debt and if we did split we would need to live together until that's clear.

I don't know if I'm staying because I love him which I do every other aspect of our life is great. We are like best friends. Or do I have fear of unknown if I do separate. I've never wanted a spilt family. I also don't know how financially I will manage.

Please help and advice is our marriage dead or can we work through it?

Surely it’s up to you. He wouldn’t be for me to be honest. I doubt he will change and he sounds like a man child.

Why is it near impossible to have time alone because you have dogs? Do they sleep in your bedroom? If so, there's one thing you can improve by making them sleep downstairs.

Was it Ashley madison? My ex was on that we were together for 8 years and had a 3 year old. We broke up but remained living together for 7-8 months and he started dating, experimented with drugs, had one very bad experience with ket on a first date and then tried to get me back just as I moved out. I think they get bored and want adventure and 'fun'. Once they finally have the opportunity to do whatever the fuck they want they don't usually want it anymore. He's with a new woman now and she was pregnant within 9 months and he's had a sharp crash back in to the life he was desperate to escape. Sorry I'm massively projecting but he sounds so similar to my ex. Do not even contemplate swinging if you can't have sex with dogs in the house!

"Every other aspect of our life is great"? What, apart from the fact he takes drugs around your child, seeks sex outside the marriage ("just chat" my backside, and even if it is, that's also completely unacceptable), laughs at you with his friends behind your back about how he keeps you in the dark RE his drug use, and that you have a "strained" sex life?

I didn't read past "I found out that my husband had signed up to a website for married people to have discreet fun".

Based on that sentence - yes you should leave your husband. No further information is needed.

In was indeed that sight. I can't believe this is my life right now. The descion feels so difficult. I also have a 3 year old.

Do you mind me asking how your life is now? Are you happy any regrets about decided to leave?

@legan08 it's a disgusting site, I really don't think many people get into a physical affair by using it but it's so dirty. I bet the majority of women on it are either other men or escorts/prostitutes.

I knew my ex hadn't cheated physically but it just spelled out how dysfunctional we were, rarely had sex or were nice/complimented each other. Both of us unloved and unhappy.

I moved out of the mortgaged home in dec 2020 my ex stayed in it until it sold, i had to rent as I couldn't afford a mortgage I got a second job to be able to pass affordability checks on rent and worked non stop until I got my half of the house money. I gained new friendships and skills, got confident in myself, learnt to drive. Ds was in reception so nursery fees were gone, he had a good routine. Ex had to step up and 50:50 parent so I could work. I met a guy on tinder in oct 2020 so I didn't waste much time, it was so nice dating again and going out, getting back in to life. I'm still with the same man but we don't live together, he met my son after 2 years and it's all very steady and easy. I've regained and kept my sex drive!

We have a 60:40 split of parenting, ds is very happy and loved by everyone. I still have a good relationship with ds paternal grandparents, we all help each other out and step up for ds if either of us needs childcare. Ex met a woman and moved cities but he still has ds on his days, new baby was born a few months ago and I gave them ds old baby clothes! Sometimes I get overwhelmed by not having a family, being alone etc but I know I made the right choice for all of us and we are all better for it.

Neither me nor ex are confrontational and the split wasn't screaming/shouting/aggression though some moments were tough when we were living together. It was quite matter of fact and more of a 'we're not happy how do we both become single and independent?' Ex helped me work out my money issues and I supported him whilst he was having problems getting a mortgage. Honestly we were more like siblings looking back. Ex has gone all hippy/anti establishment now and that's brought some problems with ds healthcare but I'm just glad I don't live with him!

Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to respond.

I guess I'm now trying to navigate how and when to bring the courage to end it. I'm still at the stage where I'm wishing/hoping things were different but I know they are not.

How long did it take you to end things after finding out?

Reading your story gives me hope that if I decide to move on from this then I can start a new life but it's just so daunting when I thought he was my life.

Husband carrying on like normal without a clue I'm thinking this way 😭

@legan08 it is a big decision and it's right that you are taking your time and thinking about everyone involved. Would you consider counselling? I don't know your relationship but it sounds like you've had a lot of change recently and perhaps it is possible to work through it.
Do you both work? Is the house mortgaged? Do you both have a good support network?

What made breaking up easier for me was knowing I'd be seeing his annoying smug face for the rest of my life due to having a child. It wasn't as final as a breakup without kids, you will still need to support each other and coparent. How would you feel if he went on to date/start another family? Me and ex dated other people whilst living together and I felt no jealousy at all, that's when I knew I was right in my decision.

@legan08 sorry I missed the question about how long it took to end things. Relationship started dwindling as soon as ds was born, he was a very unhappy baby and had health problems that caused a huge amount of strain on me in particular. My whole world revolved around ds, I struggled a lot and had no confidence in how I mothered him. I was critical of myself and lost enjoyment in everything. I started doing my ancestry and soon became obsessive about it, I was doing it every spare second. Whilst trying to find a password for one of my accounts I found Ashley madison on the password settings as 'passwords never to remember'. I ignored it for 3-4 months and then broke up with ex stating we were unhappy.

We did try couples counselling and they said he needed his own to sort first. He didn't have a great experience due to being let down and unsure if he would do so again.

We both work I am self-emploted steady income and will be able to work more when daughter goes to school next year.

We have a mortgage which is due for re-mortgage next year. We have discussed separation before and I know like yourself we would be good at supporting each other through that and would co-parent well.

My head is just full right now and I know once I decide to end the relationship that it will be final no going back which is why I have been taking my time to make that choice.

Other than these things happening over the last couple of years our marriage has been pretty plain sailing. We get on well as friends and do enjoy each others company.

It's useful to get others views on the situation as I know people will be honest and I'm grateful for that. I know I've needed to hear it for a while.

If only I had a crystal ball......I just want to do what's best for us all.

I can't help but keep focusing on the good things we have which is probably why it's harder to focus on the bad. Maybe a bit of denial too.

It's just so hard to know how to trust someone's words.

My husband didn't just go on the site and stop things there so there is a pattern here.

Did your husband promise to change or was the only option for you both to split?

I think regarding your question about him with someone else at this point I can't help but think it's his loss more than mine. As in if he doesn't change and treats someone else that way then I don't feel like I am missing out on much. I will miss his caring side but I won't miss his behaviour over the last two years. I hate that it's led me to feel insecure and that I'm not his world. Its drove me to checking his phone on a few occasions and I had that I have done that.

It's tarnished the relationship and unsure if we work on that or if I'm doomed and he will do something else in time and I'm 36 now and always said to him dint waste my time as I don't want to be 50 and having to start again if you know what I mean.

Any last words of advice giving that you have been here before?

How were you allowed to adopt when your marriage and finances were in such a bad way?

This happened after a year after the adoption. With regards to the finances we would just need a few months to clear the credit cards to enable the practically to support to lots of household bills

@legan08 that is exactly how I felt about ex starting another relationship.

I've no idea how many times he went on the site I just knew that he had made an account I never checked his phone it all felt so pointless I didn't really care that much. I used to check his phone when we were dating because of a few woman I knew he would meet on nights out etc, he cheated on me 5 times before our son was born but I only got that information after we split up and he was trying to get us back together. He's never been so honest as he was when he wanted us to be together, by that point I had a rental property lined up, I was seeing somebody and I had confidence in myself to make my life work without him. I was fully focused on what I needed to do to change my life, I tried very hard to be happy and it did pay off.

You are in a much better position than me by the sounds of it, I had to find work during covid, we weren't married, my name wasn't on the mortgage because I was on a temp contract when we got the house. I had to just trust that he would split the money, he threatened to take it all a few times but as both of our parents knew id paid 1/2 deposit, mortgage etc I just told his mum and dad and they sorted that haha. Even the thought of losing my house and everything I put in didn't stop me I knew it would kill me if I stayed so unhappy. My only advice is to be cooperative, try and see the other persons side and don't argue if you can help it. Try and stay calm. Best of luck with everything, I really hope you manage to get through this it's a very scary prospect but it sounds like you're willing to be the mature one and do what's best for your child, hopefully your husband will be level headed about it all too.

I've noticed my spelling and grammar have been off point by far. Mind all over the place today. 😌

Thank you all for your responses definitely gives me new insights when I'm clearly not thinking straight.

Oh and my ex was very very stubborn, he never apologised for anything! He would do some disgusting things whilst I was asleep and he would argue until he was blue in the face that it was normal. It's why I rented a property I knew he would never do that, I just took decisions out of his hands I didn't want to argue. It's the same with the website, there was no point in telling him because I'm the one to blame for not having sex with him.

Aww, so sorry to hear you've gone through that. I hope you are much happier now and continue to be happy 😊