I'm feeling so stressed about this situation. My DH is off work on long term sick leave and I doubt he will ever go back. He had a mental health breakdown, but seems to be recovering. What I am struggling with is that he has been at home for a year now, and barely leaves the house. I work 4 days a week, some from the office, some from home.
I have always loved/needed my own space. When he was at work and the children were at school and I had one or two days a week to myself at home by myself, that was how I recharged. I have ADHD, and I find being around people too much makes me feel quite stressed and I need time and space on my own. I do go out to the gym, meet friends etc, but my favourite way to recharge is just being in the house on my own.
My DH seems to be everywhere in the house. I used to like being in the kitchen and cooking - well he's now taken it over, saying that that is his job now. The problem is, it's a complete mess as he never cleans it up thoroughly, or leaves the entire day's mess from breakfast/ lunch/dinner until late in the evening. He does no housework or gardening, but spends all day doing his hobbies. He does have a "man cave" in the house, but is always in and out.
I don't know if his controlling tendencies are now more obvious too - he tends to get anxious about things, and throughout the day I'm just aware if I'm doing something he doesn't "approve of" eg putting in too much water in the kettle (he worries about the environment), popping out to the shop in the car (he doesn't like me driving unnecessarily with the cost of petrol etc). There is the odd comment and I can just sense the tension.
He doesn't like having people over and if I invite anyone over I feel tense as I know he's annoyed about it.
I feel trapped in my bedroom, that's where I work now as I can't work in the kitchen/dining room where I used to work, it's open plan so I can't very well say he can't even use the kitchen throughout the day. I feel so stifled.
It's like we're just existing, not living. But what's the alternative? It's easy to just think of separation, but the upheaval and upset for the dc and everyone else would be huge. Financially it would be really hard too. He's getting sick pay at the moment which is a big reduction from his previous salary. We are just about making it work at the moment, but I really doubt we could run two houses on our current income.
I'm mid forties - he's a bit older but is planning to take his pension as early as possible. So this could be our life for the next 30 odd years - just existing side by side, not enough money to go on lovely holidays to break the monotony, not enough money to finish the house (and DH won't do any of it himself) and me feeling more and more stressed with the lack of space and autonomy. It's like he's retired, and I'm really struggling with it.
Does anyone else need space? I have told my DH so many times that I am struggling with this and he looks hurt and said he doesn't know why I don't want him around. So then I feel guilty. But it's not a reflection on him, I would need space from anyone I lived with! To be fair, when I tell him, he does try to go out for the odd few hours, but he doesn't want to go out, so I feel like I'm forcing him out of the house.
So I think my main problems are - lack of space and autonomy in the house, and the fact I feel he's not really contributing to our family life.
Help!