Family of narcissists - how do you deal with it?

[KnockedoutK]

I just need a handhold. DH, parents I think my DC are starting to show traits despite my best efforts. I feel trapped, worn down and alone with this. Ask for support emotionally and get blinked at, criticises, laughed at.

I’m in therapy and they feel like my only life line to be heard. Can’t tell friends, in fact due to shutting myself off, I’ve lost quite a few over the years. I just feel alone with all this and silenced.

Does anyone know what I can do in this increasingly depressing, awful and lonely situation? Maybe I’m a narcisst too???

1. Refute criticism, including self criticism. You know you're a good person. You know your feelings are valid. That's all you need to know.
2. Leave.

I’m going to have to for my own sanity, my kids are early teens but their behaviour feels unmanageable due to being constantly undermined by DH, I have no validation as my DM and DF seem to accept his vile behaviour and blame me.

I feel guilty for abandoning them and further damaging my DC psychologically but I cannot go on, I’m not suicidal but I’m at breaking point.

I’m overwhelmed with daily chores which are left to the weekend for me to deal with, today has started with me having to do washing, tidy every room going. I just get shouted and sworn at by all of them. It’s a hellhole, I feel abused by everyone.

There is a difference between narcissistic and abusive. This sounds abusive and your DCs are following your Hs footsteps.

What has your therapist said, have they made any recommendations.

I’m just processing and talking, said behaviour is not acceptable and to try and make time for myself. It’s abusive yes, emotionally and I’m so tired of it.

How old are your children?

Sorry, just saw you said early teens.

How long has this behaviour been going on.

Are you thinking about divorce? What's your financial position, do you own your house etc?

Listen to the podcast “divorcing a narcissist” by Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker a family lawyer

You don’t need to abandon your children and in fact you should not. You are an adult. They are your responsibility.

If you break free of the marriage / relationship, then you can set your own rules in your own space and be their parent.

Other people will be along to give you better advice, but to me you’ve made the first step in acknowledging your in an abusive relationship, now you need to find the support to help you get out, if your family aren’t that support you need to look elsewhere.

Thank you for the insights, I’ll look at the podcast. DD is just like her father, combative and defensive. Other DD is damaged so much and just a people pleaser. I know I’ve damaged them I just don’t have the energy to do this anymore. Coming from a family who have systematically bullied me too, I just feel devastated at my own incapability as a good role model.

@Parlourgames i feel awful as I don’t have the strength, both teens already battle and demand. DH almost delights in them arguing so he can look good. But if we challenge him, all hell breaks loose, I can’t tell him anything. He’s a recovering addict so that has been an awful time to go through too.

I really feel for you as you sound so tired and low. But you must believe that you are extremely, extremely important as a parent. Your children will love you, they may not show it, but they need you so much. Children do test and push boundaries. It is very wearing.

The problem is your partner. Focus on sorting out that bit of your life. Then you can feel stronger.

You have dh problem , not a children problem. They are being shaped by an abuser. Contact women’s aid and get help for yourself .

OP, my fiancée grew up with a narcissistic father who likewise treated his wife the same way you are describing. Her children also joined into the ridicule. My fiancée displays obvious signs of narcissism as well but he is aware of it and can manage it most of the time. His sibling and his mother are suffering severely from the abuse that happened in the house. My partner is adamant that his mother was only free when the parents split up, because she was finally free then.

Her world collapsed because everything she has know as normal disappeared, until she realised how wrong and horrific her “normal” had been. Like you she had known but has refused to ever acknowledge it. She is a lovely woman and restarted her life the way she wanted, and she is so aware that she calls out bullying or manipulative behaviour. Her second child (adult too) is struggling with boundaries and lets partners treat them badly just as they had seen growing up. It’s a real pity. Think about how your life could be if you left and got help for your children, too. You can do it

My world is collapsing right now @K1nga23 living with DH is absolutely unbearable.

OP, I think the best lesson you can teach your children is to leave an abusive situation. You're modelling good boundaries and self care by not staying to endure the abuse. I would give both your teens the option to come with you, but make it clear what the rules of life with you will be like: cleaning up after themselves, being kind and polite, no arguing, conflicts to be resolved by talking, etc. It's up to them then, and it'll be clear you haven't abandoned them if they refuse to join you.

Would you be ok to have a look at the women’s aid website? I hear they are fantastic and you can speak to someone who won’t be judgmental at all and who will have practical advice as well.