conversation tips

[rolllofthunder]

Currently, my days are divided between work and caring commitments. I work full time from home (online tutoring of one sort or another) and I care for my youngest son (early 20s with severe mental health issues), my husband (more visiting now, because he is in a residential home), my older son ( also neurodiverse, lives in supported housing about ten miles away) and my 95 year old mother who is very hard of hearing (not her primary carer, but a regular part of her informal network).

My problem is, I just cannot seem to keep conversations going with my family. I can chat about the weather, try to recall anecdotes about mundane events in the day, and ask about their health, thoughts and feelings. Yet, within a few minutes, there is silence.

I just need a few tips about how to chat, when there is not a lot going on in my life nor (dare I say it) in the lives of the people I am chatting to.

Do you mean your family whom you support with their various health issues? Could be a good idea to have a few activities rather than worrying about making conversation all the time. Perhaps you could take a game or activity to do together, cards, jigsaw, a board game suited to their abilities? Reading to some of them? If your mum's eyesight isn't brilliant she may enjoy that. Short stories are good.

Would your ND son be able to do parkrun with you when you visit if he is physically well (walking is absolutely fine) or a group walk? Could be a nice way to do something together bringing in other people.

Otherwise, and apologies if I have got this wrong but it may be a sign that you need to take a bit of time to yourself. To see friends or social groups, reconnect with your hobbies? Sounds like you're doing a huge amount for everyone else but perhaps not supporting your own mental health and interests quite as strongly? I know it's easily said but you're just as important.

You don't have to keep a conversation going and you can't keep a conversation going with someone who prefers silence.

You obviously feel an obligation to keep communication going, and I understand that silence can feel awkward. (I've spent thousands of hours speaking to people with mental health issues in a a professional capacity).

Sometimes less is more and someone who is naturally quiet will be more forthcoming if you leave gaps.

Could you play cards or a board game? It keeps up the interaction but conversation isn't forced. Or complete a family tree together, label old photos, or similar?

Thank you for these tips. They are really helpful.

Each person has their own communication style: my eldest son loves cats, so we visit cat cafes and I show him videos of our pet cats. I do have to keep the conversation going at times. My husband is severely depressed at the moment, but he does like to listen to music, especially music from the seventies and eighties. He has a great deal of knowledge about the songs. My mother is just a quite deaf and a bit forgetful, but her long term memory if good, and she likes to talk about things that happened a long time before I was born. Finally, my youngest son is intense and will pour out his feelings and dark thoughts. However, he does have a need to retreat.

I think, apart from the silences, which do sometimes make me a little uncomfortable, it is the sparsity of reciprocal conversation that sometimes gets to me.