Why do you think he does this

[Windmill34]

Been with partner for 21 years we’re both middle 60’s.

whenever we’ve had a disagreement he will turn round and say
” I’m not arguing.”
This then always leaves things up in the air
so many things have been swept under the carpet so so many times
He is never the one to bring it up again or do anything about it . Ever
It can just be say about if I say
” think I’ll paint the garage doors same colour as front door “
He will come up with “I don’t know about that “
no reason why not, but will then not discuss it
we don’t get any further !
If anything is done, it’s always me that does it
trades people, painting, gardening (apart from mowing) anything that means change
i get a hard time about, then never mentioned again by him ever !
If I didn’t do it, nothing inside or outside the house would get done, yet when I take the lead
I get an argument. But I’m doing the bloody hard work whilst he will sit on his phone or go out on his bike.
I get no where, and end up resentful

I had my own house for 11yrs and was hands on myself
He would live in a house and as long as it was hoovered and clean dishes that’s good

its weird thou, because if it was the roof
he’d have someone round ?

just needed to write this down

No advice but he is extremely dismissive - just another passive aggressive person who does not have the skills to communicate unless it’s with silly pathetic passive aggressive comments and expects you to be psychic and know what he is thinking. It is a form of emotional abuse and quite frankly I couldn’t live with someone like that! Just completely selfish!

The reason you need to write it down is because the feeling of being unheard has been building up, and you're dealing with it by questioning how he feels.

How do you feel? You say 'resentful'. Is that it? A spot of resentment? Is there not a tantrum inside you? If so, what's it screaming at you, in capital letters with exclamation marks?

Anymore views on this ?

It's not a nice way to live is it?

I wonder if he is behaving like his own father did towards his mother.
You need to either leave the bastard or stop asking permission to do things which in effect is what he thinks you are doing, and just go ahead and do them OP

As long as it was hoovered with clean dishes, so who does this?

You say partner are you actually married? Do you jointly own your house?
As if it is legally your house he might not think it's in his interest to home improve.

I'm sorry it's obvious why he does this: he doesn't want to do this stuff, he shuts you down when discussing it, so that you end up doing it all. He gets exactly what he wants, a lazy life, time to look on his phone and ride his bike. If you complain, he makes you out to be the bad guy, which shuts you up.

I'm sorry, but he's not treating you like he loves you. He is not a nice person.

Stonewalling

He's an emotionally immature, controlling, passive-aggressive, belligerent dickhead and I have no fucking idea why you've put up with this shit.

No it’s not a nice way to live, i question myself often.
if I want to change something in the house nit massive structure things it is like someone said
I’m waiting for his permission
im so confused now, I don’t know if this is even normal ?
Id have nothing modern if it wasn’t for me, I have to buy it myself or buy and say you owe me
…… then I’m on pins to what he’s going to say

He is definitely like his Father, his mum left his dad for this reason she would never get an answer and gave to keep asking. I only learnt this many years later.
His dad would fix something rather than buy new, I remember he fixed a chaise sofa because one of the springs was coming through. It was so so hard to sit on. It’s not like they didn’t have money. When his father died he had 35k in savings but would never buy new clothes they were always partners hand me downs

we both own the house 50/50 tenants in common
i resent having to do the work myself whilst he sits there and can’t be bothered but rips the rewards.
I often think it’s more like we house share than a couple, and he’s got me thinking like he does

Think is I’m in a shit situation now
the housing market is way way out of control
rental is probably the worst it’s been.

Wait, so he voices his own thoughts, but as soon as they're aired you're not allowed to say anything back, because he walks away and says "I'm not arguing?"

So his thoughts and feelings are important, but yours are reduced to being labelled as "arguing"?

This is why I wanted others views
its worn me down tgst I don’t know
if I’m being unreasonable

I get to say why etc and do stand my ground
that’s when it gets to “ I’m not arguing “ and he then goes silent on me till he wants to know something

As others have said, your feelings are not important to him.

Why don’t you leave him to make his own food and do his own washing, ironing etc and when he raises the issue, just tell him “I’m not arguing” and walk away and stay silent!

That’s it, we haven’t spoken really for nearly a week just the odd word
but he’s seems quite happy to carry on like this and just goes about his business.
goes to his hobbies (he’s passionate hobbies)
meet friend for coffee or goes on his own. He doesn’t now say where he’s going or been and neither do I now.
He thinks I will just turn round and start talking normally soon so will be just content with odd word to me and thinks the thing I brought up won’t be mentioned again.
which is what usually happens, as I can’t be doing with the atmosphere in the house and to be told again “ I’m not arguing “
Hes quite happy to run the house his way
he already does the washing(which I used to do before he retired) he goes to the shops every morning(ask what’s for tea at 9.30 ! So if I don’t know I gave to go later)

Good God almighty OP. You do not have to live like this.
I would make a start by living a separate life from now on. Let him shop for his tea and you have what you want. Do not allow this man to suffocate you with his horribleness. I bet he would not care if you left - he would just carry on regardless.
Don't let the housing market frighten you. It's just an excuse not to sell.
You deserve a better life than this and you can have one if you make that first step to freedom by separating yourself from this horrible person

Some men don't like any idea that their female partner suggests - even if it mainly benefits them they'll shut it down or sabotage it in some way. Don't know if it's just the way they're wired or happens through long built-up relationship dynamics and resentments.

Why do I think he does this? He's shutting you down and stonewalling you. It is a way to keep you in your place and not bother him with trivialities like a difference of opinion.

He doesn't want to know your opinion, and he certainly doesn't want to tell you what he thinks about the colour for the garage door, because either a - it might mean actually having to do some decorating or b - it might turn out to be the wrong colour and he wouldn't want to be in any way to blame for that. So he simply does all the things he wants to do, and does them his way, and refuses point blank to engage with you on anything else.

No wonder you feel like you are about to explode with rage, I would too.

I read this as him being set in his ways and incapable of negotiation and compromise.

What happens when you do whatever you like regardless?

I realised I was expecting negotiation and consultation and compromise- well, communication really- with a man who couldn't do it. I stopped expecting it and just did my own thing, exactly like him. We're much happier. He doesn't actually care that much about what colour the hall is or where the chairs are. If he did, he'd be prepared to talk about it.

Ok op in that case think of something you do for him on a daily basis and just stop doing it! And if he moans just tell him “I’m not arguing with you” and refuse to speak to him about it again. I would still stop doing his washing anyway and running the house as much anyway! He seems content with you doing everything while he just goes gallivanting off to do as he pleases! Until you make some changes he will continue to do so! In an ideal situation I would have just left because he sounds incredibly boring and childish

You are mature and getting older.
Will he tell you he’s “not arguing”
as you wipe the dribble from his chin one day?
Life is too short and he is undermining and destroying you. Get out whilst you can.

Sounds horrible. An ex of mine used to do this and one time I thought I'd just ignore her but it was more torture for me

It's no way to live. It's abusive and just horrible.

F'ing T.W.A.T

Just reminds me of my silent treatment ex who would say 'I don't want to talk about it'

I don’t want to get into any confrontation with him anymore, it’s getting me to rock bottom each time I decide ir ask to do something regarding the house.
He never ever ever suggest something need replacing
I’ve a carpet that’s been down in the stairs since we moved in , it’s disgusting
my kitchen unit have handles missing, he wouldn’t be bothered to go to b&q to replace
it would have to be me, as always

I made future plans for a direct funeral recently
paid for it upfront as it’s what I want, no fuss
I mentioned he needs to sort something as I’m not being left to sort it all out, again looked at and like I never said anything, no will no future planning.

re the housing market- frightening not to sell
with splitting 50/50 there isn’t enough for me to buy a flat in the area I live , I’ve been here 40 yrs
prices are sky high.
but I know I need to get out, as all we do is house share.
He as much more income than me and would never help me out if we split.
The more I think about this mess tge more I’m going down a black hole

What kind of place do you think you would want if you decided to go your own way? Would you want a house or could a flat in a town suit and could that be affordable?

You sound pretty damn cheesed off.. what do you think to making an initial enquiry with a solicitor about a possible split?