Husband pushed me

[micci124]

Just had a row with the husband (38). Over money. I'm a student nurse and do clinical unpaid placements. Normally thanks to my working alongside on bank shifts. I can make ends meet..however husband forecasted that we have a sizeable deficit due to upcoming Xmas.. So I'm working extra shifts and balancing uni, housework and family alongside. He works full-time also. It seems that the deficit has been placed entirely on my shoulders to earn. So iI've been earning the money for the shortfall. However tonight my husband got mad, called me controlling, as I questioned his purchase for an experience t shir.t it annoyed me slightly as I thought our spending was at a minimum for a while, while I make up the difference. He retaliated that because I have ring fenced this months food money, I'm controlling and abusive .tried to explain that I have to stick to this budget, otherwise I'll have to work more shifts. I'm already tired. Don't get me wrong he also works hard., anyway I was trying to explain the rationale for ring fencing it. He got angry, wouldn't listen, called me controlling, stormed off. I went after him trying to explain, wouldn't listen. Found him lying on the bed.on seeing me ran from the bed clutching his pillow. Takes off downstairs, I try talking to him again. Still Not listening. Blocking me with the pillow, I try to remove said pillow, he then pushed me over into the chair, I hurt my leg and arm in the process..I feel hurt, that he would call me controlling, when all I'm trying to do is make ends meet by not overspending the food money. £10 here, £30 there, it all adds up. It hurts that he would think the worst of me. Hurt that he would disrespect me like that. He pushed me over!. Hurt he can't talk to me in a decent manner.. I can't even look at him right now. the one that told me about the deficit in the first place. In addition to working and uni I make all the meals for the family, 90% of all the chores. Desperately want him to respect and understand me., but he is sleeping on the couch now.. it's not how I want to be treated. I'm sad and feel.unheard and totally misunderstood.

Lots of issues here.

forecasted that we have a sizeable deficit due to upcoming Xmas.
What would you be spending on that it requires multiple extra shifts? Cut it right down. Children don't need huge piles of presents especially if that means not seeing their tired mother properly for weeks. Don't spend on relatives this year, cut down on alcohol spending etc.

Is he doing 50% of the household chores, cooking, laundry and childcare too?

How are you dividing who pays which bill or do both wages go into a joint account and is it a fair division?

You followed him into multiple rooms to continue the discussion, he didn't want to. You should have left the discussion until the morning after he took his pillow out of the bedroom. And yes, you do need a proper discussion over fair division of chores, children and finances.

He got angry, wouldn't listen, called me controlling, stormed off. I went after him trying to explain, wouldn't listen. Found him lying on the bed.on seeing me ran from the bed clutching his pillow. Takes off downstairs, I try talking to him again. Still Not listening. Blocking me with the pillow, I try to remove said pillow, he then pushed me over into the chair, I hurt my leg and arm in the process

He removed himself multiple times from the situation to prevent escalation.
Multiple times. You followed him. You put YOUR hands on him first by removing the pillow. You were the aggressor here.
The relationship sounds toxic.It needs to ensure.

This.
You need to look at your actions in this.

Yes you should have left him be when he left the room, but let me get this straight - you are studying full time, plus working extra shifts to make money, you do most of the cooking, cleaning and childcare on top of this? He is spending money you don’t have, knowing that it means you will need to work more to plug the gap? Is he working extra shifts too?

Is he resentful that you are studying, so sees any financial dip your problem to solve? Same with the housework etc? You aren’t his servant. He’s taking the piss and then turning it back on you when you dare to question the imbalance. What a dick.

He tried to get away from you yet you continually pursued him.

Swap the roles around and see how it sounds.

You just weren't letting up were you? You completely escalated this.

Why is it your job to do all of the cooking and housework? The guy is not nice from the sounds of it. No, you shouldn’t have kept following but he crossed a line in pushing you (and no, I don’t count you touching a pillow as putting your hands on him first).

Has he pushed you or anything ing aggressive before? Although I can see what pp are saying about how he went away to get space and you followed him around , it's not like he communicated 'I need some space can we discuss this more when we've both calmed down' he totally shut you down and then stone walled you when you raised a very legitimate concern. I can totally understand your frustration and desperation to have your point acknowledged. I think if you two are to stay together you definitely need some ground rules for navigating disagreements that are agreed when you're both calm- if you can't do this yourselves please seek help from a couples therapist as they're very skilled at helping with this.

It's not controlling to be upset when someone is spending on luxury items when you're exhausting yourself with hard extra shifts! You need to tell us more about how you manage your finances. Advice on Mumsnet which I think is good advice is to have a family pot that you both pay money into for household and shared expenses and other 'must buys' and also a joint savings account for Xmas holidays etc. then what we is left/you can afford, have some money each that is 'fun money' to do as you please with - each person saves up their own fun money to spend as frivolously as they please - so your husbands shirt would have to come from that- it would be on him to save up not on you to work and extra shift for it. Suggest this and agree that you don't control at all what the other person does - you can get your nails done or Botox or a girls night out with your fun money too and he can't comment that it's a waste.

If the shirt takes money away from Xmas savings, and that falls on you to do another shift, then of course you have a right to be upset- he's basically sent you off to do an extra days work without consulting you.

I think you have two issues here - dealing with disagreements and your finances. You need to have a calm chat about both of them and come to an agreement about how you handle both in a fair way.

Ps - third issue actually is division of household labour that definitely needs sorting out too

Ps do you have children?

Thanks for your fair and empathetic advice. I appreciate it. On reflection, I shouldn't have followed him, but I also have the right to a reply. He constantly interrupts me and I cannot get any validation from him. I'm not controlling for ring fencing the food budget. I would love to have a discussion with him about it. But he doesn't listen. He just storms off, leaving me frustrated, and misunderstood. I have two children. We pay everything we earn into a joint account. There isn't much room for spends until I qualify. He does work hard as do I. He has been hands on with me before in the beginning of our relationship 15 years ago. He grabbed my arm, bruising it in a supermarket for talking too loud. I dragged him over hot coals for it and he apologised immediately. He isn't a bad guy, he's evolved somewhat since then. However I would love for him to listen and understand where I'm coming from. I'm not controlling in the slightest, when I go into placement, it's essentially working 12 hour shifts for free. I won't have the time or energy to do anymore bank shifts. He'll spend money on. His credit card and pay it all back when he gets paid. I don't get any spending money, as I'm paying down the deficit. The whole thing is unbalanced. I feel taken for granted. He hasn't even acknowledged my existence today. 😑

As I said earlier you have multiple issues so you need to divide them and conquer.

You keep saying he works hard. Is he working a normal 40 hr week as everybody else in the country or doing an 80hr week? Do your shifts and uni study add up to the same hours he works? Once you have figured that out is when you decide on how the childcare and household chores are divided up so you both get equal free time.

Work out the bills and then you put in a percentage of your wages to cover them. If he earns 50k to your 20k then he puts in a higher percentage. Make sure you both have equal spends after the bills have been paid, the rest goes in savings, ie for Christmas. You both need equal spends for coffee or treats. £20 is fine, unless you are that broke.

If you cannot communicate properly then maybe it's time for outside help such as marriage counselling. If he refuses then you have to either accept this is your life or you start the process of leaving.

You Should have left him cool off rather than pursuing him. However, the division of labour in the house seems very unbalanced

There is a real financial imbalance here and it's not good. When tempers calm down you need to have a discussion about money and come up with a plan. Money should go into that joint account for bills, money gets allocated to savings (and future spends like Christmas) and the EACH of you get the same amount of money into your personal accounts. If there isn't enough for bills then there is no personal spending for either of you.

Placements are hard, and the expectation needs to be that there is very little being earned by you during placements and it needs to be planned for.

And he needs to start pulling his weight around the house. Because honestly, once you're working and you get out on difficult shifts like night shifts is he going to expect you to survive on barely any sleep because you still have to manage Dc and home chores? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

OP ignore the disgraceful victim blaming here. You have a man who'd rather use physical force than friendly discussion, and he wants to work you to the bone. He doesn't sound worth your effort.

I don't understand why you have to make up the deficit! It sounds like he can spend what he likes and if there is a deficit you have to work to make up his expenditure - you are in this together and when you complete your training your earnings will improve life for everyone in your family.
He calls you controlling - maybe you are but he is making it totally your responsibility to ensure that everyone gets fed. He wants the t shirt - have it with pleasure love but don't have dinner with the family for a few evenings! He can enjoy the t shirt with a rumbling tummy!! It's called give and take!!
If Christmas is already going to be an issue then cut back - no presents between you and DH - external presents to family - do a secret santa with a fixed budget. No extras for food - normal shopping for food right up to Xmas except for buying in a decent Sunday roast for xmas dinner.
He doesn't get to spend the money he earns without considering his family first - selfish idiot!!

Why would you have a deficit at Christmas? It's a weird way of framing it - it is not inevitable if you instead choose to spend less on Christmas, surely?

Is what he means is that if we want to spend x amount on Christmas, then we need to make extra money? It shouldn't just be down to you to make the extra money.

Just keep the spending down instead of slogging your guts out if he's not contributing equally.

Your relationship sounds like shit though if you're unable to put your views forward, he decides how much you should work and what your money gets spent on, and you do more than your fair share of the chores.

Ignoring the argument and physical altercation as pp have already given opinions.

Can you actually afford to be a student especially if you have two children needing support? What does he earn? What do you earn? What needs to be cut back? Do both your wages cover 'normal" bills?

I'd love to go back to uni but can't afford to having responsibilities such as family and bills.

Similar situation op did he push you again or did you work on it