When do you call it a day?

[Sox166]

I’ve been with my partner over 2 years with a 3 month old baby.
he has always been a guy who goes out with his friends and drinks until silly o’clock but said he would calm it down before we start a family.

during pregnancy he cut down how often he went out but still stayed out for hours and hours promising me ‘last drink’ or ‘be home soon’ only to let me down time and time again.

we have had many arguments about this (it’s the only topic we truly have ever argued over) and nothing seems to change.

he goes through the sorry and he doesn’t know what to say or that it won’t happen again.
then he gets frustrated and gives examples of how much worse he could be (come in at 6am etc when it’s only 11pm - but he has been out since 3?)

anyway nothing has changed since baby has arrived and this behaviour and the arguments continue.
I have said it will ruin our relationship because he is not respecting that all I ask is him to be out for a reasonable few hours not 6+ every time he sees his friends.

or to not text me with a time he will be home to appear hours later.

it seems such a daft thing to break up over as everything else in our relationship is fantastic but I honestly can’t cope with this anymore. I have no idea what to do, sorry for babbling.

how can I move forward with this if he will never change?

I think your last question is your answer.

'He will never change - so how can I move forwards?'.

I think you may have to move forwards without him. I'm sorry.

I suppose it depends if it really matters and how often he goes out.
for example once a month (and you also get once a month out) it feels like you could just assume when he goes out that you won’t hear from him for hours and won’t know when he’s home, so just plan to do your own thing and leave him to it. Do you really need to hear from him? Or really need a return time? Surely you just need to know he’s safe and that’s it.
I would never expect a set time from DH to return, and would hate if DH expected me to tell him when I’d be home. Surely it’s nice to just go out and relax.
but we hardly ever go out drinking so maybe that’s the difference. Either way, I’m not you, it’s up to you to decide what’s acceptable for you.
And if he’s out every week and disappears all day, if he’s not otherwise a loving caring partner who does his fair share of childcare and housework, if you can’t afford for him to be spending as much money as he is, or you don’t trust his behaviour whilst you’re out then obviously that’s different. And if that’s just not what you want in a DP that’s fine too. I’d also hate the lying, just say you don’t know when you’ll be home! Don’t lie about last drinks!

You don't trust what he says anymore regarding socialising which will end up not trusting him to remember or do certain things regarding the baby. He won't change because he doesn't want to change so this falls on you. Do you want to live this life for the next ten to twenty years? If not then it's time to leave.

You knew who he was when you got together. You had a baby with him knowing this, expecting him to change, he hasn't.

This will be your life pattern if you stay.

My ex H was like this. It's as though they never grow up or are scared of missing out. My new partner prioritises me and my advice to anyone would be to know your worth and don't settle. He's not respecting you or being fair. I wouldn't begrudge him a night out but he's not taking your feelings into account.

I wasted years on my son’s father who was like this, believing his words and not his actions. He never did change - he used to promise the world but never delivered. I feel for you.

I realised when my baby was new born that life would never be any different but stupidly I dragged the relationship out (in hope) another few years, then split and co-parented living in the same house for a couple of years. He has recently moved out. That was a huge mistake, I should’ve left when my baby was young - now I am dealing with a just turned 6 year old who is sad and upset his dad isnt around as much. If I’d of left years ago my boy would’ve known no different.

I am seeing a fantastic counsellor and am trying to move on, it’s slow progress but life was immediately less stressful not arguing over drinking and drugs and all the lies that came with it, every single day.

I hope things get better for you ❤️

Can I ask, and I promise I'm not being an arse, but why does he need to let you know what time he will be back? Or why does he need to only be out for so long? Does it really matter?

I ask this because my husband is exactly the same. When we first moved in together 20 years ago he would ALWAYS tell me 'just a couple of drinks', 'be back by 8' or 'I'll not he late' and he never once stuck to it. It caused so many argument. Eventually I stopped asking times etc or expecting him to text me or whatever because when I thought about it properly, it didn't make any difference! He was out and that's that! The only thing I would say is make sure you get 'your time' in too!

He trained you well. Of course it matters if he's lying to her. Of course it matters if he's making her the default parent. Of course it matters that he doesn't see her as equal in their relationship.

No man has trained me lovey, thanks! I just realise what's important to argue over and what's not! At no point has she said he has made her the default parent, she says herself he's fantastic in all other areas, he just doesn't stick to a curfew when he goes out. So, no, unless he's telling her she must stay indoors forever or staying out for days on end, then I don't think staying out late does matter.

You also think lies dont matter. And yes he's trained you into giving up and accepting his lies. That's not a decent foundation for building trust and respect and joint responsibility in an equal partnership. Not everyone can cope with the lies and it seems OP has reached her limit. You haven't, and that's fine.

How often is he out?