I left and I want to feel better

[JessicaGerbil]

I left my ex (father of my kids) about 18 months ago. I had some support from Women’s Aid who said he was emotionally abusive, but I’m still struggling with accepting that.

Ex hasn’t spoken to be since (won’t even look at me, be in the same room as me for parents evening, that sort of thing, before we split he said I was the abuser and everything was my fault so that’s not a surprise).

I’m doing ok day to day. Just moved to a new house, work is going well. See friends regularly. Sharing the kids is hard but I’m coping. So everything is ok.

But I want it to be better than ok. I’m still sad I don’t have the family life I wanted. I worry if I should have stayed/tried harder, especially for the DC (7 and 4). It cheesy, but I feel like I’m surviving but I want to be thriving.

Anyone got any advice. I want to believe I’ve done the right thing but I’m not sure anymore because everything is just so “meh”.

Sorry you've been through that, understand how you feel. Life is pretty meh here too, you're not alone.

What you want to think of is was that family life what you envisaged and was that a healthy environment for your children. I too wanted that for mine but it didn't work out that way and I've gone from trying to keep it together to seeing it was better not to.

You will someday move from surviving to thriving but these things take time. Maybe one day you will meet someone who doesn't treat you like that and you'll find a new version of a family life that's better and more healthy than the one you envisaged originally, for yourself and your children.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

This issue with emotional abuse is its insidious;it creeps in slowly and becomes so "normal" the abused don't realise it's abuse;they accept as their reality whilst it chips away at their self confidence,self esteem,judgement,self awareness and sanity.

It's also extremely common for abusers to use the DARVO technique;Deny,Attack,Reverse the Victim to make out their the Offender.

The abuser is manipulative,they lie,they guilt trip and use tactics like your ex is doing like giving you the silent treatment and ignoring you in order to continue to mess with your mind.

One thing abusers can't stand is when the victim stands up to them;you left;he probably thought he could continue to abuse you and you'd simply take it.

You are 100% better off without him,let him ignore you,you don't have to deal with him then,you will be okay.

Have you had any counselling?

Just started counselling. Therapist seems great and I’m really hopeful it will help, but also worry she’s only hearing my point of view…

I know it won't feel like this, but 18 months isn't that long in the scheme of things after ending a serious relationship, so it's not surprising that you're not dancing on the ceiling at this point. It takes time to lick the wounds but your future won't be the same as things are now and you acted to make sure that it wouldn't be the same as your past. There's obviously a reason you had to seek help from Women's Aid but if your feelings around that aren't fully resolved and you prefer to talk privately (as in, not to friends) about it, remember there are lines like Samaritans or some counselling might be a good thing to work through how you're feeling.

That's really good. That's the beauty of counselling though - it's for you.

There's a reason why they don't recommend counseling or mediation with abusers. They are masters at deception and even if he gave his views it would be portrayed in a way that made you the villain.

Emotional and psychological as previous poster has said is insidious, I'm a guy and I was in it for years and only now I am out do I recognize it. I didn't at the time, I took it all and never stood up.

You are not mad, overreacting or in the wrong. That is the exact intention and result of this type of abuse, it warps your reality.

You have to grieve for what you thought you had. And then find your anger. You need to get to the “how dare he” phase — how dare he have called me xxxx, how dare he have said I zzz. You will then move on to acceptance.
And tell yourself every day everything you’ve done to make life better for you and your children. It takes strength to walk out — you did it. You’re giving them a great role model of a mum, you’re providing g a safe, calm, loving home for them.