New baby and boundaries

[rosalili]

Has anyone been successful in setting boundaries with difficult family members after having a baby?

DH's mum in many respects means well but fundamentally has issues with control. By DH's account she was obsessively involved as he was growing up, to the extent of sending him texts from another SIM card posing as his girlfriend, to try to find out information on their relationship that DH wouldn't share with her. She also was constantly telling him he was not good enough and at times resorted to physical punishments.

She remains very closely involved with DH's siblings as they are still living at home (now as adults in their late 20s/early 30s) and I think struggles with DH being much more independent. At various points in the past we have come to blows as she has expected us to tell/involve her more closely in things, such as when we didn't send her our wedding guest list to check (?) before we sent out invitations.

Fast forward to now where we have just recently had a baby and we're struggling with the intensity. There's an expectation that we will see her several times a week, and she apparently cried when we didn't invite her on our recent (first) holiday with the baby.

What do we do? DH wants as little contact as possible but says he'll defer to me as most of the times she suggests/turns up are midweek when I'm home alone with the baby. I personally just want to sit here watching crap TV with my boobs out (baby constantly feeding) and not worrying about making small talk with someone with her history who wasn't remotely interested in seeing me 12 months ago!

I've come across a few books on boundaries - any people would recommend? Thanks for any thoughts!

What's the benefit of having her in your lives? What will she be like with your child growing up?

Did you literally mean there was physical violence over your guest list?

You aren’t obliged to answer the door to her. If she turns up just don’t let her in. You don’t have to do anything just because she wants you to. Don’t tell her what you are up to either?

Why do you think she means well, there is no evidence for this at all. Stop thinking that she means well; such people do not. Controlling people are abusive end of. His mother has attempted to foster an enmeshed relationship with her now adult children. His mother does not indeed like the fact that your man escaped her wider malign influences. Read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could be beneficial. Your man should also not be deferring to you either re contact as this is his mother. His own inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and he could well do with some therapy re her.

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries. People like his mother though do not like boundaries and will actively rail against any you set. You do not have to let his mother into your home if and when she arrives at your home.

You all need to stay well away from his mother going forward and cease all contact. She will emotionally harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how your man has been harmed by her.

Thanks, all.

@Nanny0gg sorry, I misused "come to blows" there. No, she's never been physically violent in the time that I've known her (though she apparently did used to hit DH). The guest list saga just led to a series of very heated arguments between her and DH - raised voices, tears ("you're shutting me out") - until the wedding was finally over. It's a good question re what benefit she brings. I wonder whether we expose our child to more dysfunction if we cut her out and have to deal with the inevitable drama versus if we can somehow put some boundaries in place that appear reasonable enough that she'd struggle to challenge then.

@AsYou82 I don't disagree, but I think we're struggling what we can get away with without having to deal with excessive drama (including from others e.g. DFIL who begs us to appease her so he doesn't have to deal with her tears). When she's come to the door before and I haven't invited her in she's somehow decided that this is an act of spite and cried about it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the book recommendation. Will take a look. Yes, really keen to be a bit more consistent in our approach. We've had some "wins" - e.g. buying the big ticket items for the baby before she had a chance to and without consulting her (as she seemed to expect!) but we need that across the board.

I think you should stick to not answering the door to her. Too bad if DFIL has to deal with her tears. They're all appeasing her but you don't have to. The more you let her in, the more destructive she'll be in your lives. You won't reduce the 'drama' by doing what she wants - she'll just want more and more all the time and every time you resist, there'll be drama so set your boundaries and stick to them eg no impromptu visits. I think your DH has the right idea in wanting as little to do with her as possible. He knows what she's capable of.

She sounds awful.

I'd be honest and say you don't want visitors no matter who they may be.

Put the boundaries is now and start as you wish to continue otherwise it would be more difficult to try to stop something that is a routine/ been happening months or years.