Can you blow up a family because you’re unhappy?

[Spinningbrain]

So a bit of background, we have 2 kids one early years of high school, one middle of primary. Been married just over 15 years and together about 19.

Long and short of it is I’m unhappy. There’s no real reason, we’re just two people who live together and co-parent. We don’t really have anything in common, we don’t have a physical relationship (I don’t just mean sex), we often hardly even talk to each other. There’s just nothing there, we don’t really even argue, it’s just like we exist. We split the running of the house pretty well, we split kids activities etc etc. I earn more but that’s not really relevant. On the outside we have a nice house, go on holiday and all the “normal” things you’d expect a family to do. My perception of divorces is there’s usually major reasons but here there just isn’t, I’m just flat out unhappy.

I just feel a bit lost and don’t know what to do. I can see life just stretching out for both of us and when the kids leave we look at each other and realise we’ve both wasted years of our lives.

On the flip side can I blow up our lives because I’m unhappy?! I just don’t know. Does that destroy the kids or does them growing up in a house with a clearly unhappy marriage do worse.

If you're both unhappy, what is there to 'blow up'? You don't have a happy family if both parents are miserable. It sounds like you need a long talk with DH, without the children there, to decide what sort of future you both want.

If he came home and announced he'd planned a romantic weekend away for the two of you (and he'd sorted all the practicalities/ childcare/costs etc) would you be pleased or would you want to run away as fast as you could?

If it's the latter, then yes, I think you should strongly consider ending it.

Easy to say, hard to do though, I know

That's a great litmus test, the hypothetical weekend away.
Life is very short op. And if you are both unhappy and you could divorce amicably then it's not the worst thing for kids at all. Divorce in itself isn't the issue.it's how you divorce that very often is.

@howmanytimes34 you are presuming Op is a woman married to a man.

I think seeing theur parents miserable and thinking thats a normal marriage (to be 'tolerated' not enjoyed) is far worse.

They're at a good age to end things now.
The youngest is old enough to understand explaination and the eldest has not hit exam age. If you're going to go, I'd go now.

we often hardly even talk to each other. There’s just nothing there, we don’t really even argue, it’s just like we exist.

You really think your children haven't noticed? You really think they don't compare their homelife to their friends? You really think they don't want happy parents? Do you really think your husband isn't unhappy too but doesn't want to "blow up the family"?

At the very least tell your husband you are unhappy and want more and see what he says.
If he says he's happy - do counselling and find a way forward.
If he says he's unhappy too - do counselling and/or discuss separation.

You might be pleasantly surprised.

What pink bonbon wrote. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what do you think they are learning here?. Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing them and for them to potentially emulate?.

Be brave and make the break because they won’t say thanks to you for remaining within a mediocre and or otherwise loveless marriage for their supposed sake.

@erikbloodaxe you're right, I am presuming, but the same test applies if the OP is male or in a same sex couple

Have you actually spoken to him about your feelings? I wouldn’t blow up a marriage without first engaging in some serious communication.

Surprised at all the posters saying go ahead and end the marriage without knowing more…

Happiness is a state of mind, not an environment. Of course there can be environmental factors contributing to unhappiness (abuse, poverty, a bad boss) but ask yourself: what is it that ending your marriage would change that you want? Has your partner changed (or you) in ways that make you fundamentally incompatible? Is he still a decent person and partner?

I would seriously caution against a massive change in the environment without understanding your own state of mind and working on that first.

(Of course I don’t know enough about the situation to say that divorce is necessarily wrong for you, just that it’s easy to jump to an obvious big change when one is unhappy because it feels like a clear solution, and harder to do the introspective and challenging work on your own attitude, thought patterns and behaviour).

Wishing you the best and ultimate happiness whichever road you take.

Does it make any difference really?

It seems you can..my ex H did this.
He's loving with his mother and has a FWB.
I'm single late 40s.
He has, as you say blown up his family, for what?!
He didn't communicate with me but with mother and. his pub mates to hatch this plan.

The weekend away is an interesting question…I don’t think I’d be over the moon about it. We get on well but like I said, just feel more like people co-habiting and parenting.

I think ultimately if there were no kids involved I’d probably not be struggling with it all and could make the decision far more easily.

The thing I find so hard is there’s nothing fundamentally wrong in the sense there’s no cheating (as far as I know and no reason to suspect it), no abuse, no money issues and all the other things people have to go through. It’s just there’s nothing fundamentally right either.

Do you love your dh? Care about his happiness?

I'm wondering if there is still a bedrock of affection and connection you can build back up?

Marriages need work sometimes - most have ups and downs, do we walk out on marriage when it hits the doldrums or do we try and get something going again?

Do you think you'd be happier alone?

Do you think it would be better for you to live separately and share the DC?

If you think you'd be happier without him, then do it. There's no point staying in something mediocre for the fear of change - and if you're genuinely just not happy, do you not think your children are going to pick up on this? That they'll think this is a normal relationship?

Genuinely there doesn't have to be some horrendous shocking reason for divorce, realising you've grown apart and are no longer happy together is a good reason for divorce imo! No one has to go out and do something terrible to give you permission to make the call for your own happiness

Are you working- do you feel fulfilled at work?
Do you have any time just for you to spend on hobbies/with friends?

If you were to split, imagine you go 50:50, how would you want to spend your childfree weekend?

What went wrong and over what timescale OP? Have you been drifting apart for years? Have you ever talked to your DP about this and do you know how s/he feels? Why did you stop having a physical relationship? Do you still find him/her attractive? What's changed in your relationship, because at one point presumably you were in love, you made a family, so what did you have in common back then and do you still have it? Why don't you talk? Would it help to go to relationship counselling, where a neutral third party helps you to communicate? Maybe you should just go away for a weekend together and see what happens?

I knew my marriage was over when I arranged a date night and he sabotaged it. He didn’t want to try any more. We were also physically distant (not just sex, he wouldn’t even hug me any more), emotionally he had withdrawn and then I did in turn. I waited til the right time and said I thought we should separate. He agreed. He knew it was coming.
DD (8 at the time) struggled initially, couldn’t understand it, said we should get back together to make her happy..but over time she’s accepted it and is now very wise and says she understands and can see everyone is better off. Not been easy but better than being ‘married alone’.