No sex drive

[Helpneeded321]

Hi,

I’m just after a bit of advice from anyone who has been through the same thing. I currently have no sex drive to speak of, which is damaging my relationship with my husband.

For context, we have two nursery aged kids. Youngest is 20 months. I’m still BF him once at bedtime. We both work, me part time but have the kids the rest of the time when I’m not working. Neither of them sleep through the night, so I’m tired a lot of the time.

My husband has also gained about 15kg since we’ve had the kids. I still love him enormously but do miss his old figure, which I know is really bad and I would never mention this to him as it’d really hurt his feelings.

I just have no interest in having sex. If I push myself to do it I’m just not comfortable the whole way through. There’s no pain or physical discomfort, it’s more just about not being in the mood and not liking the touch.

It’s got to the point where I avoid being alone in the house with him because I know he’ll suggest we have sex, and I don’t know how to keep saying no. He doesn’t make me feel guilty purposefully, or push it on me in any way, but it’s obvious he craves that kind of closeness and intimacy and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Does anyone have any advice that might help? Should I go to the GP?

Tbanks

Tell him how you feel. If you communicate about it, you'll both be in the boat together. By trying to deal with it alone, you're in separate boats and pushing his away from yours.

What stops you talking to him about it?

@Watchkeys

I guess because I’m worried about hurting his feelings. He can be very black and white about things, so he’ll probably jump straight to ‘this is a disaster, you don’t fancy me or love me, we’re never going to have sex again’ rather than it’s just a phase I’m going through and I’ll come out of the other side. If that makes sense?

Also I don’t think I can mention his weight. He’s understandably very sensitive about it and mentions it quite a lot, but hasn’t done anything to lose any. I’m not sure that’s the problem anyway, I might still feel the same even if he lost the weight.

I agree, communication is key. Your lack of sex drive is most likely hormonal, especially as you are still breast feeding, and also from sheer tiredness if they are poor sleepers. Explain all this to your DH, and that you still love him but need him to take the pressure off for now.

Cuddle and do nice things together without the kids with no sex in view, absolutely forbidden. He has to chase you like teenagers but no sex. You will have to jump on him when you are ready. Those are the rules of post natal sex. change your lingerie too, for you, not for him. Nursing bra are god awful and you have to change them quite regularly to even think that you are a human being at all. BE gentle with yourself if you are breastfeeding you need some gliding down there and bulletproof contraception : all those things helps a lot to be at ease. I did not write that. This is AI. Not me. Not in a million years. And it's normal. Like 100% normal. All the best op.

Would it impact you hugely to drop the nighttime breastfeed? It could help, maybe not, but worth a shot I would of thought.

It could be hormonal and worth a GP visit- but how is he as a partner? You’ve only mentioned the weight. Does he see you as the default parent due to you working part time? Do you have any time for yourself?

when I have had a low sex drive, it has been because I didn’t want to have sex with that partner, for whatever reason.

These days, I am tired, feel less sexy, very touched out from breastfeeding a nocturnal toddler…but my husband is still insanely attractive and a fantastic equal partner outside his working hours despite me being a SAHM. The urge is still very much there- and we make it work and seize the opportunity where possible . Had I had a baby with an old boyfriend- I seriously doubt I’d have had much a libido with everything else on my plate.

The breast feeding won’t help, but you need to get touching and kissing first, before sex. And you need to go out and be yourselves again, not mum and dad.
The touching and kissing needs to be absolutely sex free, no pressure to have sex if you do it. Just touch him as you’re passing by, or squeezing past. You need to get used to that again.

I guess because I’m worried about hurting his feelings

Ok, this isn't a sex drive problem, probably. Firstly, you feel like you're being pressured, which is a massive turn off. Secondly, you don't feel you can communicate openly about your feelings; again, a massive turn off.

I would feel like it either, and that's without considering hormones.

Tell him how you feel, calmly and kindly. If that makes things worse, you've more to consider in your relationship than you having a low sex drive.

Hi @Helpneeded321 , did things improve with you and your husband? My little boy is 2.5 and I have a very low libido. Husband is also upset and told me last night he doesn't think I fancy him anymore. Not really sure what to do :(.