He played the part of the family man and nice guy

[Melojello]

My relationship ended at the beginning of this year after 17 years, when I discovered he had been having an affair. We have young children. It had always been a rather unconventional relationship in that he would spend more of the year away from home than in the UK. His job is touring in the music industry.

Since discovering this affair it has now come to light that he had been cheating the whole duration of our relationship while away. Basically acting like the family man to friends and family and then when he was away sleeping with anyone and everyone he could. I feel physically sick and traumatised. How and why would a person willingly let another live a lie. he was literally living a double life. Is there a word for this insane behaviour?

He has always been incredibly financially generous and honestly played the role of the amazing family man when home so well. I was completely fooled and I’m embarrassed and ashamed I was so naive. I can’t get my head around it all. I have no idea how I ever move forward from this.

The most awful thing is we are now seperated and I am still completely financially reliant on him. He pays the mortgage bills and I even get a monthly payment. I feel completely controlled and I can’t explain it. He rarely sees the children as he is never in the country, so will go months without seeing them. I’m struggling. I feel trapped. I feel controlled. I can’t even explain it.

Oh that’s just heartbreaking, you poor thing.

Hold your head up high as you’ve been loyal and his behaviour isn’t about you, it’s about him being a greedy disgusting pig of a person.

If I was in your position, I would get an sti check, a part time job and I’d keep letting him pay while gradually making myself independent, so one day you’re going to be able to thrive alone without his help. Let him pay though, you’re raising his children.

That's horrible. Going to be a long road and won't be easy but you need to start separating yourself from him. Eventually getting a job. Otherwise he holds all the cards. He will end up a sad lonely old man while you will have 2 wonderful Kids. Good luck. Xx

Stop being controlled. Do you work? Why are you reliant on him for everything?

It was the agreement we had at the time. He wanted me to stay home and raise the kids. We could afford to so we did.

I know it’s not ideal and I feel very sad about the vulnerable situation I am now in because his job took priority. I do work part time. It’s hard when you have to be around for every single holiday, sick day, weekend and have nobody to ever share the task with or rely on. The youngest is still at nursery.

i hate how reliant I am. I just don’t know how to gain independence after all this time. I realise looking back just how controlled my life was.

I don't think he is generous. I think he pays the mortgage because he knows you won't be able and the house will be reposesed or out on sale if he doesn't do it and pay you a child allowance in order with his income.

Regarding your feelings they will pass.
Just start planning your life without him and start to build your own financial security.

You got quite a lot to check as it look you will be sole parent. Nothing you have not done before as he was away a lot.

Money wise let him pay and if you can make him pay more, go for it! You need your own/ your kid security.

How does he control you financially? Does he check what you buy? If so, open a new bank account and transfer it every time he makes a payment.

It must've been a terrible shock, but actually your day-to-day life without him won't look that different will it?

'Regarding your feelings they will pass', really? Have some fucking empathy!

Op, I was in a very similar situation, bar the 'D'H working away. Its awful, so painful, such a betrayal and the shock of finding out about all the lies.

Talk your heart out to trusted friends, get trauma therapy, get the ball rolling in the divorce. Tell people what he's done.

Do you have a handle on his finances?.

A part time job at some point is good advice.

Please take care and a big hug.

So sorry this sounds horrible for you. Maybe a cliche, but I'd have thought most guys touring the world in the music industry were shagging around so he must've done a real number on you to convince you he wasn't like the rest. He's able to compartmentalise his life and have it all, wife/DP and kids at home, and bachelor life on the road. Ugh. No wonder you feel controlled. It's always scary when men convince women to rely totally on them without giving real security, and then lying and cheating. I'm furious for you. Hoping the house is in your name too at least? And good that you're working, even part-time is something for now. You'll need time and support to adjust to the new reality, and it won't be easy but you're better knowing the truth and seeing through him. Hope you've got some family/friends around you for support.

I find it quite hard to articulate how I am feeling. But I guess it’s not so much as a sense of financial control in terms of monitoring what I spend, more a dependency on him and having to “not upset him” through fear he could at any point choose to make our life incredibly difficult. I feel like we do not have any security. We was not married, this is not my house and I feel like I have failed the children by being so naive.

It’s hard when you have to be around for every single holiday, sick day, weekend and have nobody to ever share the task with or rely on. The youngest is still at nursery.
This shows how independent and resilient you are. You’ve raised your children, you’re there for them, you’re the one with the organisational skills.

But I see what you mean by not being married and him paying for most things. I’m not sure how you go about a formal agreement about the house , child support etc… Maybe speak to a lawyer?
While he is willing to pay though, take the money. Look at extending your work hours, upskilling. Not right away, but in time.
You will find your way, you’ll surprise yourself at just how good you are at life — you just haven’t realised it yet.
And you have NOT availed your children. Who’s the better role model —- supportive mum who is there for them every day or a father who’s sleeping around?

You haven't fail your children. He did fail you and if he choose to do your life more difficult he will be failing them.

If he wants a house here he is going to pay the mortgage anyway. Also he will have to pay child maintenance.

On your side you may be entitled to some benefits.

Let him pay, and if he feels guilty let him pay even more. Build your future without him.

His payments may lasts or may not, that is why you need to put yourself and the kids first and secure you/ them. Go to a solicitor check for legal advice.

You feel controlled because you have been for 17 years. He maintained control of you while he had total freedom. It's sickening. Honestly a lot of men are like this. I've been a single mother for a long time and have tried to date now and then, but most men on the apps are actually married, like not open but secretly dating. It's probably in the top 3 hazards of dating. That's a lot of wives thinking their partner is committed when they're not. I say this to make you feel better about being fooled. It's not you, it's him. I have found it very empowering to maintain my financial independence, as I came from an abusive marriage, so I never even asked for child support. It might be better for you to seek therapy first before making any big decisions about that. It would be helpful to spend more time socializing with friends, and even going on some dates. It sounds silly but it helps you remember your own identity outside of him. Any little thing you can do for your independence will help. It's disgusting what he did, and for so long. But his decisions are not a reflection of you! I really hate it when people blame the victim, so ignore anyone saying you brought it to yourself somehow, including your own inner voice. You have the rest of your life to live (in truth now!) so claim every day for yourself and don't let him hold you back.

So first things first, divorce him. It sounds like you've had a longish marriage, and you can demonstrate your earning power was reduced in order to support your joint children, so you should get a decent settlement and right to remain in the house at least until the children are grown up. Or if it works better for you economically,force a sale, take 50% and use for a substantial deposit on a smaller house/cheaper area that you can make the mortgage for.

It also sounds like there's no way his job (or indeed his selfishness) would accommodate 50:50, so you should also get majority custody of the children and a decent whack of child maintenance. If you're on a low income you may be entitled to UC. Can you increase your hours at work/get another job? Do you have any support you can tap into - parents of your kids school friends, your own family? If you have good relationships with family who can support you with money or childcare consider moving closer to them. How old is your youngest - are they eligible for free hours?

These are the things to be thinking about - not him, not how people perceive him Vs the reality, not where he's been sticking his dick. He is a lying cheating waster who isn't there for his wife or kids. He is not worth another moment of your time or energy, all of which should be spent trying to get yourself into a position where you can look after your kids on your own. Because that is the position he has put you in and only you can get yourself out.

Meet with a lawyer and go from there.

He wasn't married before was he, because it sounds like my exH? All the way to the touring and shagging. He went on to get a partner and kids, no second marriage.

And it's easy for them to do it. The life on tour is so different, so out there, that there really isn't a comparison. They want a safe, warm harbour at home so they have a tether to the real world. Stops them going completely off the rails and gives a semblance of sanity. Don't forget though that music is their 'real' life.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. And without security. Do you have family, friends? Time to woman up for the kids. There is life after this, you will be OK.

Oh crap, you're not married. Then yes you are a little big screwed, as you have no rights to the house or it's sale proceeds. Would have strongly recommended against sacking off your job without marriage in place. I am not married to my kids dad (my choice), we are together but we co-own our house, divide our savings equally into separate accounts, and I work and always have, because you never know.

So in your position, as he is still paying for everything at this point, I'd play nice. Grit your teeth and put up with being controlled a bit longer,and start planning your escape. Start looking into what benefits you'd be entitled to, where you could afford to live, if possible start cutting corners in the budget and squirrelling some money away. Sell anything of value that is legitimately "both of yours" that you don't need. Start building up some capital in your own bank account. Make copies of any evidence you have of his earnings,his job alas sounds like the kind of job where if would be really hard to prove income or draw down maintenance (not PAYE?) so you need to be prepared as possible to fight off what your kids deserve (speak to the lawyer about this).

You are going to have to accept a much lower standard of living than you're used to, and work much harder. It sucks. He's a bastard. But you have left yourself wide open to this - next time, protect yourself.

No never married before me! We met young I am now mid to late 30s. I honestly completely trusted him and never in a million years expected he was the sort of guy who could up and leave his children. I feel like a fool I really do. I should have married . I do hold 50% shares in the buisness

Thank you all for taking the time to reply I have listened and am taking on board all of your advice.

I think you've been so incredibly naive and foolish OP to trust someone who is out of the country more than they are at home and in the industry that they are and also not to be married either so now is the time to wisen up and get things in motion to secure yourself. As others have said this is likely to include a significant change in living standards and if you want to feel less "controlled" by him then sorting our permanent full time work is a priority.