Why do men do this!? Abandon children

[NotLactoseFree]

I know, Not All Men.

But why why why do so many men abandon their children after separation or divorce? My heart is breaking for nephew whose dad has been useless for years but would at least turn up now and again, only to have completely disappeared since the summer. Apparently his mental health is too bad to have any role in parenting.

I know there are women like this. But in real life, let's be honest, we don't meet many, if at all. But exBIL is just one of the many many useless, deadbeat dads I'm aware of in real life.

I shouldn't post this because loads of people are going to come on and say perhaps he does have mental health issues. Or perhaps my SIL has alienated the children or any number of ridiculous things. Meanwhile, she's on her knees and he gets a free pass.

I think if they're that way inclined it's best that they stay away from their kids anyway. You just don't need people like that in your life

I agree with you. Generally speaking it’s awful and there’s no excuse. I’ve seen it happen so often and it’s normalised.

I wish society shamed fathers who did this the way they shamed mothers.

Children are affected by absent parents and this continues well into adulthood. I’m not saying contact with a bad parent is always appropriate but their absence is still felt.

I feel sorry for your nephew but he clearly has other supportive family around him. Hopefully some of those are male role models too.

So sorry to read this . I sadly think that as I have mentioned before , my ex dp stopped seeing our daughter as he had a new wife and child . He seemed to see our daughter as something to be left behind after his affairs! It’s an awful attitude.

I have to agree that no father is better than a bad father. But man, that's a low bar then too and either way, the children are the ones who are damaged.

I also agree that it's because men who abandon their children are not shamed by society in the same way. He's still going to his football sessions, living his life etc (although, to be fair, he's SUCH A WANKER that I know there are all kinds of people all over the place who won't have anything to do with him. In the years since him and SIL broke up, he's destroyed a number of his friendships with his behaviour. Unfortunately he not only blames SIL for ALL of this, it just perpetuates his victimhood and further entrenches his belief that nothing is his fault).

And don't even get me started on how SHE is judged.... bloody hell, if she goes out for one big party there's all kinds of tutting from her family and, when he was still around, exBIL.

It does look like there are loads of useless dads around although maybe women who are happy with their exes don’t post about it on Mumsnet!

My ex lives about a mile from us and I am constantly surprised how little effort he makes in dc. Dd1 is connected to his gaming account and Switch and often tells me he’s been gaming all day at the weekend and I feel embarrassed I reproduced with someone like that.

It is awful when people abandon their children. They are usually too selfish to realise their children need them and their abandonment does go through with the child as they get older.

Mental health plays a part but I'm sure you would want to be better for the sake of your children

I just feel there is no excuse. My ex still has contact with my DS. When we first split up he didn't treat our DS well, and would let him down lots. Whilst I was dealing with a 6 year old screaming for his Dad, he was out partying, at theme parks, meeting new people so don't even get me started on that! Yet he can still carry the "Dad badge" because of biology!

I hope your SIL is OK xx

@stealthninjamum I'm actually talking about real life. Off top of my head:

SIL - as mentioned here.

DS BFF's dad - barely sees him or his brothers, but regularly threatens his mum. Never pays (obviously).

Friend's ex: does see DC now, but for first few years after breakup, was largely absent or would turn up late/drop off early. Still refuses to inconvenience himself for school events, parents meetings etc.

Man DH used to be mildly friendly with on school run - has disappeared to live 90 minutes away, is unable/unwilling to travel to see his DC so sees them for the odd holiday. Dh deleted him off Facebook years ago as this man started making ridiculous statements.

To be fair, I know plenty of separated dads who are very involved, active and engaged including DD's BFF's dad who, with BFF's mum, could be used as a case study for how co-parenting should work.

It's just that I know too many families where the man has just disappeared or is erratic and unreliable.

One thing I will add , is I met a new partner when dd was 4 , and he has been in her life for 20 years and has bought her up . He has dealt with sickness bugs , gcse revision , and heartbreak over boyfriend splits . He has been her Dad .

Sorry op it was a failed attempt at humour on my part, I do know of plenty of dads who aren’t involved in their children’s lives. It is sad, both of my daughters have announced they are never going to have a boyfriend because relationships are crap and they get this from seeing how their dad has treated them and me.

That's sad. I hope your DDs meet men who are not like their dad. There are lots of them around as well.

And I saw that you understood from your post about your ex. Thanks though. I just wanted to emphasise this is in real life where I personally know the stories and situations.

It's shit and I don't understand how you could do that to your own children. One of those things though isn't it seem to be able to start over or are entitled to do that and likely do it again. If a mother was to do that, though it's a different view.

I do want to be there for mine like I was from when they were born but mine are being withheld. Makes me mad, I would do anything to see them and all these others don't even care.

This is my exdp, we split early January this year and i knew he wouldnt put the effort in to see DD. He was ok for the first 2 months but then moved in with OW and her kids and cant be arsed with DD anymore. He just wont put the effort in. June was the last contact he had with her and March was the last time she actually saw him.

I told anybody who would listen that he would do this to DD and sadly he didnt disappoint me.

Sadly most men think that their wants/needs/feelings trump anyone else's, including their children.

@saltrocking , sadly I agree with you .

Hmm I’m going to be honest I think a lot of women want their exes to disappear after a break up, I’m on so many single parent groups and the amount of women I’ve come across who want their ex gone is unbelievable. My ex doesn’t see our kids and I’m constantly told I’m lucky 🙄 and no it isn’t just people with abusive exes it’s because they don’t want to “share” the kids.

My father buggered off as soon as he found out my mother was pregnant and has never been seen again.
I found him on ancestry DNA and he says he wants nothing to do with me as it would upset his wife and not to contact him again. Nice.
My first husband who disapeared off to Germany for 15 years to avoid paying maintenance. Now wants a relationship with DS who doesn't even know him and said no.
My 2nd husband stepdad to DS for 17 years. Ran off with someone else and never even bothered to say goodbye to DS and left without a trace - scumbag. That one hurt DS most of all.

That seems to be relatable to my situation, although mine was abusive also. Basically, the marriage is over, wants to start again and therefore I am not to see the children ever again.

As I didn't agree to that, considering I raised them and always been there, is now trying everything in order to stop me. Haven't seen or spoken to them coming up to six months now. Doesn't even end there, has cut entire family off as well so nobody knows how they are.