Loveless relationship

[Anon13248]

Hi everyone
i Dont want to give too much away but I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years. 2 children under 2.5.
I havnt felt any love or attraction towards him for about 2 years now.
He is financially dependent on me we both work but I pay 90% of the bills and everything for the children (I do earn more and I own our home but it’s still not equal). He is good round the house and does the bulk of the housework. He moans at me a lot about things and is quite a negative person. I think that’s what’s ground me down. Since I have been acting really distant (unintentionally) he has been making lots of effort to show affection and stuff but I just can’t bring myself to show it back. I don’t have any time for myself. He is covertly controlling, he doesn’t outwardly tell me what I can and can’t do but will list reasons and Nag and convince me why I shouldn’t do things so I end up not bothering. I don’t have any time at all away from the kids and work, that’s not an option for me in this relationship. We have sex around once a month instigated by him.
I am deeply unhappy and feel very trapped. I miss being happy. I know every relationship the honeymoon period ends but surely not to this extent?
i want to end it but as he is being so nice at the moment I feel terrible to do so because at the moment he’s on his best behaviour.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
what did you do? Are you happier for it? How did it all work out?
Family have suggested therapy but surerly that won’t make my attraction come back?
I never saw things panning out this way when I had a family but I’m just not happy.
thank you if you’ve got this far x

I would suggest some kind of couples counselling before you throw in the towel for good. You have 2 small children (twins or 2 back to back pregnancies?), your relationship has changed massively, give it a chance to flourish again.

Communication is key, and a joint account once you have a family. If he wasn't with you he would still have to pay for rent, bills and food elsewhere. He should have some disposable income left that he can save as a safety net as well as contributing a fair share proportionate to income.
Given your circumstances, it's good you are not married and own your own home.
You hold all the cards, and he possibly senses that you are having doubts, so is being very nice. If he can stay nice, there might be a way back, but only if nice extends to being allowed your own time, as he should be allowed to.
Stick to your guns and do your own thing regardless of the moans - what can he do about it leave? That might just be doing you a favour. If it's just once/week or less, he is unreasonable to complain. Does he ever go out?

I found out I was pregnant when the youngest was 11 months. But my feelings started to change during the first pregnancy; I’m not sure if it will just be a waste of time and money 😰

He has many thousands saved and I have nothing saved. I don’t get any time to myself ever let alone once a week 😢 i don’t even get to go and lie down I always have the kids with me. can’t have friends and family round as he doesn’t want them over and will make them feel unwelcome. If I go out I take the kids with me. Sometimes I go away with the kids and he moans about having time to himself too. I had one night out about a month ago first time in 4 years and I had to arrange childcare for the kids as he wouldn’t look after them. Just feel so trapped I can’t see myself having the life I want unless we break up unfortunately
he isn’t bothered about going out and when I mention my concerns says ‘well welcome to having kids’ and says we will get our lives back when they go to school x

You have two very young children- that’s what it is like I am afraid. You need to make sure you do not have any more children unless they are planned. You must be exhausted, two pregnancies, two babies, main breadwinner. However, the next couple of years are the most difficult time for parents, but there is a point when it does get easier as children become more independent.

Both of you need to identify how/when you each get time to yourself. Whoever is having a rest/break needs to go out, or the kids need to go out. I too think you might benefit from counselling moving forward.

Your husband wouldn't look after his own children when you had a night out for the 1st time in 4 years? He won't let friends and family come to the house? You pay 90% of all the bills but he has thousands saved while you have nothing? No wonder you don't feel any love towards him. He's mean and controlling.

In what way is he being "so nice" at the moment? Is he paying a greater share of the bills? Is he welcoming friends and family over? Is he looking after the children so you can go out for a break? If he isn't doing any of those things then his "best behaviour" isn't much is it?

He is just acting kind and considerate towards me and not getting funny when I stay out later with the kids. He keeps trying to show affection but I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate! He did say ‘why don’t you have friends or family over one night a week’ but I just feel like that’s forced and I don’t feel they would be comfortable to come over anyway due to his previous unwelcoming behaviour!

You own your home, you seem to have a good job, there's nothing tying you down, he's reliant on you.
Why does he have savings when you have none and foot the bills?

Have you discussed any of this with him and if so how has he responded?

I know it’s hard. I won’t be having anymore that’s for sure. I don’t expect loads of time to myself I’m more concerned about the fact I’m not in love with him/ don’t find him attractive for the last 2 years 😢

We did talk and he said I never show him affection I said because of his past behaviour I don’t feel I want too and it will take more than him being nice for a couple of weeks to make me feel like I want to reciprocate, as he has been quite horrible in the past. He asked if I love him and I told him I’m not in love with him anymore and he said ‘well it’s your decision what we do as it’s your house’ and I kind of panicked and made amends because he said he still loves me. I’m not sure if he does or if it’s just because he has a good life due to being financially dependent on me.

And yes, I am exhausted. With my first I worked until 5 days before she was born and went back after 6 weeks, second I worked until 10 days before and went back 3 weeks after as i couldn’t afford to have anymore time off. Suffered post natal depression both times and feel I’m only just coming out of the other end but I’m starting to feel like a major factor in my depression is my relationship.

He sounds like a total scrounger. I’m the breadwinner in our configuration but my DH brings in income from other means. We share everything and he has plenty of nights alone with kiddo while I am at gym or with friends. He really doesn’t sound like someone you would want to build a life with. What attracted you in the first place?

It sounds somewhat contractual and functional to me. He needs your financial support so he’s “nice” when he becomes aware of your waning interest in him. You sound so flat and almost disengaged. You don’t mention shared interests or laughing together. Two preschoolers - that’s hard work, but loving couples can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I left a 6 year relationship (with a 9 month old in tow) and it was the most amazing decision I have ever made. I've been with my new partner for 2 years now and I have genuinely never felt love/attraction like this. Life is too short to be unhappy. There was a lot more to my situation with emotional abuse etc but I'm so glad I left. I didn't shed a single tear

yes I think you’ve summed it up there! It feels transactional, I provide money, he takes care of the house, we share childcare. I can’t the light at the end of the tunnel to be honest 😢 I want more for my life than just existing within a loveless relationship x