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Original poster

V old friendship full of friction

8 replies

CarpetRug · 20/09/2023 11:29

I have a very old friend who has been wonderful over the years. I think the friendship has become a very entrenched habit. In recent years I have noticed they misinterpret me a lot. They give advice when I’m not asking for it, and misunderstand me and then try to psychoanalyse me. I now feel that I can only talk about an increasingly small number of subjects. I don’t know how much friction is normal in a very very very longstanding friendship.

OP posts:
CharSiu · 20/09/2023 11:36

Similar here though not so much psychoanalyse, more just find faultwith anything I say or do. The change is her. She married an absolute prick, I mean even my DH doesn’t like him and in 30 years he has only said he doesn’t like 3 people one of which is this guy. He is a ranty street philosopher full of BS and she seems to be taken in by his beliefs and is now in to his ideologies.

I had 2 bits of good news last week, one was a lovely wedding I attended and the other was an event and a big boost to DH career. He has been headhunted this week because of it I shared neither because I know she would pick holes in all of it.

Original poster
CarpetRug · 20/09/2023 11:55

A new DH is a factor here too. I suspect he’s been giving friend therapy type advice on how to “manage” me.

I think when we can’t talk to friends about things it leads to bigger and bigger blind spots. They know less and less about us, and we them if it goes the other way as well.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 12:07

It doesn't matter what's 'normal'. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

Have you told her?

Original poster
CarpetRug · 20/09/2023 12:12

@Watchkeys We have an increasing number of conversations where I have to be very firm and say “no, that’s not what I was saying, no I don’t think that, I was not trying to say that at all”. It never feels very productive.

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Original poster
CarpetRug · 20/09/2023 12:28

@Watchkeys But I can see you’re right. If I don’t like it I don’t like it. As we’ve been friends for such a long time I classed it as the sort of friction you’d get with a family member.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 12:31

But you don't have to have close relationships with family members either. You're not obliged to put up with stuff just because you've known someone ages or are related to them.

foghead · 20/09/2023 12:33

I've had to just say things like 'thanks. I appreciate your advice but just want to vent really. It'll get sorted. Anyway, let's talk about you...'

If you value the friendship, then just carry on being direct in a diplomatic way.
I've had to do this a lot with my friend who has a totally different life to me and some of her advice is almost fantasy like. Like what she would do in her imagined world of my circumstances.
Sometimes it's better to not talk about personal stuff and just focus on doing something together or talking about general stuff.

Original poster
CarpetRug · 20/09/2023 12:47

@Watchkeys You’re right. And not good for the other person either as it puts them in a conflict situation too.

@foghead I wonder if as we become older and our lives become more different to each other’s it is best to rethink conversation topics sometimes. My friend and I used to have a lot more in common than we do now as we met when we were very similar. I’ll look at it as a speed bump and see how we get along in our very different situations.

OP posts:
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