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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know whether to continue this... what are your thoughts?

7 replies

abyssiniam8 · 20/09/2023 09:47

I started chatting to someone I know from many years ago, we were at the same school and both moved since, so the chats have been about people we know, what they are doing now, and general chit chat. I remember him as quite a calm and gentle person. He is divorced (recently within the last 2/3 years), and in a casual way has mentioned a meet up. I was seriously contemplating it, but I haven't responded as yet.

As we do (well I do), I did a bit of a SM stalk and have found some posts and comments that the divorce was a bit of nasty one, his children don't seem to have much contact with him (they are older, in their 20s), but the thing that made me think that this may not be such a good idea, is that on his ex wife's posts, there are quite a lot of posts/memes about narcissistic behaviour. But there are also a lot of live, love, laugh type of things as well.

Having been through the mill in a bad marriage and then not a great rebound relationship, I know I am ultra high alert for red flags, and this has thrown me a bit now.

I know there are always two sides to a story, and I doubt many people in my age group get to where we are without some drama and trauma in their lives. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and meet up, or just stop this in its tracks right now. He has not mentioned his ex to me at all, nor that he doesn't see his children. I only know this via SM really. But it did just make my stomach churn a little when I saw this.

I need an outsiders thoughts on this if you don't mind. I overthink terribly and am not sure if I am doing it again in this instance.

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 20/09/2023 09:56

How do you know that his children don't have much to do with him?

abyssiniam8 · 20/09/2023 10:04

Scruffthemagicdragon · 20/09/2023 09:56

How do you know that his children don't have much to do with him?

He made a post on a advice group for divorce (which I am not on) but it came up on a search. Saying that he is being made out to be the evil one and the dc are stopped from seeing him. Someone asked how old they were, he said the ages and then he replied that their minds had been swayed against him by his ex.

OP posts:
oioicheeky · 20/09/2023 10:08

If you go into it with an open mind I don't see the harm in meeting up with him.

If it's true he doesn't see his kids, it's not great.

But the memes posted by the ex I would not pay one bit of attention to.

People bandying about the term "narcissist" these days is just ridiculous. The live laugh love quotes would convince me further not to read too much into the memes she posts.

Scruffthemagicdragon · 20/09/2023 10:12

I think the kids not wanting to see him is a fairly significant red flag.

As pp said, you could go and see how things are when you meet, but I think it would worry me too.

abyssiniam8 · 20/09/2023 10:49

Thank you both. In one way I am a little relieved that it is not just me thinking way too deeply about this.

@oioicheeky agree re live/laugh posts did make me think that she may be one that posts random shit a lot of the time.

I am going to think this over some more. I really don't want unnecessary drama in my life (I live a very calm peaceful life now), but on the other hand, it would be nice to get out and interact with other people as I do feel like I have been a bit of a hermit.

If I do go, I will for sure go with any gut feels and an open mind.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 10:51

If his children are adults, it may well be that an ex has poisoned them against him, but frankly, I'd have thought there were plenty of opportunities for him to build a relationship with them. especially if they only got divorced when the children were already teenagers or young adults. So that would be a red flag for me.

abyssiniam8 · 20/09/2023 14:04

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 10:51

If his children are adults, it may well be that an ex has poisoned them against him, but frankly, I'd have thought there were plenty of opportunities for him to build a relationship with them. especially if they only got divorced when the children were already teenagers or young adults. So that would be a red flag for me.

This is the thing. I have adult dc too and they have very much come to their own decisions about their relationship with my ex/their father.

I am glad I posted because sometimes I feel like it is good to read back something you wrote. And even when I read my own post back, I don't get a good feeling. Maybe it is nerves of the unknown, but I am just going to go with gut feel.

OP posts:
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