I’m in my early 40s with three primary school children and am an American living in the U.K. with my husband. There are good things about my marriage - my husband is intelligent, a dedicated family man, makes a good living, shares my Christian faith, shared my enjoyment of fitness activities and supports my love of music. Both of us are well matched in terms of libido and sense of humour. We also have playful moments when he is in a good mood, and enjoy a shared family sense of adventure. We both care deeply about our children and how they are raised and we discuss and work hard on parenting. He has also been generally supportive (although sometimes resentment shows up) regarding my recent furtherance of my education with plans to resume my career part time while the children are young and eventually full time as the children become older.
Against that background, I also was raised to believe that divorce was wrong and to be avoided at all costs. Both he and I have watched our mothers put up with horrible treatment, cruelty, and neglect from our fathers. Mostly, it’s blatant disrespect and verbal abuse. My husband believes that while he hates the way his father treats his mother and has seen her hyperventilating with anxiety when his father is in a bad mood, he still thinks it is good that his mom has stayed with his dad “for better or for worse” and that despite the suffering she is doing the right thing.
My position on divorce has changed. I now wish my mom would have divorced my dad due to his abuse. It breaks my heart to see my 75 year old dad still speaking in harsh tones to my kind and patient mother.
So now to my own marriage. When I got married, I believed marriage was forever. I also grew up in Christian culture where divorce was frowned on as was any kind of sex before marriage. I saved sex for marriage and entered marriage with the belief that it would be forever. Shortly after marriage, my husband became verbally abusive with hyper critical language. He criticised me incessantly, especially my cooking and house keeping. I tried everything. I tried agreeing, listening, explaining, etc. I tried pointing out that some criticism was ok, but consecutive 5 minute lectures saying “is this the standard you were raised with?!” In a loud voice was not ok. If I spoke to him with any emotion in my voice, he called it screaming or yelling, even if my voice was completely normal Volume and just tense or frustrated. He also criticised me in front of his family and my family, especially my parenting. He would bark orders. “Get this, get that, did you get this? Did you remember that?” After we had children, he complained daily about the house and said “how do other women do it?”
he also shoved me. We were not even in an argument. We were on holiday, on a ferry. I was in a good mood, when he began to criticise me for something - not having a sheet of paper he thought I should have brought. He simply berated me from behind and shoved me on the stairs. I told him I would call the police. He didn’t ever shove me again, but he still corners me and closes the door behind him to have harsh conversations. I ask him not to do this. He threw hard wooden or plastic toys at my legs for years, saying it was an accident as he was just cleaning up the toys. I got bruises. When I said “ouch”, he would say loudly “I didn’t do it on purpose!!!!!!” Instead of apologising. If he steps on my foot he generally does not apologise. He says “I didn’t like your scream!” (When I usually only say ouch or squeak)
he also has a weird relationship with his sister. She competed openly with me and tried to break up our relationship in the early years. It’s a long complex story. The bottom line is, he kept choosing her over me. Maybe it’s bc I was easier to push around bc I was so polite and compliant. Whatever the cause, I begged him to listen to me and he ignored anc refused for years. He kept saying “just give her the benefit of the doubt”. She convinced him to go on a family holiday to France without me. She came into our hotel room once on a family trip and asked him to go into the bathroom with her to “reveals” her new bikini privately. She finally got married to her boyfriend and had her wedding right when my baby was due (12 days from when he was born) and asked my husband to be her man of honour bc she had no female friends. She glared at me at most family gatherings. My husband would not hold my hand near her bc she didn’t like that. But he would link arms with her. At family events for years he had to sit by her or she would have a fit. If we got her a joint gift as husband and wife, she would ask that he return it and get her one just from him. He literally said she felt like a second wife to him and he felt his duty was finally done when she got married.
he had total control of our fianances for years. He literally would only give me money when I asked and it was never enough. He acted like this was my problem. I was at home with three babies back to back and was using my maternity allowance to buy groceries and he was earning over £100k. I had 50 p in my bank account so many times. He acted like this was my fault.
I begged for marriage counselling for years. He finally went. Some improvements have been made. We now have z joint credit card account. I will soon have a career earning at least 50-60k full time (planning to be part time).
he has stopped much of the abuse, but it still comes up sometimes. I am just so mad at him. He finally started listening to me share about my pain. I still don’t think he really gets it. He says I need. To just forgive him and leave the past in the past. I say I need to have him understand what abuse is and make changes and give me a chance to heal.
a big part of me wants divorce. But I am terrified of what my future may be if I do it.